We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The Arizona Cardnals hired the NFLs first woman coach which I guess is a big deal for all the sexists out there. I dont see gender unless I'm trying to decide if I should hit on you agressively on a public street, so I could literaly care less. However, its painfully obvous to anyone who ever watched the sport that I personally am not mature enough to have a woman coaching a team that I follow.
First of all, Im not sexist. I watch porn all the time so let me stop you right there. Im concerned about the message it sends to our nations adult daughters that they know more about football then I do, especially if I'm trying to talk to them at a bar to impress them with how little they actually know about football. I guess most people sometimes forget that Im a man, and that Im uncomfortable around powerful women. What about my rights?
Theres no doubt in the world that this is a historical hire. But you cant have it both ways. You always hear us talk about "well behaved women never make history." So in other words since Jen Welter literally just made history you have to admit that she's very poorly behanved and probably has more skeletons in her closet then Aaron Hernandez. Seems like women didnt really think that saying through.
The NFL is a meritocracy and the fact is she shouldnt of gotten to jump to the front of the line into a cushy unpaid intern position over all the Bowden brothers who would give the last 20 points off their IQ to spend 30 minutes sniffing the dry-erase markers off a NFL whiteboard. She should have to pay her do's just like everyone else- I mean what percentage of her last 16 years playing and coaching the sport should we even count here since I had never heard of her until last week?
My main concern is would a woman be as sociopathically neglectful of there families as most men head coaches? The only woman I know who would spend 22 hours a day away from home just to be around a bunch of football players was my ex-wife. Can you see a woman tripping a opponent on a kick return? These are my concerns.
Plus lets think about the required skillset of a NFL coach here. Her job is literally going to be trying to change every man that shes around. This does not end well.
Or maybe what if she shows up for a press conference wearing something kind of revealing or maybe something not quite revealing enough? The bottom line is that Im not sure that I personally am comfortable with having a female NFL coach, and your not allowed to discriminate against someone just because they're a bigot or else thats discrimination. Not to take the side of the Nazi party, but the Russian armys biggest ethical mistake was forgetting that "tolerence" and "understanding" was a two-way street as they showed their hypocrisy in counter-attacking there German opponents just because they happened to disagree with their "Stop killing our peasants" ideology.
So in other words, until I can prove to myself and those around me when I get drunk, that I am mature enough for the NFL to have a woman coach, the league should repsect my right to be unable to emotionally deal with this news.
SB Nation presents: This is the summer of amazing sports women
Road Grader of the Week: Eric Berry
Big shout out to Eric Berry for his All-Pro performance against Hodgkin lymphoma these past 7 months:
Berry opted to have IVs during each chemotherapy in order for him to work out during the process. He came out of chemo a pound heavier.
— Pete Sweeney (@pgsween) July 29, 2015
Its called CANcer not CANTcer, and Berry showed that with a positive attitude and a desire to not skip any workouts, you can lick that sucker good. Talk about making lemonade out of lemons folks, just goes to show you that you can beat anything through eating clean and squats- and even come back stronger.
BUT the NFL is a copycat league and you can bet the wheels have allready started turning inside the heads of some of our leagues less ethical players. They see a guy like Berry putting up massive gains after his diagnosis and next thing you know you'll start seeing players buying houses next to nucular power plants and smoking 10 packs of marlboro reds a day just to try and get a medically beneficial amount of cancer. Heck, this is porbably why RG3 keeps coming up with a new excuses to get X-Rayed every week.
Not to be offensive to Berry, but I think its time for Roger Goodell to look at supsending players who get cancer. Theres clearly some illegal benefits to getting a diagnosis: For instants, there allowed to keep getting paid even though they dont have to work, plus then theres the whole medicial marijuana stuff that goes along with it. You add in the Lance Armstrong effect where some people get better at sports after fighting illness and its no wonder I'm already imagining Jared Allen booking all those Habitat For Humanity projects just so he can huff asbestos on his breaks.
Roger Goodell and the NFL have come too close to curing breast cancer to see it all go up in flames because some greedy players try to take advantage of a loophole in the CBA. Again Im sure that Eric Berry is innocent in all this but it wouldnt suprise any of us to see the entire Patriots defensive backfield listed on the injury report as having "suspicious moles"- talk about SpyGate 2 folks. And since everyone whose never been diagnosed is literally "pre-cancerous" he wouldnt be lying either.
Hopefully the commish is reading this and putting his personal phrenologist in charge of the leagues oncology fraud detection wing of the NFL security apparatus before its too late. A ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and Goodell cant afford to have another preventable embarassment on his hands.
Fan of the Week: Youngstown State is a blue collar university
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter: We actually have hard data thanks to Michael Blix
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Ok so last week I shared with you a screencap of a survey on the Des Moines registers website which ased the queston if Joe Flacco was a Elite QB. The options, of course, were "yes," "no," and "both Elite and not Elite at the same time."
