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MMBM: What else are the Patriots hiding?

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What do the Patriots have to do with Afghanistan, Iraq, 9/11 and other incidents? This thing goes deep, folks.

Greg M. Cooper-USA TODAY Sports

PFT Commenter's strong takes are presented as SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

I get all the skeptcism that goes against the Commssioner and his handling of the intentional malicious deflation of footballs by the New England Patriots, I really do. And while this may not be popular to say, I think someone needs to get out there and defend Mr. Goodell against all the smears and phony accusations.

Brady wasnt punished for his rampant cheating, he was punished because he covered it up. The facts show that Brady intentionally destroyed evidence related to violations of competitive balance rules in order to throw off the investgation into any improprietary actions he may of committed. That is something that the NFL can not, must not, and will not ever tolerate. Can you imagine the outcry if it were ever unveiled that the NFL destroyed electronic devices in order to elimnate evidence that could ever be used against them in a investigation.

But I digress. I think if you look hard enough at the sinister history of the New England Patriots, you will find that this corruption and scandal runs as deep as you can possiblty imagine.

For example- on September 11th 2001, the vast majorty of New England Patriots did not report to work. This is a fact. Some reports put this number as high as 80% with the only exceptions being players who were seeking medical treatment. This is indisputable, yet underreported in the mainstream media. What did they know and why did they stay home that day? We can only speculate, but all signs point to the fact that they were complicit with the terrorist attacks that would be taking place that day.

And although their dubious absence from work may seem harmless considering Tuesday is generally a off-day for NFL teams, in retrospect knowing the Patriots reputation, it actually makes alot of sense. What better way for Belichick to proactivley distract the prying eyes of congress away from the cheating he was surely plotting on committing over the next seven years than to distract them with a war against Al-Qaeda and a eventual invasion of Iraq. Belicheat's fingerprints are all over Bin Ladens rise to power as well- Americas foreign policy in the 80s was basically to send Mo Lewis over to Afghanistan to deliver a body shot to the USSR, thinking that if they could knock the big immobile guy with a strong arm out, it would be easier to deal with there untested backup. Straight out of the Kraft/Belichick playbook. So then 9/11 happened and the Patriots won there first Superbowl with Belichick in the same season. Coincidence? All signs point to "no."

And if you want to look at the cover up lets take a look at who in our government was in charge of investigaing the Pats for Spygate-  Senator Arlen Spector. Turns out he came up empty handed in his "efforts" to find out all the bad stuff the Pats did which is the shocker of the century. Oh but wait, this is Arlen Spector we're talking about here. The same Arlen Spector who was a leading counsel in the Warren Commissons hearings on the assassination of John F Kennedy. The same Arlen Spector whose loony-tune "single bullet" theory that "proved" that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone and that there was no conspiracy to kill the President. Just the type of guy youd bring in to clear your organizaton of a massive conspiracy. Why am I the only one who is seeing this???

Just so we're all on the same page- the Patriots brought in the same guy to clear them of cheating that also argued that one bullet penetrated "15 layers of clothing, 7 layers of skin, and approximately 15 inches of tissue, struck a necktie knot, removed 4 inches of rib, and shattered a radius bone", and also found that the Patriots videotaping of one Jets practice aloud them to win 86 regular season games, 14 playoff contests, and 3 Superbowls.

Magic bullet indeed folks.

And now on to this week's awards

Road Grader of the Week: Roger Goodell

goodell uni

What we've learned about Commissioner Roger Goodell is that he love's the NFL and the shield so very deeply that he's willing to make himself look like a huge incomptent idiot just to protect it.

So yeah he got his butt kicked in court but the only thing technicaly he was wrong about was caring to much. Matter fact, he probably expected a signifcant reduction in the suspension for Brady but he probably didnt suspect this much. You see, anyone who hasever read a book written by Donald Trump would know about a thing called "anchoring". Its when your negotiating and you start out the proceedings by asking for something so huge and one sided that it frames the rest of the negotiations in your favor. Its like if you sit down to talk about the price for a car and you say, "Im willing to go as high as zero dollars," or you offer "I wont try to take over the world if you just let me and my men just have a cool summer hang in Sudentenland." Then the salesman or Neville Chamberlain knows hes going up against a shark and you might not end up getting the car for free, but your definitely not going to pay MSRP.

