We're required to remind you that this is satire and that all spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
I like Cam Newton.
It took me awhile to warm up to his antics, but now it looks like I'm the only White NFL fan with the courage to say it: I like Cam Newton. Besides me, everything I hear out there is about how Cam's to flashy, or he dances too much, or how he's technically racist for not publically expressing support for forgiving Riley Cooper. It's all a bunch of racist code that people use before realizing like me, that actually theres not a race-issue surrounding the Panthers QB at all. As a white man , now that I finally have the courage to say that Cam Newton is good, I also am free to unload a enormous amount of criticism about the way he presents himself in public as it relates to his race.
The time has come to ask- Is Cam Newton Black enough?
We went through this with Robert Griffin three years ago. Then last year it happened to Russ Wilson. The media is technicaly being racist by not bringing it up yet about Cam. In fact you could make the agrument that racism against Newton has jumped the shark- Its a media fabrication like the heroin epidemic, when actually I've never used it so please stop telling me about how "bad" it allegdly is.
Cam has become so likable that he's becoming the real racist. For example- Cam is endorses by Oikos. By associating himself with greek yogurt , Cam is inviting himself into kitchens and living rooms of white people and in doing so is making himself racist against black people by association. You could make the agrument that pretending to love yogurt is literaly "cultural appropriation." You know,I seem to recall another time in world history when we stood down and aloud a man to take over Greek cultures without intervening, and if we keep appeasing him Cams going to be starring in American History X2 and doing radio commercals for sunscreen by spring break.
I like Cam, but he is probably the most racist person out there when it comes to evaluating himself. Did you hear his last several press confrences where he keeps talking about how people are slow to warm up to Black QBs?
"I'm an African-American Quarterback that might scare a lot of people."
Maybe Cams still living in a pre-Superbowl-week world, but his ignorance when it comes to speaking about how not unracist society is is a direct attack on me- someone who'se not racist at all any more ever since it became socially unacceptable to be racist online. I like the guy, but its just pure antquated way of thinking that doesnt exist any more in society- case in point- I like Cam now.
Then he hauls off and starts talking about collard greens in the same breath? This is 2015. If I had said that about Cam Newton I would be unfairly criticized, but Cam dosent get unfairly criticized just because he's not me; and the Whitest thing of alltime is to benefit from a double-standard. And not once has the guy come out and thanked all the good white folks who have stuck there necks out by not being as racist against him as maybe they'd like to be. There was a time when a caucasian people would get thrown in jail for supporting Cam like they way I'm doing today. Not that I'm a hero per se, but a thank you every now and again woudnt be the worst thing in the world.
Call me a flip-flopper, call me this that and the third just because I may of written a couple columns either advocating for his arrest, or telling him to pull his pants up or questoning where the father is in his young sons life. I held Cam to the same high standards that I would expect him to hold me to if I was black. I was hard on him because I'm hard on every QB that I dont like, regardless of there race. Fact is, I'm one of the most enlightened White people out there. Examples: I have never personally owned a slave, and I have never said the bad version of the n-word to a african american superior at my current workplace. I get it. Heck, I was in a ska band in middle school and we did a cover of "Changes" by Bruce Hornsby.
But not all journalists are as couragous and open-minded as I am when it comes to addressing hard truths. God didnt give me the abilty to run a 4.3 40-yard dash. He didnt give me the abilty to work hard enough to be able to bench press 400 pounds. He didnt give me a cannon for a arm and a C-Class Model rocket-engine for a dick. Instead of blessing me with the gifts of athleticism and leadership, the Good Lord gave me a pair of balls to say what I really think, and the fingers to translate my nuts onto a American english keyboard until you agree with me. And if you cant handle it- theirs the door.