We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Got to check another bucket list item over the weekend and made the trip down to Canton from Cleveland to see Jerome Bettis and 5 other, more deserving Hall of Famers get inducted. It was a whirlwind ride from start to finish, but I walked away from the experence with some major concerns about the future of the NFL's hall of fame.
First of all right of the bat- it's called the Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Very Good, so please stop referring to it as the Hall of Very Good. However, they SHOULD create a Hall of Very Good right next door as a scared-straight program for NFL players who look like there could be Hall of Famers but let there performance slip. Instead of busts you could just put guys like Rich Gannon and Keith Bulluck screaming there heads off at guys to get them back on the right track. You set Matt Forte down in a room walkin around holding Priest Holmes' pocket for a couple hours I guarentee you he comes into camp in the best shape of his life.
Hall of fame inducton day is a very important occasion in the NFL league year. It kciks the season off by honoring past players and letting fans embrace debate against other fans to detmine which players actually arent good enough to make the HOF. The day starts with a parade through downtown Canton and featured all the players riding in fancy cars all flagrantley disobeying Ohio State seatbelt laws like the rules dont apply to them. I brought along a sign to help educate people about why Jerome Bettis shouldnt be allowed to be in the HOF which in retrospect might of been a little provocative but its my opinion and you can reserve the right to not be offended by it. Sorry if Im not PC or whatever.
This guy chose to waive that right.
We had a passionate conversation, and allthough me might of been bigger then me, technically I was the bigger man because I refused to fight him no matter how badly I swear I could of beaten him up. So the rest of the parade was kind of lame and no one my size or smaller then me wanted to fight so I packed up my gear and headed to the Hall.
The hall itself is a badass place where you can walk around checking out uniforms, highlights, interactive displays, pictures and talk some football with other fans to see who knows more about there NFL history. Most fans were dressed up in jerseys or facepaint except for me.
The line was so long to get in to see the head statues I didnt even bother. People in line tld me it was a hour and a half and they werent even in yet. I started to chalk this one up to a lost cause and skipped the bust room, and as I walked around to the other side I couldnt help notice the reverse-sexism in play here since they let the Minnesota Viking cheerleaders skip to the front of the line. Hell if they wanted to see a bunch of busts they could of just tilted their head down is all Im saying.
I documented the fact that they were line jumping and pointed it out to a securty guard, but the Hall of Fame doesnt have a "no butts, no cuts, no alligator guts" policy most likley due to the fact that this would discourage any New Orleans Saints fan from ever tailgating there. So I guess I was just SOL.
Another big problem I had with the HOF is that they had a display up for the first african-american QB to win a superbowl- Doug Williams called "First among equals", but any Redskin fan whose read Animal Farm would know that the hogs were truly the most equal animal out of anyone. I wondered aloud where the display was for Joe Montana- who was the first White QB to win a superbowl after a black QB won one, and that seemed to stump just about every family that passed by.
They had a big interactive exhibit set up there where you could do a instant replay review for yourself and I thought it was just hilarous how they kept replaying the Tuck rule:
Walking through the Hall of Fame is just such a humbling experence. Everywhere you look, you see memoribilia on display from noone but the greatest NFL players of all time.
The best piece by far in the museum was this bronze sculpture showing a old-school, throwback type, hard-nosed coach's son clearing a path for his jittery waterbug, shake-n-bake glory-hog tailback. They didnt identify the artist but whoever made it must of been a real Rodin-Grader:
Walking around the hall before the inductons got started was just alot of fun, and I got to meet alot of cool fans.Including the rare Zubaz/Camo combinaton, and a guy with a Al Davis tattoo:
Then there was this guy I like to call him Phony Dungy
Not totally sure if this is racist or if its reverse racist. Gotta be one or the other.
There was a feature on players marketing themselves, and I am happy to report there is a copy of Firestorm" with Howie Long in the Hall of Fam, as well as this advertisement for this workout product which Im sure was recalled worldwide after 1 month of sales and 45 wrongfull death lawsuits:
But The problem with the Hall of Fame is that its a unsustanable model. In order to make it a truly fair Hall of Fame it should be a one-in, one-out policy. You want to let Brett Farve in there next year? Sure, but you better be prepared to tell Mercury Morris to pack his bags once he kicks the bucket. We used to be on the gold standard in this country but now it seems like were just raising the debt ceiling and adding and adding to our talent deficit without ever making any payments out the other end and kickng the players out who in retrospect werent as good. All the credit in the world to those guys but its a attenton span league, and those old-timers just dont have the interest levels.
What kind of a mess or our children and our childrens children going to inherit if we dont reign in our out-of-control enshrining ASAP. Next thing you know we're going to have to start selling bonds to the Chinese to finance the millionth wing or else the building will collapse on itself.
