We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Notice to all the Dallas Cowboys homers whether your from California, Virginia, or Florida. Your probably not going to like what I have to say and to be perfectly honest I dont care. But you can look at the stats and agree with me, or you can look at your own lint-filled belly button and bury your head in the sand.
The Cowboys are a better team without Dez Bryant. Sorry but its true.
This team just works better without Dez. Having Bryant out of the line-up allows Tony Romo to execute the offense better and spread the ball around to players like Jason Witten and Cole Beasley instead of having to worry about getting a threatening phone call from JZ for not throwing 4 consecutive goal line fades every time they get inside the ten. Not to mention all the off-the-field stuff that goes along with him. This is a franchise that is all about what happens between the stripes, and no Dez Im not talking about a chalk outline in a Wallmart parking lot. Some people will be quick to point out that Dez has never been convicted of a crime but thats just goes to show you how sneaky and devious he really is that hes able to get away with everything you have to imagine he's doing.
As a ticket-holding fan, and recever of unemloyment benefits, I pay his salary and he pays mine so I consider him to be a coworker. And as a coworker I am entitled to say that this office just runs a lot smoother when hes on vacation.
For many teams, its actually beneficial to lose your most talented player. For example, if one guys gettng 50% of your targets and lighting the board up for TDs every time he touches the ball, that means that there is almost barely any film out there on your worse athletes, so opposing coaches wont know how to scheme for your less dynamic playmakers. Also, throwing the ball to your slower players gives fans a better chance to follow along with the action instead of going out there and having these drive-killing runaway touchdowns that'll drive your offensive cordinator crazy.
The fact is, Dez would of never not completed the act of catching that ball against Green Bay if he wasn't on the field to begin with.
Lets just take a look at last nights game. So first of all Dez had to leave the game IN THE FIRST QUARTER.
OF A NIGHT GAME.
THAT WAS BEING PLAYED INDOORS.
BECAUSE HE WAS DYHYDRATED.
Maybe he should change his number from "eighty-eight" to "drinky-drink" folks.
Hell maybe if he avoided opponets as well as he avoided the gatorade cooler well then maybe he wouldn't of gotten his foot stepped on or whatever happened to him. Cant break your foot if your too busy breaking your neck to help your team win. Its literally impossible to injure anything below the hip if your too busy laying for a pass.
But then mysterously he appeared to be just fine after the game, when cameras spotted him jumping a round like hes at a Body Count concert. So Dez Bryants not healthy enough to play but hes healthy enough to do a celebration dance huh? Shocker. The fact is that Dallas are 1-0 without him this year, so the Cowboys should consider moving him permanently from wide out- to left out.
And now on to this week's awards
Road Grader of the Week: Danny Woodhead
Anyone who hasnt already put there kids college fund down on a bet for Woodhead to win "comeback player of the year" might a well be throwing there money away. I actually predicted this the day he got hurt last year and carted off that field in a damn John Deere tractor. And in his regular season return, Ol' Danny two-times dropped a pair of TDs on Detroit. In a sweet bit of turnabout, it was nice to see a stadium of people have gathered to watch a bunch of Lions be carved up by a Christian for a change.
Thanks to Tastes Like Burning for the pic
Fan of the Week: Who Gave Batman a gun?
"Sir, I'm afraid you can't bring that weapon into the stad - oh, I'm so sorry, by all means, Batman." pic.twitter.com/E3nP7bWqjJ— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) September 13, 2015
Showoff of the Week: Odell Beckham, Jr.
Odell Beckham Jr lying in the end zone, preacticing catching the ball on his back pic.twitter.com/6PCQpzjtii— The Cauldron (@TheCauldron) September 13, 2015
The Kardashianification of Odell Beckham continues folks. This guys only famous for being in one late-night video and now we're suppose to act like he's a real celebrity? I dont think so. And just like Kim, its no suprise that he does most of his work on his back folks.
