We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Now that the Patriots have stopped cheating, this is actually the first time that Brady and the Broncos have ever faced off in a real game.
Peyton Manning would of had a minimum of 6 Superbowl rings if he hadn't been unfairly beaten by Tom Brady and the Patriots and there illegal tricks over the years. Manning has been honest to a fault his entire career, caring just as much about minding his Ps and Qs as Xs and Os. But he had no idea he was playing aganst the most deceitful bunch of patriots outside of congress.
The Broncos have allways been the squeaky clean version of the Pats over the past 3 years and keeping there noses clean. Obvously there are the exceptions of Von Miller, Virgil Green, Wes Welker, John Boyette, Pat Bowlen, Jr., DJ Williams, and Ryan McBean, who to be fair those last two were only supsended for using non-human urine in a drug test which could just mean that they piss exellence. And unlike the Patriots they havent had anyone whose ever tried to kill another human being except for Aquib Talib. And Shane Ray hasnt been caught high on marijuana in well over 6 months unlike Chandler Jones.
Brady himself has been cheating for years by ommission. He's known for a long long time that eating tomatoes is a Performance Dehancing Drug and has kept silent. By allowing Manning to open up Papa Johns franchises left and right, Brady has been willfuly contributing to Mannings downfall. Let me put it to you this way- if Trump knew that Donald Sterling was buying up buidings that were half asbestos and the other hald lead paint, and kept his mouth shut it would be a natonal scandal. Even the FDA has laws in place to report harmful drugs like Fen Fen and thalydomide- so at this point if I'm Anthony Cromartie, I'm making sure Tom Brady dosent get within a metric mile of my water supply.
Unlike Manning, the Patriots were simply addicted to cheating. The Ted Wells report was 50 pages of McNally saying he was holding the balls for a freind, and the Pats saying that the guy listed in your phone as "My Dealer" is just one of your poker buddys. Goodells deflategate punishment of Brady and the Patriots may of seemed harsh, but it was only because the NFL was enabling them for so long and needed to lay down a bottom line to convince New England to admit they had a problem. This whole time, Peytons been the good son that hasnt done any thing wrong who is just plain sick of watching his self-destructive brother get his name in the papers. So even if Peyton slipped in a few years of HGH by continuously taking his wifes pills by mistake who can realy blame him for craving just a little bit of that bad-boy attenton? Yes indeed, we'll all remember this matchup as the year that the Patriots finally got clean.
The Brady* Manning bowl is back, except this time its finally going to be a matchup of two stars QBs instead of one star, and one asterisk.
Road Grader of the Week: Deone Buchannon
Folks I call him the BuCannon because this tackle is of a extremeley high caliber:
Even more impressive was the fact that he did this to John Kuhn, a prevous winner of RGOTW in his own right. In order to get lower pad level then Kuhn you typically have to be in a cemetary or a poor person on the Titanic but theres Deone, pretty much army crawling into big Johns prostate.
Once the Packers saw this hit they knew they didnt have a prayer of a chance and basically gave up. Its like if we launched all our nucular warheads at Russia and Putin knocked them down with his dick.
By the way, how much Ying Yang twins would you have to listen to in order to get lower then Kuhn? I dont know the answer and Im not willing to try to find out.
Fan of the Week: Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Why Dr. King would of supported Riley Cooper, my column":
Todays a great day in American history where we can look back on all the great chacnges we've made and all the battles we've won against discrimination. But sadly, there are still those out there among us who would disavow the teachings of Dr. King and allow racial intolerents to persist.
Of course, I'm speaking of those who still harbor resentment for Riley Cooper. Mr. Cooper is probably the most Martin-Luther-King-Jr- like of any NFL player, and its terribly sad to see people continue to harrass him just because of the type of words he naturally uses. I think we all could use a history lesson from Dr. King when it comes to understanding Coopers life, and how the only way to fight someone whose trying to fight you because of the color of your skin is to not fight them.
Riley didnt exactley have the easiest life leading up to his career either. Coming from a background where as a white wide recever he was technicaly a minority being pressured into following more traditional paths like becoming homecoming king or quaterback. A country kid from the Clearwater whose more used to wake 'n' lake then wake 'n' bake was cast as a fish out of water at a Universty so street even their coaches office was a urban environment.
