Chris Christie isn’t a Dallas Cowboys super fan. He’s an Eagles sleeper agent.

It's been rumored for years that the NFL is rigged, controlled by the owners and the commissioner to produce outcomes that lead to better ratings. The truth, however, is far more disturbing. Every week, the unseen cabal that controls global currency and communication puts into motion a stunningly elaborate plan to alter the outcome of one NFL game. This week, that game is Cowboys-Eagles. And there are three proven conspirators who will make sure the Cowboys do not win.

CONSPIRATOR ONE: The head referee for this week's Dallas-Philadelphia game is Tony Corrente, who's worked as an NFL official since 1995. Corrente was also the Coordinator of Football Officiating for the Pac-12 from June 2011 until October 2014. Is Corrente a competent and fair official? Perhaps. But he is also a P U P P E T  C O N T R O L L E D  B Y  U N S E E N  F O R C E S. Follow the trail  of evidence.

1. Corrente's initials, "TC," are also the country code for Turks & Caicos.

2. The Turks & Caicos coat of arms has three items on it: a conch shell, a lobster, and a cactus.

3. The psychoactive properties of the peyote cactus inspired author Ken Kesey to write "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest."

4. That novel ends with the death of the protagonist, Randle McMurphy.

5. The only Dallas running backs who have received a carry this season are Joseph Randle and Darren McFadden.

The connections are right there, if you're only willing to stop being a sheep and see them for yourself. But Corrente is not the only pawn in this twisted game of chess.

CONSPIRATOR TWO: As head coach of the Eagles, Chip Kelly probably seems like an obvious force working against the Cowboys - that's his whole job this week, after all. What you're ignoring is the how and why behind Chip Kelly. If he takes down Dallas, is he doing so on behalf of his team, or at the service of a S H A D O W  G O V E R N M E N T  T H A T  P U T S  M I C R O C H I P S  I N  A N I M A L S? These are the absolute, undeniable facts.

1. Kelly was born on November 25, 1963, the same day President John F. Kennedy's body was buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

2. At Kennedy's funeral, a Boston vocalist named Luigi Vena, who had also sung at the President's wedding, performed two songs.

3. Assigning each of the letters in Vena's name the number corresponding to its place in the alphabet gives you 12-21-9-7-9-22-5-14-1. Multiplying those numbers gives you 220,041,360.

4. That number is roughly equal to the U.S. population in 1977, the year in which Roy Sullivan was struck by lightning for the seventh time in his life. (He survived.)

5. Lightning is associated with the Greek god Zeus, who, according to mythology, punished Prometheus for the crime of bringing fire to man by sending a bird to devour his liver daily, and his liver would regrow itself during the night. That bird?

6. AN EAGLE. These people are so confident in their power that they barely try to hide anymore, certain that we'll be too lazy to uncover their plots. There's one final actor in this conspiracy against the Cowboys, a man connected at the highest levels of government who smiles at Jerry Jones even while he prepares to sink a knife into his back.

CONSPIRATOR THREE: New Jersey governor and former U.S. Attorney Chris Christie. Mass media has faithfully spread the version of Christie that the government wants you to believe, depicting him as a faithful Cowboys fan who D O E S N ' T  C A R E  F O R  T H E  G I A N T S. But the Giants have nothing to do with why Christie's ingratiated himself with Dallas, because he's secretly serving a different NFC East team altogether.

1. In this week's Republican presidential debate, the candidates were asked what Secret Service code name they'd choose for themselves. Chris Christie selected "True Heart."

2. This was actually a coded reference to William Trueheart, a U.S. diplomat best known for his time spent in Vietnam in the 1960s working under Ambassador Frederick Nolting.

3. "Frederick Nolting" is an anagram for "tickled inner frog."

4. A frog's heart has three chambers, consisting of one ventricle and two atria.

5. Atrium 2 is an office building in Cincinnati, located at 221 East 4th Street.

6. 221 East 4th. The Philadelphia Eagles are 22-14 in NFC East games since 2009.

Once you see all the pieces arranged, you wonder how you've ever believed anything but this obvious truth. How, then, will Tony Corrente, Chip Kelly, and Chris Christie bring down the Dallas Cowboys without alerting the public to this sinister government plot? Observe.

Using his position of public trust, Christie will smuggle a genetically altered eagle into the stadium, likely under the guise of the bird being a part of the national anthem. That bird will be given a dose of hallucinogen by Corrente, which will activate a chip placed in its brain by government scientists. The chip matches one placed in Chip Kelly's brain at his birth by the CIA, which has an encoded subliminal message that will be activated remotely. Kelly will then order the bird through their telepathic link to attack Dallas's running backs, blinding them and rendering them unable to play. During the confusion, Kelly will direct the bird to fly into the sky, where a government-created lightning bolt will destroy the bird and any evidence of this conspiracy.

Philadelphia 35, Dallas 20. D O  N O T  T R U S T  B R A D F O R D  E I T H E R.