On Saturday night, the Pro Football Hall of Fame will induct Jerome Bettis. The big truck stick from the Motor City would go on the become the bus, one of the lowest pad-level, road grading, mouthpiece shredding, hat-on-a-hat type guys that ever set foot on a field of any sort. The history books will show that Bettis was one of the most hilarious runningbacks in the history of the NFL, but they will also show that he literaly flunked himself out of college when he left for the NFL.But we'll get to that. To understand why Bettis is such a quitter and also such a poor roll model for our nations youths you have to understand his background.
Jerome Bettis was born in Detroit, Michigan- people forget that. As a youngster, Bettis’ss first love was, like most urban youths, bowling. This was back in the day when Detroit was more concern about throwing strikes on the lanes than in the assembly lines and the only Union meeting that was mandatory was watching Reagan address a joint session, but hey I guess time's change. The important thing to note here is that he didnt even start playing football until after he hit puberty since he had to much respect to try and play a mans game as a boy.
But as soon as he hit high school, Jerome traded in the woodgrain of the bowling alley for the woodgrain of the dark alley. Him and his brother started selling crack and shooting at people who wouldnt pay them for there crack because he was making bad decisions. Since he never actualy hit anyone with bullets, Lou Holtz gave him a full scholarship to Notre Dame, never thinking that Bettis would literaly wipe his butt with it 3 years later.
They called him "Rudy" at ND not because he was a little guy with heart but because he at a ton of mediocre gas station barbeque on the way to every game. According to Wikipedia, The Bus was only the second player in ND history to be allowed to tape the outside of his shoes during a game which is the most Notre Dame stat of all time to keep.
After only three years and no college diploma Bettis thought his scholarship said "golden shower" not "golden domer" and he took a big whiz all of the damn thing. It was time to leave his coaches and teamates in the dust and head for the bright lights of Los Angeles.
Jerome Bettis is such a Pittsburgh guy that they allways forget that he was a St. Louis Ram for 4 years. Its like how everyone so closely associates John Kerry with being a flip flopper even though he was against being a flip-flopper before he was for it. They called him "The Battering Ram" in LA partialy because of his straight-forward running style and also because of his affinity for dipping his mouthpeace in tempura. Nonetheless, the Rams used Bettis in a manner incosistent with his labeling as a fullback instead of a fullstomach, and eventually traded him to Pittsburgh for a second round pick and 25 years of mediocrity. As the Rams moved to St. Louis, Bettis moved to Pittsburgh and literaly put down so many perogis that you couldnt even see his ribs anymore. Its like if Kafkas metamorphis was about a guy who finally changed into a man and started going to work.
Bettis was united with Head Coach Bill Cowher in Pittsburgh and the two struck up a instant friendship probably. I dont know if they really liked each other or anything but they won alot of football games together. They could of been like a married couple who fights all the time but then rips each others clothes off and just goes to town in the bedroom. Who knows. *Go back and fix this paragraph later*
Perhaps the best play of Bettis career came against Indianpolis in the 2006 AFC championship game where he ran into the Colts goal line defense so hard that he fumbled and let Ben Roethlisberger make the most important tackle in NFL history. It was that victory that led the Steelers to Superbowl XL which was played in Detroit, which is where people forget that Jerome Bettis is from.
The Steelers would go on to win the game on the back of Superbowl MVP Bill Leavy, and Bettis waddled off into the sunset by retiring a champion. Retiring after winning a superbowl is such a cheap move, you shouldnt even be aloud to do it. Its a major Andrew Jackson move killing yourself in office so everyone thinks your great and puts you on a twenty dollar bill because you werent around long enough to be exposed as a racist. If Hitler had retired from war after taking over Sudetenland, Neville Chamberlain would of probably been all "well done sport" and Hitler would of remained President forever. You should stay on top of the mountain long enough for someone to come knock you off or get caught using PEDs trying to stay there. None of this LBJ crap.
Despite his excellent career, the fact is that Jerome Bettis shouldn't be aloud in the Hall of Fame because he doesn't have a college degree. Its called the Hall of Fame not the Hall of Detention for a reason and thats because to get in you should have to hit the books as hard as you hit the blocking sled. We dont allow college dropouts to run for president or become famous musicians because of the message it sends to children- why should professional atheletes be the any different. You know who else dropped out of college? Hitler- a guy whose actions got him swarmed by WASPs, not draped in yellow jackets. Maybe if had bothered to maintain a bee average we'd be telling a different story. The bottom line is its called CANton, not CANTon, and the fact that Jerome Bettis is to dumb to have graduated from college before getting his millions proves the rule that behind every great fortune is a great crime.
In todays PC Police world I bet you all are really going to let my inbox have it for this one- some of you guys spend more time worrying about email then females the way my spam folder piles up. Your probably going to ask- what does one have to do with the other? Why cant a football player be judged on his actions as a football player? Thats like saying lets not waist time worrying about weather Obama went to a Muslim school for a year when he was 8, or lets stop digging deep to find out if Sarah Palin banged Glenn Rice when she was in college. These things matter.
The thing is, some people never had the oportunty to go to Notre Dame despite the fact that I rooted for their sports teams growing up. I would of given my right leg just to set foot on there quad. Its a good thing he would go on to earn a terrible towel after the mess he left behind when he finished prematurely. Its disrespectful and frankly kind of racist against me personally given the lack of thoughtfulness he showed to all of us who were better at watching sports than playing them.
HOWEVER when it comes time for Bettis to be in shrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, I will stand on a table and root the guy on louder then anyone else even though he is a quitter who has more Superbowl rings than class rings. Because Jerome Bettis had the most statistically perfect game of all time in NFL history. On September 12, 2004, Bettis led the Steelers to a 24-21 victory over the Oakland Raiders in a game that will never be forgotten by me or anyone who will ever sit next to me on a airplane. Of course setting a record against the Raiders is like losing your virginity to Courtney Love so it should almost have a asterisk, but the fact remains that he statline from that contest will never be duplcated.
-He had 5 carries for 1 yard
-His longest carry on the day was 1 yard
-He had 3 TDs
Didnt outrun his blockers, didnt try and hit any home runs. He just let his ass do the work and his thighs do the talkin, and basically tucked the ball away long enough to jet-fart 7 inches forward three times over a little white line that happened to be the only one worth crossing.
But imagine how much better he could of been if he graduated from college.