Dr. King would of forgiven Cooper the instant he said "sorry I said those words." If you hold a grudge, the grudge actualy ends up holding you. In fact, Kings major problem with this whole ginned-up controversey would be the fact that the word is used as a exclusive tool to divide us instead of letting white people use it to demean minorties. Dr. Kings message, first and foremost, was "Racism is a WE problem" and before the healing can truly begin, I think both races need to acknowlege they had a part in Riley Coopers outburst.
King was locked up for his beliefs, and anyone who refuses to support Cooper for his redempton is figuratively spitting on "Notes from a Birmingham Jail." You know folks I know another guy that wrote alot of his ideas down while he was in prison, and the real danger comes when people misuse everything they were trying to say in order to support there own selfish causes. Can you imagine trying to explain to MLK that his principles of Civil Disobedence laid the foundation for Terrell Owens to do sit ups in his driveway, or for DeAngelo Williams to continue to honor his familys history of breast cancer? He probably would of rather just stayed home and watch cartoons.
How are the Patriots Cheating Now?
Chandler Jones had a little run-in with law enforcement earlier in the week & had a bad reaction to a evening of recreationaly smoking synthetic marjuana. Playing on fake grass might be something every Partiot should be use to by now after 9 home games, but Jones had such a hard time on K2 I thought John Krakauer was going to write a book about it folks. Its almost funny how much the Patriots seem to be cheating now, Foxboros got its own little sitcom only the Patriots are no ones FRIENDS and Chandler Bing is more like Chandler Bong.
For one, it appears that smoking fake weed is a very creatve way to cicurmvent the leagues substance of use policies, and it also points to a failure in Obamacare that the price of these generic versons of real drugs have fallen so low that people can afford to overdose on them. You ever hear of anyone ODing on Rhino Horn or Tibetan Mastiffs? No, because the market has natural consumer protectons in place in the form of price gouging.
Also the better the Patriots do, the less severe there deflategate penalty bcomes. Every position their draft slot falls is another twist of the knife for Goodell. Its like in 2003 and your mom punishes you by taking a way your Chumbawamba CD, oh no Mom you gona take my pogs too? Idiot.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Chip Kelly is going to do for Blaine Gabberts career what he did for Sam Bradfords. Kelly is a good fit for the 49ers, a team that was literaly named to honor what life was like in the mid-1800s, and they've preemptiveley limited the damage he can do in trades by already having all of their good players either retire or start to suck. Im just interested to see how Kelly take advantage of nearby Silicon Valley so he can access Apple musics database to track how much hip hop his players are listening to.
2. We may of seen the last of Marshawn Lynch in a Seahawk uniform. Looks like he'll be replaced by the human wedding hashtag Christine Michael who feels like a upgrade at this point. Just intresting to me that Lynch's career started to take a downturn as soon as he stopped talking to the press, and therefore stopped getting criticism of his play. How are you going to know what mistakes your making unless reporters can try to get you to admit them in press confrences?
3. Matt Delevedova was named "dirtiest NBA player" in a recent poll of players and coaches, and I completely agree and thank them for the compliment because "dirt" is literaly a synonym for "grit." For all you moneyball type guys I noticed something intresting about Delly's game last week. He dosen't make a whole lot of shots, but the ones that he misses are gernaly so wildly off target that there more likely than other peoples misses to result in unpredictble bounces which increase offensive rebounds. Basicaly his field goal attempts are like passes that reset the shot clock.
4. Speaking of Grit, the Seahawks were in the news last week because of there research into how to develop a culture that encourages grit. But theres a far cry between the grit that grows normally in nature & the stuff thats being mass produced in a lab. Real grit isnt earned, its a inate, genetic, qualty you see in kids born with enlarged hearts- a conditidon pass along genetically to them if there father is a coach.
Just been waiting to use the line "Coughlin pulls out 5 minute's early" in a sports artcle so here it is.
6. One concerned news viewer in Denver went on a effective crusade to disallow terrible towels inside Mile HGH Stadium for the game against Pittsburgh:
Frankly I would think Broncos fans would be more concern about there QB choking than a fan.
