We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
You gotta hand it to him folks, JPP knows how to celebrate the Fourth of July. The dude stockpailed a rental van and filled it with fireworks so that he could celebreate our nations birthday. Unfortunately he also suffered a serious hand injury because one of the explosives he was handling unexpectedly exploded in his hand. One of those freak injuries you dont see coming.
From all indications it sounds like he will make a ok but painful recovery, and he probably wont even lose any fingers. But lets not feel sorry for him until we're sure that this injury is on the up and up, because frankly it just doesnt pass the eyeball test. Im hoping that Roger Goodell takes a good look at the exact nature of JPPs injuries to make sure he wasnt trying to sneak his way around a loophole in the NFLs policies and staging this explosion as a convenient way for him to always be making a permenent gang sign. Which fingers was he blowing off? Isnt it a bit odd that a guy who spent 20 years growing up in Florida would of had all ten of his fingers to begin with?
Also you have to look at this history- the Giants have players who have faked injurys before to stall a defense, so ethically this matches their MO.
Could be a real embarassment for the league if they start allowing players to start structurally altering there bodies so they can always be representing the Crips with imputinity. Think Im crazy? Tory Holt was famous for mangling his hands untill he was able to throw up the "blood" sign in cursive. Ronnie Lott cut part of his damn finger of just so he could put up a lower case "W." Next thing you know you'll have Desean Jackson getting his spine amputated just because "back" has got CK in it. Its a slippery slope and you've got the tools to build a runaway truck ramp Mr. Commissioner.
Ok, and just for argumence sake lets just say maybe he didnt light a firework into his hand intentonally. Memo to JPP- you want to keep exploding til you've got the quarterback- not a quarterhand.
But on the other hand, Im glad to see a bit of pride and self sacrifice in the name of your country from this young man. I mean, you have to admit that its kind of ironic that a Giant hurt himself trying to be a Patriot, no offense to Jake Ballard.
Now on to the weekly awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Tom Vohia
They need to give Tom Vohia his own column in the Milwaukee paper folks
I've said for years that the dunk is just a fancy way of saying I care more about posters than banners. In High School whenever we'd play verse the inner city team from another suburb, the refs would hit them with a technical if they tried to dunk during warmups because it was voter intimidation against us. I think the same should be done in the NBA. The league has just been too chicken to enforce the laws they already have in place. Dunking is technically basket intereference every time isnt it? I mean the balls in the cylinder and people are grabbing the rim- seems like we allready have a rule banning it. Folks I saw "Selma" over the weekend and if there's one thing I learned from that movie its that its a allegory for how dunking is ruining the NBA becase the federal goverment wont enforce the league rules against goaltending.
Fan of the Week: Naked Fans
Why doesnt ESPN the Magazine have any FANS in there bodies issue? Why was I force to look at Bryce Harper all weekend who as a mormon- is achoholic-shaming me into thinking my body just isnt good enough. I feel like if you've never had a sip of alcohol it would be a disappointment if you never became a professonal athlete, and now I'm suppose to be impressed that his quads have as much quick-twitch definition as my liver? Whats more impressive- the sober slugger having alot of muscles, or me getting my blood pressure somewhat back under control during the 5 months a year with no NFL football?
The NFL fan would have decent pecs and biceps from doing curls and bench press twice a week but have a enormous gut. Its Tony Soprano chic, in other words.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter: Is Joe Flacco robbing banks?
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Stunning videotape just released from the Ravens team facilties taken in the summer of 2012 here folks.
You have to respect Flacco for going out there and getting paid the old fashioned way instead of hamstringing his own team with a high cap number. Funny how all Russel Wilson cares about is getting more money but he lacks the initiative to get out there and take it himself. Maybe if Wilson spent as much time holding up a bank as he did holding up the news cycle we wouldnt even be having this discussion.
Plus you'd think that a guy like Wilson would be a real low-risk bank robber since he's spent his entire career getting away without having to use anything but the pistol. If you want to get paid so badly how about you do it in a way that wont hurt your team?