Well Michael James Blix is the industrous fellow who designed the survey, and got in touch with me to share the results in the name of science so here's the cold hard data. Thanks Michael.
(note: FiveThirtyEight.com may not republish these results unless they peer review it and offer there own takes.)
Here are the results by Gender- suprisingly it shows that women are more discenring then guys when it comes to using the term "Elite," most likey because women are more likely then men to have been dissappointed by a mans performance in the past:
So less than 10% of women think Joe Flacco is Elite, and about a quarter of the entire US population agrees with the "Baldingers Cat" assertion that Joe Flacco exists in a state where he is both Elite and not Elite, simultneously.
Next, lets look at the voting breakdown by population density to find out what people think of Flacco in the inter city, the suburbs, and out in the middle of nowhere.
Here we learn that Joe Flacco polls suprisingly strong in Urban populations, most likely due to the population of his recent mixtape:
Now the big shocker in this brakedown was how the Rural vote skewed. Only 4% of rural repondents think that Joe Flacco is a Elite Quarterback, this is probably due to the fact that many in rural communitys dont have access to First Take or ESPN2 radio simulcasts and likely forgot that he won a superbowl.
And finally, lets look at how the vote brokedown by region of the United States:
He has a terrible approval rating in the midwest due to the fact that he beast the Bengals and Browns each twice a year, and the vast majorty of Ohioans are either incarcerated or in federal prison and dont have anything better to do then vote in internet polls all day. Folks Hitler has better numbers in the American midwest then Flacco right now. If there is a bigger indictment of common core then seeing Flaccos numbers in the south, I havent seen it.
And if you take a look to the bible belt you see that more people in the South think that Dinosaurs and humans shared access to drinking water then believe that Joe Flacco is Elite.
In fact, the Northeast is the only part of the country where the combination of "Elite and not Elite at the same time" and "yes" enjoy a plurality over "no." We are truly a nation divided, and nothing shows this better then looking at Flaccos numbers here.
So what did we learn? Flacco is overly reliant on the Urban, Northeast, Female demographic- sound like anyone else you know?
This week's rating is: Hes a bum
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Coach Bill Belichick was the most irritated Ive ever seen him last week as reporters hammered him about DeflateGate. Hell if Bill wanted to press to start ignoring Patriots he should of just held his press conference from Benghazi, folks.
2. Turns out that San Francisco 49er Darnell Docket shows up on a Baltimore City Police Departments Threat List for "chatter":
Basicaly the Baltimore City Police added him to a watch list because he tweeted out a picutre of when the BPD was saying that every gang member in Baltimore was organizing and getting together to attack police officers. Dockett thought this was bullshit, and even though he was right, he was also retroactivley wrong and inciting a riot by publicaly disagreeing with police officers.
Heres the thing, if a Cops lying, be repsectful and dont disagree with them until all the facts have come out. Theres a time and a place to disagree with them and its 25 years afterwards when we're deciding what to leave out of history textbooks. Kind of ironic that "Dockett" would appear on the wrong end of a list of legal incidents dont you think? Never see this happening to Winston Justice, just saying.
3. As training camps get underway, we start talking alot about which QBs might take that next step and become Elite. So far this year I've heard folks talk about Tennehill, Romo, Stafford, Newton, Kapernick, and Wilson as being the next guys to take that leap. So some have started to wonder:
At some point, can we officially define elite?
— JJ Zachariason (@LateRoundQB) July 30, 2015
Eliteness is like pornography- its awesome.
4. Im starting to get worried that the lunchpail has jumped the shark.
When you've got a brunch-guy like Keenan Robinson bringing one on to the field you've lost me. Keenans the only person from the Mack Brown era who WASNT recruted as a safety folks I mean how bad can his hands and hips be?
Now we dont have all the facts here, maybe he stole it out of Trent Murphys locker or something. Your walking all over Richmond begging to be compared to Clark Kent, but you forget your holding practice in a town thats known more for having super heroin then superheros.
"I am the humblest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I am not humble."
Maybe this special teamer should spend less time studying Soccerates and more time studying Football-tees.
LeSean McCoy: "... For the record there was no big orgy or anything."
— Mike Rodak (@mikerodak) July 31, 2015
Uh thanks LeSean but the question was about how your adjusting to Chan Gaileys offense.
6. In case you missed it last Thursday heres a in-depth scouting report I did on the Patriots fans sprinting in to the first day of traning camp. But it seems in all the commotion I may of missed the most important part: The couple who said they will not go on there honeymoon until Brady is reinstated are holding strong and more supportive then ever.
Paul Goodrow, who seems like the kind of guy youd like to have a relaxing beer with and discuss probbably only NFL football, was asked about how much his marrage revolves around Patriots football: "Our whole house is Patriots. It’s like a man cave," he said. "It’s like my wife doesn’t even live there."
That sounds like such a kick ass marrage. Dont get me wrong Im a big one-man one-woman type guy, but having a marrage where you have longer conversations with your Mike Vrabel fathead then with your wife sounds like the best of both worlds.
