Jonez on Jonez: Stop trying to export the NFL

I’ve found that a pretty good rule of thumb is if you have to set your alarm to wake up for something, then what you’re waking up for probably isn’t going to be fun. I have never in my life done anything even remotely fun that involved leaving my bed before 1 p.m.

Well, I set my alarm on Sunday for 9:15 a.m. ET to watch Washington vs. Cincinnati and this game definitely proved that theory to be true. I wasn’t the least bit shocked, however. This was to be expected. If there ever were two franchises that could fly across the globe to play each other and neither one of them would win, it would definitely be the Bengals and the Redacteds. This was the best England game in a very long time—and it still ended in a tie because the bar we set for the quality of those games across the pond is extremely low.

Nobody won. And that seems to be the recurring theme of this NFL season: nobody wins.

This Cincinnati-Washington tie in England capped off a seven-day run for the NFL where their “marquee” matchups consisted of a 6-6 Cardinals-Seahawks tie on Sunday Night Football, Osweiler vs. Siemian on Monday Night Football, and the Jaguars vs. the Titans on Thursday Night Football. The NFL then exported two of the most inept franchises in NFL history to England to serve as global ambassadors for their product and demanded that we wake up at 9:30 a.m. to watch neither team try to win.

And the saddest part is a lot of us did. This was a pretty good game for the most part until it was time to win and Cincinnati and Washington both remembered they were Cincinnati and Washington.

The Redacteds took 12 minutes off the clock in overtime only to blow a 34-yard field goal. Dalton then fumbled the ball back to Washington to give them another chance to blow the game, and on Washington’s very first play they did just that as Pierre Garcon got an offensive pass interference that Washington was unable to bounce back from.

Nobody. Wanted. To. Win. This. Game.

This was a real conversation that I had to have in real life with a loved one because nothing about Washington and Cincinnati playing in England at 9:30 a.m. makes any fucking sense.

Seriously though, why is the NFL having these games in England?

I understand that the NFL is trying to expand their brand internationally but why? The NFL wants to have an NFL team in London by 2021 and I don’t understand the reasoning behind this one bit.

The two most distinctly American things are football and Americans being self-absorbed assholes who don’t give a shit about what the rest of the world thinks about us. The NFL aggressively pandering to England goes against both.

Also, America and England both need to stop this frenemy charade that they’ve been perpetuating for the last two centuries. America doesn’t give a shit about England and England doesn’t give a shit about America.

We make fun of their fucked up teeth and how proper they are and Brits make fun of our ... shit I don’t know. Like I previously mentioned, I’m a self-absorbed American. All I really know is we don’t really fucking like each other. England doesn’t try to force tea time and leprechaun shoes on us so we shouldn’t try to force the NFL on them.

What’s perhaps the most perplexing aspect of the NFL’s attempt to branch out internationally is that it already happened. And it failed miserably. The NFL has an incredible knack for acting like not acknowledging something magically means it never happened. That’s not how this works. Domestic violence incidents, CTE, Joey Harrington’s career, and the NFL Europe are all very real, fucked up things that have happened regardless of how fervently the NFL attempts to deny them.

There absolutely was a European NFL league and it consisted of teams that only drew 47 fans a game with silly names like the Hamburg Sea Devils, Cologne Centurions, Glasgow Frilly Collared Ass Eaters, and the Edinburgh Scottish Claymores (I only made one of these names up).

Another factor that the NFL glaringly overlooks here is the importance of multinational representation on team rosters in order for a sports league to have international appeal. Leagues like MLB and the NBA have international support because entire nations rally behind their native sons who play in these leagues. That’s not the case with the NFL. Of the 1,484 NFL players, only 50 of them are foreign born. A large number of these foreign-born players are from Canada (America Jr.), so that doesn’t even really count because nothing Canada does really counts anyway.

In order to play in the NFL you have to be a rather large human and no nation on the planet has more fat dudes than America. Studies have shown that American Samoa is the most obese place in the world. Samoa also has the most NFL players per capita of anywhere in the world. There’s a clear correlation here. Think about countries like France that consist of a bunch of 160-pound, beret-wearing, Snidley Whiplash mustache-having motherfuckers.

The NFL attempting to branch out internationally is a futile effort. However, nothing is more American than excess and foolhardy imperialism fueled by greed.

Enough about examining the intricacies of the global perception of the NFL. Let’s get into the most important NFL story of Week 8 and perhaps the most important NFL story of our lifetimes.

Somebody threw a dick on the field in Buffalo

This is the most fascinating story in the history of the NFL. We need an expansive documentary on this that covers in great detail the formulation of this idea, the execution of this plan, and a re-enactment of the toss onto the field where this dildo flops through the air in slow motion while the Chariots of Fire theme plays.

That wasn’t just a dildo being tossed onto an NFL field. That was the embodiment of the hopes and aspirations of a fan base that eats ass on camera and RKOs each other through flaming tables at tailgates. And it manifested itself in the form of a rubber dick.

Raiders 30, Bucs 24

Speaking of dicks on NFL fields, Derek Carr let his nuts hang in Tampa with the greatest performance of the NFL season thus far.

Carr also threw the game-winning 40-yard TD in overtime on fourth down. Amari Cooper ended the game with 173 yards and a TD. I think Carr and Cooper will one day be the best quarterback-wide receiver duo in the league. That day might come sooner than later.

Broncos 27, Chargers 19

Meanwhile on the other side of the AFC West. Good grief, Philip Rivers.

Patriots 41, Bills 25

Some guys, however, have all the luck.

Brady has been absolutely remarkable in these four games he’s played this season. He’s averaging 330 yards a game and has thrown 12 touchdowns and zero interceptions. Some prefer to evaluate players by their peak, others by longevity. He’s a QB who had a 50-TD season and has a 13-year span between his first and most recent Super Bowl victories. He’s checking off all the boxes for whatever criteria anyone has. Another MVP and/or ring makes his case for the GOAT inarguable to me and he might get both this season.

A lot of these DBs make business decisions when it comes to tackling Gronk and I can’t say I blame them. Look at how 5’8, 165-pound Nickell Robey-Coleman pulled up off Gronk and let him score his franchise record 69th (nice) touchdown. Robey-Coleman’s family was in the stands. He didn’t want them to see him hop on Gronk’s back and be a grown-ass man catching a piggyback ride in to the end zone. He’s a grown man with pride and I respect that.

Dance, Bobby Flay, dance

Well that’s all I’ve got this week. I’ll be back next week to fuck y’all up with my two step like my man Bobby Flay right here.

As always, take care of yourself and don’t watch AFC South games.