Therefore I humbly suggest that when a hall of famer dies, they have a final 4 year grace period to rest in peace before they get kicked out to make way for the new ones. Maybe you could bury them underneath the beer garden in the parking lot or something, I dont know Im not a urban planner but I do have common sense. Turn it into like a catacombes type thing except for guys who used to be good at sports.
The fact that we keep adding on without culling the herd is just another brick in the wall of creeping socialism that is invading are lives. The HOF shouldnt be a big-tent party, it should be a exclusive members-only club where your only on top of the mountain until you get knocked off it. If I ever make the hall of fame I dont want to be appointed for life I mean look at the supreme court. I want to ean my spot in there every damn day. Dont believe me, well even the Hall of Fame stadium just reeks of entitlement:
As for the enshrinement cermony itself, after finding my seat and trying to get the wave going and failing spectacular, we sat through a bunch of speeches, which contaned very little actual football. I am 100% serous when I say that when Sydney Seau gave her speech about her dad about 70% of the fans in my immedate environs were crying and I saw more than a few terrible towels being used to wipe eyes. Not me though. I have simply to much pride to admit to crying in a football column.
Tim Brown talked for so long I thought all the Raiders fans were going to be in very real danger of violating there weekend-release stipulations. Things were getting tense for the other fans as well as you could look around the ballfield and see all thePittsburgh fans getting antsy that there moms were going to want to leave before Bettis got to speak.
So after Bettis wrapped up some speech abuot how good he was after he quit college, I made a beeline straight for my car to get the hell out of there as the floodgates opened and a stampede of 20,000 Steelers fans in Bettis jerseys and cargo shorts came sprinting down the hill to get out of Canton.
All in all just a great weekend.
Road Grader of the Week: Chip Kelly
Absolutley LOVE what Chip Kelly's doing with the Eagles. Last week, he held DeMarco Murray out of practice for being TOO hydrated. Kelly makes his player pee into a cup before every practice so that he can monitor there levels of hydration and also if we're being honest probably just to make sure his players know that he has so much control over them that he can collect there urine everyday and get away with it. So Murray's blood-type game back "All Sport" and Kelly sat his ass down on the bench for being soft. They use to call me "the cactus" back in high school because It was like I never needed water and was kind of a prick.
If Im Chip Kelly. I would of told him, "son, you like Deer Park so much, how about while the rest of us are practicing you chug the whole pack of bottles." See how much he likes water after that.
Say what you want about smoking pot but Id rather have my RB sucking bong hits out of a plastic bottle then gulping down H20 every time his mouth is dry from running his trap. Im gonna start to call this guy Evian Bell folks, dear God how much water does one man need. Ironic how the NFL tests players for pot, but dosen't have uniform tests for water- the most addictive substants of them all. Water addiction is real and can lead to symptoms such as: excuse-making, showing signs of weakness to your opponet, and death from withdrawls. Do the right thing Goodell.
Hell, back when I played being thirsty was a sign of weakness as was being concussed or injured. I'd rather have my players asking "what're breaks?" then asking for "Water breaks"- thats the mentalty you need to win in the NFL. During a regular season game, your not going to have time for water breaks except when someone punts, kicks, scores a touchdown, kicke the extra point after the touchdown, after they kick off after a touchdown, on a interception, fumble, offical review, coach's challenge, injury, or timeout.
Fan of the Week: The only fan in the Hall of Fame Parade who accepted my offer of fireball:
Of course it was the Seahawk fan.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Well this ones really been put through its paces this week hasnt it folks? The fact is that just about everyone has addressed this burning issue accept for Flacco himself. The Ravens weighed in on it twice, as did ESPN and all the other websites that literaly stole my clicks.
It was literaly trending nationwide on facebook for a few hours.
But Flacco himself sits in his Ivory tower burying his head in the sand instead of his playbook, and refuses to answer. Therefor I have no choice but to put the Flacco-meter at its lowest setting since the 4th quater of the game against the Patriots after he threw one INT after 4 TD passes.
This week's rating is: Hes a bum
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Still think Robert Griffin III is the worst official spokesperson Subways ever had.
COUNTERPOINT: Porn is NOT worse than Hitler. You know who else thought everything was worse then Hitler? Thats right, Hitler.
3. Arian Foster came out as a atheist last week and somehow I'm suppose to ignore his history of injuries like one has nothing to do with the other? Ironic how Tim Tebow never missed a game with a injury and praises God every day, while Arian Foster cant keep his muscle fibers from trying to strangles themselves. Heck, maybe if I played for 5 season with Matt Schaub I wouldnt think there was a God either. But I know another Arian who was a atheist folks, here's a hint- he's a little worse then porn.