I mean look at this guy. Hes not robbing or looting as much as he's just finding and scavanging for money. You want to see a bank robbery folks well head on up to New York and take a look at Darrelle Revis. He's not just a cornerback folks, I call him "DB" Cooper because he stole a bunch of money, hijacked the jets, and then bailed out.
Also, this entire thread over at reddit is basicaly the Bible for people who want to know exactley what is a Elite QB and what makes him Elite, and also how long it takes Elite QBs to become Elite, and also how immeasurables factor in to whether or not a QB is Elite, and also how many Superbowls make you Elite because people forget Trent Dilfer won a Superbowl, and also a bunch of other cool reasons.
This weeks rating is: ELITE
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. Questonable coaching on Japans part to let Rahim Moore start at goalkeeper.
2. 4 Star Offense of Lineman recruit Parker Boudreaux announced which school he would be attending by pulling a 16,000 lb schoolbus out of the way to reveal the Notre Dame fighting irish logo.
Its refreshing to see a guy who actually chooses to do something gritty and understated like being hiring a camera crew, and having a song written and recorded specificaly for this occasion, and hiring a artist to paint the logo of the team, and acquiring a school bus and convincing the school board to let him drag it for a stunt, instead of creating a big spectacle out of himself by putting on a hat in his gymnasium.
My only concern is that the logo was hidden until he dragged the automobile off of it, meaning he hasnt even set foot on campus and he's literally throwing the Irish under the bus already. Not a good start son.
3. Pretty sure this would hold up in court
4. You know who hasnt been getting enough credit for the US Womens National Soccer teams World Cup Championship? Men.
Specifically, NFL athletes. The Philadelpha Eagles TE Zach Ertz is dating USA defender Julie Johnston and probably taught her just about everything she knows about how to play with a bunch of teammates who had high expectatons but no championshps.
5. Robert Griffin III spoke at the UN last week about protecting the ocean, which is ironic because the words he hears most often from defensive backs is "U.N. Trouble." Griffin demonstrated his commitment to protecting our worlds oceans by standing on a beach and not being able to hit the water with a deep pass. Now we all know theres literally a sea change happening at QB in Washington this year, but Griffin chose to air the Oceans dirty laundry in public instead of keeping that in-house. Gods gotta be pissed at him for giving the Devil all this bulletin board material. In My Opinion, RG3 needs to spend more time worrying about winning then swimming.
Plus, how would Griffin even know that 70% of the earth is covered by water when he dosen't even make it past his first read.
6. Rush Limbaugh knows his football. But last week he showed he might even know more about foot-mouth when it comes to talking about RG3 folks. He went on the air and said that the medias mean to RG3 because hes a republican. I was completely caught by suprise on this since Griffin is obvously a big fan of health insurance and redistribution of wealth to all the defensive backs in the league. Griffin a Republican? It just doesnt add up. Hell he's more of a George L Bush then a George W Bush. More of a Ted Luz type guy then a Ted Cruz if you ask me.
But now that I think about, Rush Limbaugh is being a little bit of a PC Policeman- I think what we have here is a little social concern, and Rush is just very desirous that a quaterback with consistant access to painkillers do well.
7. This is the dumbest recruting take I've ever heard:
This class for UK has an impressive blend of grit & swag. They will not lack for confidence or work ethic. IMO, Stoops' best class yet.— Justin Rowland (@RowlandRIVALS) July 4, 2015
First of all Mark Stoops would hire a cheap hitman to kill you in a drug store if he heard you say he had "swag." Secondley, "grit" and "swag" are like oil and vinegar, they are mutually exsclusive properties in a locker room. Its the dual-threat QB of recruting hype, if you have both you dont really have one.
8. Capstone Creative sounds like a pretty chill company to work for IMO
(H/T Adam Savages girlfriend. 'Sup, by the way.)
9. I've been calling Danny Woodhead "The Newsboy" for about 3 years now.
Why? Because hes alot like the newpaper-
-As a white Runningback, he's part of a dying breed
-He always delivers
-And you still need him on Sundays.