Why in the world would you need to be able to catch balls like this? I admit that the padlevel is just about perfect but it shows a lack of repsect for your quarterback that you would even need to practice such absurdly angled passes.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter: He is but he isn't
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
It figures to be time for Commissoner Goodell to commission a 500-page investgative report on whether or not Flacco is Elite. The last time we saw Bazooka Joe play a game that mattered all he did was ight up the Pats secondary for 4 TDs in a half. If New England hadnt cheated by running better plays then the Ravens, Baltimore would of gone on to the Superbowl. Opening day on the other hand, was a disaster for Joe. He had 107 yards 2 interceptons and 0 TDs.
The true mark of a Elite Quarterback is how your defense responds to help you win a close game that you've played poorly in. As a QB- do you make your defense better? And in this case, I think the Ravens D stepped up enough to give Joe a chance to botch the ending, so in my opinon you have to give Flacco a little credit for shutting down Peyton Manning.
And Joe was so close to making up for his lackluster performence with his second to last pass of the day. It would of won the game for the Ravens, had the pass not bounced off Wide Receiver/quitter Steve Smiths hands. See, this is what happens when you announce that your retiring after the seasons over, you start to coast. Smith has basically put in his 16-week notice and now hes just going through the motions, spending most of his time at work just reading Grantland and checking his personal email instead of looking the ball into his hands maintaining eye presence on each and every pass. If I have a player who says hes quitting from my team, I tell him I'll pay him for half the season as long as he stays the hel away from the office. That type of thing is contagous, too. On the very next play Flacco's TE didn't want the ball enough to leap through double covereage and the ball was picked off to seal the loss.
This week's rating is: He's a bum
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Three Washington notes to start the column:
The Redksins had the most effecient 10-17 loss I can ever recall. It really says something about your franchise when you lose 10-17 and people are literaly optimistic about the offense.
This is a shirt I have never seen before. Screams respect pic.twitter.com/DX5LhXUd3g— Dan Steinberg (@dcsportsbog) September 13, 2015
2. The Redskins have been practicing using RG3 as safety for the scout team and to be honest with you it makes alot of sense. Its like when a top Vice President of Sales leaves a company to become the head buyer/procurement guy at another company. Who would better understand the process of interceptions then the guy who used to throw them. Thats just good coaching on Jon Grudens part. Some worrywarts out there are saying "what if he gets another concusson and you have to pay him $16 million dollars?" Hell your paying him $6 to be a giant headache right now, folks.
3. True Detective Season 3-13
4. Bills fans get it. The cameras in Rumplemintz stadium or whatever the hell its called, are low enough so they catch the outstretched arms of Bills fans. Lets see what made it on to televison this week shall we?
The bird making a guest appearance in the bottom right corner in today's Bills game @drewmagary @Deadspin pic.twitter.com/aBKyaXtanM— HeyCambo (@HeyCambo) September 13, 2015
@BarstoolBigCat #BillsMafia pic.twitter.com/jUlxsBSlbp— Noods (@noodles7677) September 13, 2015
Add this in to there unabashed loved for Mad Dog 2020, and the Bills fans are quickly becoming one of the more Elite fanbases in the country. And folks let me tell you, you havent truly had mad dog til you've had it in Buffalo, which is much closer to the power plant/ice fishing/strip club facilty where its made. its like drinking guiness in ireland.
HOWEVER (Stephen A Smith voice) Im growing concerned that the Bills might be getting too good too fast- and that would be a disaster for there fans. You dont want the homeless guy on the corner to all of the sudden win the lottery because hes going to be the most annoying rich guy ever and probably total a few cars and build a bonfire in his ilving room. You want him to find a decent place to rent first, get a ok job and then maybe save up enough money to be able to afford to buy a dinner out now and then before he starts treating all of his bridge-people friends to Ruths Cris and importing french wine that hes going to mix with vodka anyways.
The Bills had a great win, but you cant jus take Buffalonians and have them become winners immedately. Things are going to get ugly so fast if you combine the hard-charging lifestyle of Western New York and throw in a superiority complex to boot. You think Patriots fans are bad, well you havent seen what these quasi-canadians are capable of after a 14 win season.