So Goodell knows that hes not going to get 4 games, but he might get 2 games- which he would of never gotten if he had originally asked for 2.

He's basically counting on appealing and appealing untill he finds someone who agrees, its the old theory of if you walk up to a hundred women and just straight up ask them to have sex, one of them has to say yes to you. The Bad guys have to get lucky every time but the league only needs to get lucky once.

SB Nation presents: Tom Brady wins court case, gets suspension nullified

Fan of the Week: The guy who wrote up a contract for people who want to watch a NFL game with him

Ken Grat is a diehard Seahawks fan. And he has some pretty cool rules you must follow if your going to catch the big game at his house/in the gym lockeroom with him:

Every fan should print out a copy of these rules and paste them on your door like Martin Luther. He left a couple out though:

1. Face paint is for the adults. Your kids can have some if theres enough left over but please ask first.

2. If your going to make buffalo chicken dip please use both ranch and bleu cheese in the sauce

3. Only one of us can wear a cape. Please coordinate outfits ahead of time.

Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter: The King weighs in

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

I got a chance to intervew Peter King while I was on Mike FLorios radio show. Id like to say that this is a sentence I never thought Id type but the truth is I typed it a long time ago because I knew it would happen eventually. Anyways, two days before I intervewed him, Peter took to Twitter to call the "is Joe Flacco Elite?" question "meaningless crap.' Much to his chagrin, his website was literally a couple hours away fom publishing a article called "Yes Joe Flacco is Elite." So I had to straighten him out.

So then when I got Peter pinned down on PFT Live, he gave me a great answer: "No hes not Elite, hes FRIGGIN Elite." There you have it.

The only thing Joe likes chewing through more then defenses with his rocket launcher arm is a pack of the bubble gum so Im gonna start calling this guy Bazooka Joe:

This week's rating is: FRIGGIN ELITE

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Its time for affirmative action for Christians.

When Chip Kelly traded Matt Barkley, it sure looked like a Good Friday. Christian Quaterback Tim Tebow had all but secured himself a roster spot and resurrected his career. But instead of rising from the dead, three days later Tims career was over.

You know me folks, I beleve life is a meritocracy. Starting from the time your just a little sperm in your dads penis, no one hands you anything. You have to get out there and earn it for yourself or else your going to have a very short life and get lost in your moms fallopian tubes.

There are no shortcuts when your a sperm. You just have to get downhill faster then anyone else, and while the other flashier flagellum are juking all around, all your concerned about is setting a edge on the ovum and getting penetration. Its the same thing in real life. A heartbeat is just a participation trophy for being the fastest sperm.

But sometimes the cards are just stacked so far against you in life that it becomes inpossible to get anything accomplished without a little hand up. Thats what its become for guys like Tim Tebow and myself in this PC secular progressive United State's of America these days. And theres only one way to rectify it and thats by enacting a Christ Clause where every NFL team is mandated to have at least one Christian Quaterback on there active roster at all times.

The Preident is black- people forget that. So now in the USA its become clear that the only really discriminated class of people are Christians. I mean when was the last time you heard about a Christian winning a nobel peace prize for science? Thats what I thought.

Now your football roll models are guys like Tom Brady who spends less time worshipping at the alter, and more time altering footballs. There use to be a day in America when a QB would thank there Lord in Savior Jesus Christ before thanking their corporate sponsors. But I guess there goes America for you these days I guess.

Historically in this country, Christians have been underrepresented at every level of leadership. Our countyr has been led by a black president for 4 times as long as its been led by a Catholic, so why dont we have affirmative action for them? The only President who was bold enough to believe in the holiness of Peter, Paul, and the rest of the old crew would literally be shaking his head if he knew that Tim Tebow couldnt even be a Saint.

2. Dennis Franchione just gets it. The Texas State Head Coach was looking for ways to remind his players that there being disrespected so he came up with this killer idea:

Franchione carries a poker chip inscribed with the words "Texas State football" and the Bobcats’ logo to remind him of last season. The Bobcats will have chips sewn into the shoulders of their uniforms to motivate them for this year.

"I think you always try to find ways to motivate and get a buy-in and get a commitment and join your team together in the union of closeness," Franchione said. "I thought that was the idea that would resonate with our guys."