(image via Kyle Clark)
7. We had some fun with Andy Reeds clock management on Saturday, but when he wasted early timeouts it was actually a touching tribute to Marchabroda. Sacrificing a meaningless timeout is like in rap movies where they pour one out for there homies.
8. If they want to make sure the coin actualy flips at the start of overtime they should just have John Kerry toss it.
9. We are watching the position of the running back literaly evolve with Eddie Lacy. Just like humans 5,000,000 years ago were much smaller then they are today, the running back is undergoing a change. Just like the linemen of 50 years ago who use to be 200-250 lbs, Lacy is redefining the positon by adding on all that extra weight. It slows him down, but it also allows him to disguise himself amongst his blockers and force the defense to play a guessing game of whose got the ball and whose just got a spare tire. Just like in nature, Lacy has adapted the trait of camoflauge and become the first RB to put the meal in chamealeon.
10. I feel like we dont talk enough about the fact that Gary Kubiak had a stroke two years ago during a game. I mean thats serous stuff and the fact that he has continued coaching is really really cool and dangerous. Medically speaking its extremely heads-up of him to transfer to Denver so his blood will be thinner its like nature pumping aspirin into your jugular 24/7. However I can see his medcal history working aganst him this week- If you work so hard you give yourself a aneurysm thats additional just bulletin board material for Bellichick to push himself to the limit when it comes to preperation. "Oh you had a stroke? Thats cute I spent so much time watching film I got bedsores. I punched the clock so hard it hit me back and gave me a black eye. I drove my player's so insane I made one try to escape in the middle of the nigth to the cops and turned another into a serial killer. But go ahead and tell me about your little blood clot."
11. The Seahawks showed a tremendous amount of effort in battling back to lose by less then what it looked like they were going to lose by, but boy this sure makes me second-guess the Panthers. Carolina has a history of jumping out to early leads and then letting there opponents come back. Its in their DNA going back to fort sumter. 31-0 is the most dangerous lead in sports and if you dont beleve me you can ask the Universty of Oregon all about it.
69 of the week: suddle, but sometimes less is more
(h/t reader Devin)
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Slowly but surely, our nations newspapers are being taken over by comment sectons. Nowhere has this been more prominent then the "Letters to the editor" section of the Charlotte Observer, which has recently featured such blistering submissions as "Dear Cam Newton, where do you get the god damn nerve as a entertainer to shake your hips like that on national television? Sincerely, Someone who lives 100 miles from Memphis", and "Why isnt Cam Newton married if he has a child I've never seen anything like it in my life." Folks the last time anyone wrote this much horseshit about a bastard out of Carolina, I was failing English composition at my communty college.
But The Observer has disrupted the newspaper industry, and become the first to monetize the comment secton by simply turning it into its own actual section of the paper. Only instead of calling them comments, they call them "letters" which, technically is accurate since even though the words themselves may not make sense, they are comprised of vowels and constinents. I dont want to get left in the dust on this emerging trend in digital media so from now on, my Cam Newton takes will be submited via the Charlotte Observers website.
So how much should of Cam made this week? Since the flag touched the ground now Seattle fans are forced to destroy it by having Steve Ballmer hold on to it for 5 years. So Cam owes restution and shoud also go to prison for this pattern of behavior.
This weeks rating: Refund the fans
Reader MailPail: Lets solve a true-crime mystery
Crime dramas are all the rage folks. You've got Serial, Making a Murderer, and Vontaze Burfict highlights capturing the nations attenton from coast to coast. Well throw another log on that fire, because Im unveiling a new section of the MMBM dedicating to tracking down one of our nations most elusive and resourceful characters. Its called...
(Camen Sandiego music plays)
Where in the World is Coach Jim Tomasula?
This week I receved a tip from reader Brian that there friends car was broken into in Seattle, and like a police station without any urinals- the Cops had nothing to go on. But I have a keen eye for detail, and as someone whose commited numerous crimes, I know how to spot sloppiness in a crimnal. I examined the forensic evidence to see if perhaps the perpetrator left behind any clues to his identity in the car, and folks, this one has the old SF Coaches fingerprints all over it. Couldnt be a more classic case of Tomasula if all the wheels fell off and the radiator retired.
This week: He's in Seattle