I want you to read this paragraph in the voice of the 30 for 30 narrator. You know: that guy who sounds like Michael Smith but isn’t Michael Smith and makes you think “What the hell? That isn’t Michael Smith? Are you sure? What are the odds of two dudes working at the same network and sounding exactly the same? You’re sure that’s not Michael Smith? I’m pretty sure that’s Michael Smith.”
Yeah, that guy. Ready? Ok. Here we go.
What if I told you (here’s where you use the voice) that there are two types of employees in the world? What if I told you that in the working world, you’re either Jay Cutler or Tony Romo? What if I told you that if you’re reading this at your job then you’re probably Jay Cutler? SB Nation presents: We Are All Jay Cutler, coming later in this column.
You can still read the rest of this column in that voice if you choose to. Your call.
On to Week 11.
Dolphins 14, Rams 10
Let’s get the shit no one cares about out of the way first.
Dolphins have won 5 straight and no one gives a shit.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) November 21, 2016
No one gives a damn about the Dolphins. Ryan Tannehill is on pace for his third consecutive 4,000-yard season and I don’t even think Ryan Tannehill cares. Jay Ajayi is only the fourth player in NFL history to rush for 200 or more yards in back-to-back games (joining OJ Simpson, Earl Campbell, and Ricky Williams) and I had no idea he even existed until like three weeks ago.
I would see Jay Ajayi’s name on Twitter and would think people were talking about that sport where people dress like beekeepers and throw balls at a wall with those big-ass ice cream scoops.
The only thing that makes the Dolphins even remotely interesting is when Suh decides to live out his true passion which is river dancing on opposing players’ dicks (he’s the Lord of the Dickdance) and he’s been on his best behavior ever since he went Cobra Kai on Roethlisberger in Week 6.
The most interesting thing to happen to the Dolphins in years is when Ryan Tannehill’s wife, Lauren—a devout Christian from Texas—was riding around in a rental car with an AR-15. That’s a Coen brothers movie waiting to happen and this might be your first time reading about it. Nobody gives a shit about the Dolphins.
Lions 26, Jaguars 19
While the Dolphins are trending upward, another Florida NFL team broke a young man on Sunday.
Jalen Ramsey cried on the sideline. Someone please tell that young man to not be too down on himself. It's not his fault that he's a Jaguar.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) November 20, 2016
I’m not here to tear Jalen down for crying. I’m not some uber-macho asshole who thinks a man showing emotion is a sign of weakness. If anyone deserves to let out some tears of frustration, it’s a phenomenal rookie who has been playing beyond his years and leaving it all on the field just for his team to be 2-8. Jalen Ramsey has already lost twice as many games in his three months as a Jaguar than he lost in his three years as a Seminole. And this most recent loss came at the hands of the fucking Lions. That would break anybody.
Redacteds 42, Packers 24
Losing to the Lions always sucks because they’re the Lions. However, after the drumming the Redacteds gave the Packers, it looks like the NFC North is Detroit’s for the taking.
Bruh. Gruden really said "Fuck playing keep away from Rodgers. Let that shit fly, Kirk" and then hung 42 on the board. Unbelievable.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) November 21, 2016
Kirk Cousins was absolutely phenomenal vs the Packers. Yes, the Packers have a bunch of sandwich artists in their secondary due to injuries but 375 yards and three TDs (one that went for 70 yards, another that went for 46) is impressive no matter how you cut it. This is the NFL. Injuries happen. Nobody cares about your excuses. Put that 12 inch chicken teriyaki on Italian Herbs and Cheese down and get your head in the game and make a play.
Also, can we make pummeldromes a thing? I want to make pummeldromes a thing.
Washington won 24-42. That's what I call a pummeldrome. It's when you whup a team's ass so bad that the score is a palindrome.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) November 21, 2016
The Packers are pretty much done. A record of 4-6 isn’t a death sentence but giving up 47 and 42 points in back to back losses versus Tennessee and Washington does not inspire any faith in that team at all.
So here we are. Aaron Rodgers couldn’t outplay Kirk Cousins so now the NFC North is a two-team race between Detroit and Sam Bradford’s team. That’s a real thing that I just typed on the same day I watched a wide receiver throw a touchdown to a quarterback in a CBS matchup that featured two NFC teams. I don’t understand anything about 2016.
Giants 22, Bears 16
However, in a world of constant change, it’s comforting to know that we can always count on Jay Cutler never giving a shit about anything.
Cutler's life motto is "I just do enough to not get fired" and I think he's reached that point for this game. Congrats to NYG on the win.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) November 20, 2016
Doing just enough to not get fired is the credo of a lot of people in the working world and Cutler is the embodiment of that. He’s the best quarterback in Bears history and he probably can’t even name any other Bears quarterbacks. I doubt he even know the names of most of his teammates. He probably just calls them “boss man” or “hoss.”
A lot of exemplary employees are driven to perform at a high level due to the fear of possibly losing their job. On the other hand, plenty employees who know they have job security spend their time at their jobs disappointing their friends and family on Facebook and ordering bubble vests online. Cutler is not in danger of losing his job so he can’t even muster the energy to even feign like he even cares. It’s admirable, honestly.
I had a boss who had a couch in his office that he would take naps on. He would take these naps in the middle of the work day, sometimes with a newspaper draped over his face that he dozed off reading. It was like working for a narcoleptic J. Jonah Jameson. Know why my boss took those naps? Because he fucking could. That’s why.
Know why Jay Cutler doesn’t give a shit? Because he doesn’t have to. That’s why.
Week 11’s Bears-Giants game ended with Cutler throwing a late fourth quarter pick in double coverage on second-and-29 while Chicago was down six points. That’s the NFL equivalent of looking at all the work piled up on your desk and muttering “Fuck this. I’m going to get some curly fries” then leaving your job 15 minutes early.
Jay Cutler is definitely one of those sociopaths who drinks milk with a steak dinner but he approaches his job like a man of the people. He’s one of us. Minus $115 million or so.
However, no matter how many parallels us working stiffs would like to draw between ourselves and athletes, the fact remains that we inhabit two different realities.
For instance, imagine your coworker’s computer crashes. Let’s say this coworker, we’ll just call him Tony Romo, did your company’s expense reports so your boss assigns them to you until Tony’s computer is up and running again. You do such a great job that your boss decides to keep you on expense report duty and strips Tony of that responsibility.
In your office’s next meeting, Tony calmly states, with no malicious intent, that he believes the company can be more successful with him doing the expense reports because he’s better at them than you. In the 9 to 5 world, that’s an asshole move. In the sports world, that’s commendable. It’s viewed as the mark of a competitor.
None of us would want to work with a Tony Romo, but we all would want our team’s quarterback to approach the game the way he does. None of us want Jay Cutler as our team’s quarterback, but plenty of us approach our job the way he approaches his.
Now what if I told you (here’s where you use the 30 for 30 narrator’s voice again) that you would probably enjoy a tall, cold glass of milk with a nice cut of ribeye too?
Until next week, internet friends.