The chip is there to remind the team of the work that still needs to be done to earn a bowl invitation this season.

Love this but why the need for both shoulders? If you have a chip on two shoulders you dont really have one. If you need some rinky-dink gimmick to get you psyched up about playing football in San Marcos Texas you dont really deserve to be on the team.

3. Two child-care providers in New Jersey were fired for having "Fight Club" style activities for kids ages 4-6.

Erica Kenny, 22, and Chanese White, 28, were criminally charged for allegedly staging tussles between kids ages 4 to 6 at Lightbridge Academy, in Cranford.

"Approximately a dozen boys and girls at the day care center can be seen in the video clips shoving each other to the ground and attempting to strike each other," prosecutors said.

The Aug. 13 footage includes group melees and one-on-one battles, just like grown-ups Brad Pitt and Edward Norton in the film about a secret boxing club — which apparently inspired the violence, prosecutors said.

The Wussification of America continues folks.  In the first place where were the parents? In the second place what were they parents doing having children in New Jesrsey in the first place? Thats borderline child abuse right there so now your charging them with double jeopardy.

Plus, they dont quote the kids in this story. Maybe they liked it, or at least the winners probably did. Just seems like we're not hearing all sides here. Back when I was a kid I used to beat up other kids all the time at day care and I turned out fine. Sad that we cant stage toddler-boxing matches anymore in this country without a federal agent popping there head out of a bush to make a headline-grabbing arrest.

4. A young Bears fan is undergoing treatment for a stage 3 brain tumor, and to inspire himself to beat the disease, he named his tumor "Aaron Rodgers." Gotta love this kids attitude but I mean if your going to name it after something you can beat as a Bears fan why not start with "ourselves" and then just work up from there.

5. Robert Griffin is trying to copyright bible verses now:

6. Runner up for Road Grader of the Week is Gorazd Lazorik.

Gorazd is a Wide Recever on the Slovakian national American Football team, but heres the thing- he lives in London England. Every weekend he litarealy travels 3340 kilometers which is like a million miles or something to go from the UK to Slovakia just for football practice.

This is what us coaches talk about when you hear us talk about commitment. Give me 53 Gorazd Lazoriks over any NFL roster and I guarentee you we can make some noise. If anything, Lazoriks demonstrating that the old "too much travel" excuse for not putting at least one NFL franchise in London Europe is null and void. Goodell spends so much time and worry thinking about playing a few games in England every year but hes to chicken shit to put a entire team there and make them fly back and forth for every home game. Dont tip your toe in the Atlantic Roger unless your going to swim. Need I remind you of another guy who didnt commit hard enough to a invasion of England back in the day? If you think playing in Lambeau in the wintertime is tough you should of seen Russia folks. Anyways I digress but a major tip of the hard hat to Gorazd for his continuing comittment to not making excuses for missing practice.

(H/T Aaron Eisenberg)

7. The Washington Redksins continue to make the news for the coolest stuff possible. Last week there GMs wife accused ESPN's Diana Marie Russell (sup Diana?) of trading oral sex with her hubsand in exchange for team information. Its incredibly irresponsible and offenseive for Mrs. McCloughan to even suggest this, as if a reporter would ever need to go past first base to be able to accurately predict that the Redksins were about to screw up a personell decision.

And how come when I break political news no one ever suggests that Im having a three-way with the Bush twins? Its increibly reverse-sexist against men like me who are out there grinding just in the hopes that one day I will be taken serously for the believablility that I could seduce a woman rather than my reporting skills.

8. Football is back.

9. Everyones talking about the QB situation in Cleveland, but Im more interested in the Browns backfield. They've got Isaiah Crowell whose primed for a 'break-out' year, no offense to Johnny Manziels forehead, and Duke Johnson- a guy whose name literally translates into "Asshole Dick." Could be fun to watch.

10. Tyrod Taylor is making his starting debut for the Buffalo Bills on Sunday where Rex Ryan will call 60 rushing/read-option plays and 2 pass attempts. Taylor will be doing it wearing a diamond in crusted mouthpiece. Talk about run the jewels folks.

11.

Translation- Unions: when you want to get away with cheating at you're job

This week's sign that we're living in the Golden Age of Takes: This rant has it all

(Via @Therealkfrees)