First order of business, I would like to thank you for checking out the first installment of Jonez on Jonez. You could be wasting time at your job on any site on the internet right now, but you chose to squander your employer’s money by reading something I wrote, and I sincerely appreciate that.
Just to give you the rundown here, this will be a weekly column where I expound on my NFL Sunday tweets. My good buds Spencer and Ryan at SB Nation thought it would be a good idea to give me this forum, so I plan on milking this for as long as I can before they realize how royally they fucked up.
As for myself, contrary to what my Twitter would lead you to believe, I am not a sentient bottle of cognac nor am I Beyonce’s uncle. Sorry to disappoint. I’m just a regular shmegular guy from Virginia who is the fan of a handful of shitty teams. Nothing to see here.
Second order of business. I unfortunately am a Washington Redacteds fan so you can expect a lot of NFC East talk here. I hate the Giants, Eagles, and Cowboys with the fury of a thousand suns and will make no attempt to mask my disdain for them. If you want unbiased, leveled journalism take your Earl Grey tea drinking ass to NPR.
I hate my own team and my own team’s fan base, so I definitely hate your team and your team’s fan base, too. I will rejoice in the Giants’, Eagles’, and Cowboys’ misfortune every chance I get because it’s the only thing that makes me feel alive as a Redacteds fan. You won’t fucking take that from me. I am dead on the inside. It’s all I have.
So, with that said, how the FUCK is the NFC East so good this season? This IS your father’s NFC East.
Soooo when does the whole NFC East spiral downwards and get back on the path to a 9-7 champ?— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
The NFC East is a combined 15-8 and an impressive 11-4 in non-division games. There’s no way this trend continues. All of this has to come crashing down soon. We have seen a lot of crazy shit in 2016, but there’s no way we’re living in a world where 12-4 will win the NFC East. That’s just lunacy.
All of this joy will turn into ashes in the mouths of mumbo sauce, cheesesteak, brisket or pizza eaters very, very soon.
However, the Eagles can crash and burn with the best of them, and it looks like they’ve gotten a head start on everybody in the division after dropping two straight. They have lost to THIS fucking guy in their last three meetings with Washington.
Kirk makes some drives look soooooo easy then other times he'll underthrow a dude 3 yds out on 3rd and 2.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
Cousins is perhaps the most inconsistent quarterback I’ve ever seen. I’m not talking about from game to game or season to season. I’m talking about from drive to drive. This dude will give you Sage Rosenfels one drive and then Tom Brady the next.
Mercurial is probably the best word to describe Kirk if you’re comfortable with looking like a dick who uses words like mercurial. And the Eagles let this mercurial motherfucker put the game on rookie (7:1 TD:INT ratio in their last three matchups) and break his Uggs off in their ass whenever they meet.
The Eagles will never be worth any semblance of a fuck. This thought makes me hug my pillow tight while smiling ear to ear before I go to sleep every night.
Even though Washington thoroughly dominated Philly (263 passing yards and 230 rushing yards to Philly’s 239 yards of total offense) that game still came down to the wire because the Redacteds will give you multiple chances to beat them and only dumbass teams don’t take the money and run.
Sports are fucking stupid.
You think sports are trash when your team is stressing you then they win&you dont think sports are trash but you still know sports are trash— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
My dear friend, and perhaps the greatest philosopher of the modern era, LaJethro Jenkins said it best: “You’re not even really happy when your team wins. You’re just happy that you’re not sad.”
We’re obsessed with a group of people who don’t even know we exist all because of how good they are at doing stuff with a leather pouch of air. It’s completely irrational and idiotic.
And I couldn’t imagine my life any differently.
I pity people who aren’t sports fans. They have no idea about all the fun they’re missing out on that us morons are having while we watch grown ass men in helmets run full speed at each other and butt heads until someone falls.
Speaking of morons, let’s talk about the Cowboys. The young man Dak is on FIRE and Jerry wants to fuck this all up because Jerry isn’t happy unless he’s fucking up a good thing.
There’s been reports of locker room grumblings from players who don’t want Dak benched. But with Witten having a crucial drop and then half-assing a route for Dak’s first career pick, I think we know where Jason stands.
"He aint MY quarterback"- Witten says as he drops the pass from Dak.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
So nowwwww Jason "Make Romo Great Again" Written has hands huh?— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
Hey, you know that healthy 23-year-old who’s built like an ox and makes the best decisions of any rookie QB in NFL history? Let’s bench him for that 36-year-old dude who is built like a DirecTV repairman, has had 56 back surgeries in the last 18 months, and still makes “Dude. What the FUCK where you thinking?” throws.
"I'm gonna ruin EVERY muthafuckin thing." pic.twitter.com/vLx64nUOWq— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
The bottom of your big toe after you get out the pool pic.twitter.com/vEU9Anse9p— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) April 10, 2014
While Dak’s stock has been skyrocketing, that other guy who was under center in that Dallas-Green Bay game ………………………………………………….
Case Keenum went 27/32, 327 yds, 3 TDs while Aaron Rodgers........................— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
Aaron Rodgers had his FIRST second-half TD of the season and fell to 1-30 all-time when being down by two or more scores in the second half.
I don’t even know who this guy is anymore. He’s a Chad Pennington-faced motherfucker.
But hey. It is what it is.
Well if a Wisconsin team wears Michigan unis they deserve to get their ass whupped anyway so whatevs.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
Odell Beckham Jr., on the other hand, broke out of his slump. 222 yards. 66-yard game-winning TD.
Danceypants showed the fuck out.
Has Danceypants for the Giants danced today? I'm seriously invested in this. I want him to find his happy place and live in his purpose.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
Happy for you, Danceypants. I hope the net said yes.
Unfortunately, we had a sad ending in Buffalo. This is almost as sad as the fact that people actually live in Buffalo. Who am I fucking kidding? This is nowhere near as sad as the fact that people live in Buffalo.
Kap lost so I know dog avi twitter is throwing a party and eating Walmart potato salad.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
And next up on the “shitty places to live” list, we’ve got Nashville and Cleveland.
It's irresponsible, inconsiderate and reckless to schedule a Browns-Titans game. Someone should be fired for this.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
Saw a Browns DB wait for a Titans WR to stand up after a completion so he could push him in the end zone for a TD. Im writing my congressman— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
Unfortunately, NFL Sunday ends on a sour note far too many times due to missed calls like the blown pass interference with the game on the line in the Falcons-Seahawks game.
And yes, that was the last game of NFL Sunday because you have to fucking hate yourself to watch a Texans-Colts game.
Seriously. Make everything reviewable. These "only can review plays on the fortnight from a crescent moon" stipulations suck. Get shit right— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) October 16, 2016
Well internet friends, this was fun. We’ll do this again next week. Until then, please take care of yourselves and don’t watch AFC South games.