Goodrow showed off his Tom Brady and Bill Belichick tattoos and you have to admit its kind of badass:
And heres his Tom Brady tattoo:
(via CBS Boston)
Couple things to note here: The 4 synthetic Superbowl rings pretty much telling Vladamir Putin "Come and take it, chump." Also the Bruins tattoo on the left calf is a nice afterthought. One big concern I have for Paul is the tripping hazard thats inherent with wearing shoes that are clearly 2 sizes to big for you. This is the type of detail that Belichick would have your ass for. Unless thats a intentional move to leave a little space for his anole to save big bucks on having to buy a terrarium, I cant support this shoe choice.
Also you have to admit its a brillant move to hold off on spending like a thousand bucks for as long as possible. It doesnt say this in the article but its more probable then not that Paul is a financial planner.
Uh so in solidarity I am holding off on paying my rent until the Raiders win a Superbowl. It just wouldnt seem right.
7. Iowa Defensive End Drew Ott uses every part of the lunchpail folks. As part of his training routine he staright up eats a entire hard boiled egg without peeling it at all:
Thanks to the NFL Collective Barganing Agreement, your more likely to see a player hug his coach for making him wear a shell then you are to see him eat one.
8. You can tell we live in a backwards time when youve got women getting prased for winning UFC fights and literally domestically assaulting a woman in the Octogon, yet a man gets fired for giving away to much money to women.
A Gilbert computer engineer financed a nearly half-million-dollar online-stripper habit with a company credit card and tried to cover it up by lying about what he had bought in expense reports, according to federal authorities.
A federal grand jury in Missouri indicted John David Berrett last week on five counts of wire fraud in connection with more than $476,000 that investigators say he spent using purchasing power entrusted to him by World Wide Technology.
People need to make up there minds. Sorry feminazi's but you cant have it both ways. Either women are underpaid, or this guy should be lifted on your shoulders as a hero for spending $476,000 of his own employers hard earned money on women who take there clothes off online. Some people will try to point fingers and say that this guy was only stealing money for selfish reasons like having the most expensive masturbating habit ever. And sure I can see how you might walk away with that impresison. But thats not telling the whole story. If anything the only thing that Berrett is (ed's note: ALLEGEDLY) guilty of besides wire fraud, is caring too much:
He bought another stripper a digital piano, headphones and extended warranty worth about $2,300, but claimed it was fiber-optic cables, disc drives and patch cords, records show.
He bought her the extended warranty. If that doesnt tell you how much his heart was in the right place I think you might be a lost cause. I have never, and probably will never buy a extended warranty for anything besides a vortex football in my entire life and the selflessness that Mr. Berrett deomanstrates with his actions is commendable to say the least. Probably cost him $200 bucks and 3 hours time to fill out all that paperwork correctly. I have no idea how any feminist can look at themselves in the mirror and feel good about there activism if there not standing on the table applauding Mr. Berrett at the top of there lungs for his service, folks.
9. Going to be up in the greater Cleveland area this weekend covering the GOP national meetings. Blue collar town, blue collar canidates, and pretty much the NFL Blitz of Presidental debates. CANT WAIT.
10. Possible sleeper fantasy draft pick at RB? If you said Chase Danels, your one hundred percent correct:
The running back has become such a plug and play devalued position in the NFL that Chase Daniels has overtaken Jamaal Charles on the depth chart. How does this happen? Easy. Charles is a feet first speed reader whose feet get to the second level faster then his brain does. Doesnt do you any good to run 7 yards if your eyes cant make it 2.
Daniels, on the other hand is a good Missouri boy whose name literally translates to "wash that whisky down with a damn beer." Plus if you've ever taken Judo you would know that you cant use someones own energy against them if they dont have any to begin with. The next evolution of the RB position has arrived folks.
11. Dez Bryant got into a training camp fight and was smart enough to take his opponet's helmet off his head before punching it. Tells me he's really maturing and this could be a break out season for him.
12. Russell Wilson, whose name as I've pointed out literally trasnlates to "Rec-league Sportswear," just got awarded $60 million for holding himself hostage. But a I guess a dual-threat gimmick QB like Wilson was always going to be synonymous with "ran-some."
13. Watch the Titans prepare for there season with this strange drill:
The only thing that looks worse then the Titans in this video are all the football players running around between them.
Reader MailPail- Moss watch
The Jacksonville Sharks Arena football teams head coach is realy milking a injury:
The Arena Football League's Jacksonville Sharks Coach Les Moss injured his foot on hot concrete...this happened in May and 2 months later hes still in a wheelchair coaching from a skybox.
This is true, the coach stepped on to concrete that was to hot and that put him in a wheelchair and he is literally still in a wheelchair 3 months later. I guess its literaly 90 times harder to coach a AFL team then it is to manage a Dudner Mifflin. Maybe his foot was so well cooked that he couldnt stop himself from trying to eat it, which exacerabted the healing process I dont know. Alls I know is that I want a coach whose on the hot seat not the hot feet.