We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Look. This column is going to be a big-boy conversaton about grown-up topics. If you want a puff-piece go read about LeGarrette Blounts off-the-field escapades because thats not what we're going to discuss here. Theres a little thing called the "back" button on your computer and I would suggest clicking it right now if you cant handle some real world, honest-to-christ, rocket fuel and a flame thrower-take type shit.
Look. Your simply not going to find a bigger Kirk Cousins guy than me. I correctley predicted that he was good even when he sucked. I advocated that Washington bench RG3 back in October of 2012. I’ve called him KC Masterpiece, Captain Kirk,and the Graveyard Shift because hes so working class that even his number went from 12 to 8. I bought the man a god damn lunch pail of his weding gift registry. But now I have some serous serous questions about the mans integrity. It all stems from yesterdays Washington Post article highlighting how he and his lovely wife Julie have taken in homeless dogs for the last several years, acting as a foster family until the lovable pooches can find forever homes.
Best case scenario, the fact that Cousins has been fostering so many dogs shows a real lack of commitment. If you have six pets you dont have one. Same type of wishy washy commitment everyone has dragged Dan Snyder through the fire for over the past only 18 years. Mans best friends suppose to be your teammates, not some fleabag mongrel interloper. Folks if I wanted a homeless runaway to stay in my house, eat all my food, and pee on my carpet I would of invited Jim Tomsula over for supper.
What is fostering anyways? How could any one think its is a good idea. Thought experment: what if you told your significant other hey Im just going to foster all these hot girlfreinds and give them the love, emotional & physical support they need until they can find a forever spouse? Bet thatd be a pretty short conversation. Operating a puppylove whorehouse for dogs out of your marital home's unfinished basement is the exact same thing.
But to me, all the evidence points to the much more sinister notion that Kirk Cousins is running a underground dogfighting operation.
FACT 1: Kirk Cousin plays Quaterback on a team with DeAngelo Hall, just like Michael Vick did. Twice.
FACT 2: Kirk Cousin has a unusually large number of dogs making there way into his Virginia house, never to be seen from again. Just like Michael Vick did
FACT 3: Kirk has multiple Cousins running around his property doing God knows what at all hours, just like Vick did.
This image clearley shows Cousins with his "foster" dog being threaten with a hose, presumably to be used for drowning it if it dosent perform:
Now Im not saying the cement foundation of Captain Kirks Canine Carnage Condo is comprised of 50% mutt cadavers just yet, but the media should at least queston his motives before he gets too brazen and turns West Ashburn into a pet cementary. Given Washingtons lack of success recently it is extremely out of character for hem to be playing a game in January- points to the fact that he's gotten sloppy and is going out of his way to establish a alibi for Sunday.
This is 1000% how the MLB steroid scandal of 1998 went down. You have a clean cut, wholesome, articulate, bring-home-to-mom-and-your great-great-grandfather type of guy putting up amazing numbers and generating all the wonderfull storilines for the local paper. The media (myself included) falls for your squeaky clean image hook, line in sinker but wont even think to dig into the facts or implicatons surrounding the story.
Heres Cousins, showing off his opponets dogs dead body like a trophy after a particularly brutal fight :
Tell you what Kirk, I'll play your little game. Lets just say that you ARE trying to help the homeless animals out of kindness of your heart since your fotunate enough to be financially comforbatle. He's turning these dogs into welfare pups who are going to turn up there nose if they get adopted by a family that makes them earn their supper. If they have the time do get there picture taken for a adoption website they have the time to go out there and find a house on there own. Its called the working group not the mooching group, last I checked.
In conclusion, while YOU might see nothing more then a blond-hair, blue-eyed young man trying to help provide a temprorary home to the less fortunate, I know enough about football to never trust a offense in the playoffs if there being led by an Arian Foster.