But I didnt know that Danny was actually a newsboy growing up in North Platte. And according to a source, I have found out that lil orphan Danny was indeed a paper slinger for the North Platte Telegraph. And now days he gets someone else to deliver his paper to him. Just unbelevable, and ultmate rags to riches story- the American Dream.
10. Happy 69th birthday to George W. Bush.
11. I thought it was a cheeky bit of gamesmenship how the USA Women were lighting up the scoreboard so quickly it was giving Japanese children seizures.
12. Marcus Mariotas contract negotiations are being held up by people making up that they're being held up by the Titans wanting to prevent him from surfing. Marcus needs to worry more about winning out then paddling out in my opinion, but in my opinion, I also want a QB whose more concerned about hitting curls then ripping them. Thats why the Titans are throwing a challenge on Mariotas out of control surfing addiction- and the fact that the contract talks are held up by my belief that the Titans dont want him to surf is a major red flag advisory.
13. The annual 4th of July weekend newsdump hit us on Thursday, with the NFL annoucning drug related supsensions for Antonio Gates, Sheldon Richardson, Rolando McClain, and Datone James. What Ii've always wondered is- why doesnt the NFL turn its players over to local authorities after getting evidence that they used recreational street/alley drugs like marijuana? Its still against the law last time I checked, and despite the fact that I advocacied for the league to have anyone who tests positive at the combine locked up, they have yet to do anything about it.
The fact is that the NFL is being criminally negligentent by not requesting that there employees get arrested when failing a drug test. In America, if you have evidents that someone is committing a crime and you DONT report it to the police, you can be found guilty of obstruction of justice. Therefore, that means that every reporter like Adam Schefter and Mike Florio and everyone else with the letters "NFL" in there twitter handle are ALSO guilty of obstruction of justice for not reporting the NFL for obstruction of justice for not reporting there drug testing results to the DEA> These players could be a treasure-trove of information about drug dealers in America and we're just suppose to act like it's "no big deal" that Rolando McClain gives hundreds of his dollars to a weed trafficker who probably uses those moneys to buy guns and pizza and new clothes for his kids? Not me. Therefore Im reporting the NFL to the DEA.
Take of the Week: This is the internet commenter's verson of "Baby Shoes, Never Worn."
This week in Rovell: A brief history of Rovells investigative reporting on Brandi Chastains bra
Catching up with Brandi Chastain's bra, which might wind up in the hands of her 4-year-old son http://bit.ly/9EvZfv— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) June 25, 2010
Brandi Chastain once told me she was offered "hundreds of thousands of dollars" for her famous bra. She decided to pass.— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) July 10, 2014
Brandi Chastain kept her famous bra in her bedroom drawer for eight years after it became famous.— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) July 10, 2014
Brandy Chastain turned down hundreds of thousands of $ for her famous sports bra. Told me she'd give it to son, who turned 9 this month.— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) June 23, 2015
Brandi Chastain rejected offers in the $200K+ range for her used bra. She told me she'd give it to her son, now 9. pic.twitter.com/ruyWspj1us— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) July 5, 2015
Reader MailPail: Reader Ken connects the dots
In back to back games in 2013, Packers TE Andrew Quarless posted receiving totals of 6 catches for 66 yards, both in games the Packers won by one point with gritty Matt Flynn at the helm (when Rodgers was out). Did he make a deal with the devil, who is now clearly upset with the SCOTUS rulings and using Andrew Quarless to make us pay for our moral sins? Clearly, tight ends in Florida would never have issues with guns otherwise. You can't make this stuff up folks.
This is in refrence to the Packer TE getting arrested for discharging a firearm in a alleged attempt to show off in front of some cute chicks he was trying to impress by scaring them.
Florida needs to make up its mind. So wait, not only is it a crime to intentionally fire a gun at someone, but its also against the law to fire it away from someone too? Thats sending mix messages, its no wonder why folks are confused.
Programming note: The MMBM will be on a two week hiatus while I do some super secret offseason reporting that your not aloud to know about yet. Use these two weeks to write your own takes and them read them allowed to your pets and ex-girlfriends to impress them with how little they actually know about football.