5. Im on record that JJ Watt might actually be Hitler, but Im thinking theres also a chance that hes Jesus instead. Its a fine line.
Some Texans fans on Reddit created this banner to hang at a game and I think its great. Just dont hang it from the crossbars.
6. Looks like maybe I was right about Spygate-gate. Turns out Americas favorite single-bullet theorist Arlen Spector was threatening witnesses with jailtime for refusing to hand over the evidents against the Patriots. Looks like Kim Davis isnt the only Patriot getting threatened with jail time folks. But in this case I would make the agrument that Glazer and the Pats should be up for the death penalty since this is technically treason.
Follow along- If you put the NFL out of business then the US arm forces would have more money because they wouldnt be sponsoring football, and then they'd use that money to build more weapons and then they'd have to get into a war so that they didnt run out of space to store all the old weapons and hell we gotta fire 'em at somebody, and then next thing you know we're running low on soldiers because no one wants to reenlist if all there going to be doing is fighting, and then theres no one to replace them because the NFL isnt on TV telling kids to sign up for our wars anymore. Treason.
7. This week in "I told you so":
So with 1:43 left on the clock, and the Giants on like the two yard line ready to score, and up by 3, I was the only one who had the balls to say that New York should of gone ahead and taken a negative 99-yard intentional safety. Instead they threw it out bounds and kicked a FG to make it a 6 point lead with a minute and a half left.
Had they taken the safety, say with Eli running straight backwards- the play alone bleeds 20 seconds off the clock, then maybe he takes a knee at his own one instead of scoring too quick on himself like a showoff. Then you get another 25 seconds from the playclock, then he takes the next snap into the end zone, runs to the corner and kneels it. Pretty soon your down to about 45 seconds, and a high safety punt drops another 10 seconds and the Cowboys have to go 60 yards in 30 seconds with no timeouts down by 1. The word "Genius" gets thrown around alot these days, btu that is without a doubt, more logical than what the Giants actually did with there last 1:43.
Told you so.
8. Russel Wilson has to start having sex again. If you dont use it you lose it. You need to sin it to win it.
9. Runner-up for showoff of the week is Marcus Mariota. Marioughta start learning how to win with class instead of showing up his draft teammate Jameis Winston. Now, given the track record of there students at the professonal level, I totally understand why they would never think to prepare you for NFL success coming out of Oregon but he better learn quick. Beating up on the Buccs is basically the NFL quivilant of child abuse, so when he gets thrown into GenPop, JJ Watts going to be lined up as a prison guard instead of a nose guard.
10. The building 7 non-contact injury of the week goes to Andre Ellington who may of tore a knee ligament in Sundays game verse the Saints, clearing way for CJ2YPC to take over the Cardinals "player who takes 9 steps in the backfield then falls down for 1 yard" runningback hybrid position. He crumpled to the ground and now the PCL Police are saying theres probably a tear. Now I dont know what kind of kinky stuff Bruce Arians has going on at practice but if your dealing with players getting tears in there posteriors it might be time to start incorporating a different type of tip drill.
11. Richie Incognitos name literally translates to "A blessing in disguise."
New Feature: How much money should Cam Newton have been paid this week?:
Paying a QB 80 millions dollars to beat the Jaguars ...
This weeks salary is: Veteran Minimum, plus incentives
Reader MailPail- Punish players for getting injured
Considering all the rules the NFL puts in place to try and prevent concussions, do you think the NFL should start fining players who get concussions because they're literally breaking the rules
Dans right. If your going out there and still sustaning head injuries, your actively underminding the NFLs safety first policies. The only problem I can see with fining players with concussions is that the lawyers would likely have a field day and overbill the players who brought lawsuits against the NFL because these greedy lawyers will take advantage of there clients short-term memory issues that they're probably faking anyways.
Seems like we had more concussons in the opening slate of games than at any other time in human history. Ironic because if your getting a concussion, then your actually the week one folks.