4. The Tennessee Titans seem to be the only team that understands the second amendement anymore. Last week, the Attorney General of Tennessee ruled that citizens can bring there guns into any county or municpality-owned venue, irregardless of any policy put in place by the occupants or venue-administartors. This law would apply to the Titans, Predators, and even the Grizzlies:
Finally some common sense. NFL fans have been sitting Ducks, no offense to the University of Oregon graduates NFL success-rate, for years now. This law is frankly overdo- NFL stadiums have long been a violent cesspool for some of the worst crimnal elements in our society but heck, enough about the players! Serously though, good for the state of Tennessee for leading the way in reducing stadium violence by allowing fans to bring guns into games.
5. PC Police are running amuck: A Vermont motion to name a pair of creeks "North Branch Garth Brook" and "South Branch Garth Brook" and in effect, create "Garth Brooks" was struck down by town officals in Plainfield. Instead (get this) there naming the creeks after a Native American name of Mskaskek which means "red spruce." I guess you could "blame it all on there roots," but a tree has never put out a gold record folks. Im still holding out hope that Optimum Nutriton accepts my submission for a new flavor of whey protein "Chris Gains."
6. JJ Watt gets it, part one million and two.:
I'm trying to be the superstar that every average Joe would be. I'm so fortunate and so thankful because they can choose any jersey in the whole world to wear, but they choose to wear No. 99 and Watt on their back. So, it's my job to go out there and make them damn proud every single day to put that 99 on.
Pictured here is JJ Watt, who is not on steroids
7. Lindsay Adler from Buzzfeed is reading the Gronk book, cant beleve I got scooped on that one smh at myself. But it seems pretty chill:
The Gronk book is bad and also makes me really uncomfortable: pic.twitter.com/hTpCcBO25t— Lindsey Adler (@Lahlahlindsey) August 10, 2015
8. NFL players are getting upset because there getting Game of Thrones spoilers in the locker room. Kevin Clark of the Wall Street Journal has been absoluteley owning the "NFL players as nerds" beat this offseason, breaking the news that the Packers play "Settlers of Catan" and now this GOT revelaton. If NFL players are complaning that they had never heard of the "White Walkers" all that tells me is they should of been watching more film on Toby Gerhardt.
Its also a good thing to know that NFL players are mad about spoiler alerts so now if they dont perform on youre fantasy team during Sunday Night Football you can tweet them spoilers as kind of a fun way of taking some power back for us fans. Giong to file this one away under "great ideas" until September.
9. A woman ran the London Marathon on her period without any tampon, pad, or IUD, or whatever else women use to keep themselves from grossing out men who dont understand periods. If she had been a little faster you just know the London papers would of had a field day with the "If It Bleeds, It Leads" headlines.
10. Starwood traveler note of the week: Was orignally planning on sleeping in my car after I left Canton, so I stopped at a rest stop on the highway back to Cleveland and started to get some close-eye when I noticed there were signs all over the place saying to be on the lookout since this was a area of highly concentrated drug use. So instead of sleeping on the side of the road in Methlehem Pennsylvania, I booked the only hotel in Cleveland I could find with avalability and made the one hour drive back. It was a great hotel except for no remote, dirty washcloths thrown all over the room, and then I discovered after a shower no towels, I tried to use the haridrier on my body instead and this happened:
11. Cam Newton instigated a fight with the Panther new Cornerback Josh Norman by throwing a intercepton to him, the two squared off and the two exchanged blows:
(Image via Charlotte Observer)
Once again proof positive that Cam has a disengenous smile. This mans emotions are backwards: he smiles when he fights, he cries when hes happy, he atttends 3 colleges and dosent study. This guys just backwards down to his baseball cap folks. Mike Florio of ProFootballTalk rightfully points out that if you throw a punch during a football practice, you should be supsended for 6 games because if theres one thing missing from football its more lawyers. Im just more concerned about the precendent this sets. If Newtons going to be gettng into a fight after every interveption he's going to be spending the whole season trying to box the NFC south. See thats the diffrence between Newton and Tom Brady- one cares about getting rings, the other wants to get IN the ring.
12. Not to brag or anything but I started my day off in Canton getting some Dunkin Donut's and there was a troop who was immedaitely behind me waiting to order so I stepped to the side and gave him my spot in line to thank him for his service.
I did this even though there were no reporter's around with no expectation whatsoever of ever receving publicity or acknowledgement for this selfless deed. Think we could all take this time to learn a little lesson in humility from me.
Internet Comment of the week:
This week in Rovell: I catch Darren Rovell in a lie
Last Friday, the Cleveland Indians were nice enough to bring me as a guest to there game vs the Minnesota Twins, and even better- it was $1 hot dog night. I ate 13 at a lesisurely pace because I was force to make three trips back and forth to their concession stand due to a "6 hot dogs per person" policy which I would normally call unconstitutional, but in this case I kind of needed the excercise. I shattered Rovells record of 8 hot dogs, which caused him to let me know that he at his in 8 minutes at Progressive field. And I guess it would be impressed, but as a journlist I just cant take everyone at their word so next time I went for a couple more cold ones I asked the hot dog ladies to verify Darrens story:
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