It's Eli's 13th season and I'm still thoroughly disgusted by teams that let him spaz on them.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) November 6, 2016
The Giants and Eagles kicked Week 9 Sunday off with an extremely NFC East-y game full of turnovers and unsafe leads. The game came down to a last minute heave to the end zone on 4th down which is about the most exciting way a game could end but Eli and Wentz still combined for four interceptions because even when NFC East games are good, they’re still pretty shitty.
JPP had a chance to put the game away late in the 4th quarter with a pick but he dropped it because he has a hand like the butler from Scary Movie 2 now. Don’t ever play with matches.
Also, Eli threw what could have been one of his patented game-losing picks but Carson Wentz absolutely refused to let the Giants lose on his watch. We’re 13 years in on the Eli Manning experience and I still don’t get this guy. The best parallel I can think of for Eli is Frank the Tank. Sometimes he’s running around in his underwear talking to himself and playing catch with his opponent’s DBs. Other times he blacks out at a debate and when he wakes up he’s hoisting two Lombardis.
The “Eli face” (we all know this face he makes — it’s the face you make when you get home and realize Wendy’s got your order wrong) is the perfect representation of how a lot of us feel when we remember, “Holy shit this booger-eater outsmarted the greatest coach in NFL history. In the Super Bowl. TWICE.” There’s no doubt in my mind Eli farts in his hand and then holds it and throws it in people’s faces. And this guy will be in Canton one day. With a bust in all its “Eli face” glory. What a world we live in.
While the Eagles have lost four of their last five in their descent in to the NFC East’s cellar, the Cowboys continue to comfortably remain atop the division at 7-1. They beat the shit out of the Browns which is to be expected, however, it might be time for the 2008 Lions to start worrying. The Browns are coming for them……or not going anywhere for them. However that works.
The yearly tradition of the 08 Lions popping bottles of Colt 45 when the last winless team gets a W is in serious jeopardy w/this CLE team— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) November 6, 2016
Meanwhile, things are looking good for this season’s Lions. So nothing can possibly go wrong there, right? The Lions pulled off an overtime win in Minnesota capped off by one of the most disrespectful game-winning touchdowns we’ve ever seen.
Still laughing at this. pic.twitter.com/l7ginXaf8Y— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) November 7, 2016
So. Disrespectful. Of course the front flip into the end zone on top of a Viking on the Vikings’ field is the rudest part of all this, but looked at how Tate shook Xavier Rhodes so bad that Rhodes whiffed on the tackle and then slid out of bounds on his stomach and out of the frame.
Tate made a grown ass man look like an eight-year-old on a Slip ‘N Slide and I don’t even know if they still make Slip ‘N Slides so this was some shit I haven’t seen since 1991.
He then stiff-armed Pro Bowl safety and all-American badass Harrison Smith’s face in the dirt before putting the cherry on top of this fuck you sundae by going Sonic the Hedgehog on Andrew Sendejo for the walk-off score. Absolutely phenomenal and the most Golden Tate shit Golden Tate has done in his storied history of doing Golden Tate shit. Golden Tate has a penchant for this type of douchebaggery and I’m pretty sure it stems from him growing up and playing the most barbaric, macho sport on the planet while being named Golden Tate. That guy has some serious Boy Named Sue shit going on that he needs to work out.
Shenanigans also ensued in Kansas City when Travis Kelce “flagged” a ref with his towel and then the ref upped the ante and “flagged” Kelce back with his hat because if you want shit to get real, NFL refs will obviously oblige you. I was hoping that Kelce would have responded by removing his glove and slapping the ref in his face with it while calling him a rapscallion before challenging him to a duel in a fortnight but it didn’t escalate any further.
And that’s probably for the best. It didn’t look like either of those guys was ready to back down so this very well could have resulted in a full-blown Magic Mike incident in Arrowhead had cooler heads not prevailed.
The NFL prides itself on providing wholesome entertainment for the family yet we still have a nation full of grandparents who are making strides to recover from witnessing a quarterback lunge face first into his offensive lineman’s ass during Thanksgiving dinner four years ago. This would have set all that progress back.
"You wanna get crazy?Cuz we can fuckin get crazy. I've got way more tossable apparel than you PAL"the ref said as he tossed his hat at Kelce— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) November 6, 2016
On a gameday full of bizarre incidents, a squirrel showing up on the field might not have been the most bizarre one but it definitely was the most adorable.
It seems every game that Rodgers and Luck play is a referendum on their regression or lack thereof. It can feel draining at times. The two met in Lambeau for a game that wasn’t particularly pretty and then this delightful little fucker decides to crash the party and lighten the mood up a bit.
When we attend football games it seems like nothing outside that stadium matters. That’s how kind of how life works outside it, too. We get caught up in our own shit and develop tunnel vision. Our blinders go up. Every little thing we worry about gets blown out of proportion into some life or death shit and pretty soon we stop noticing and appreciating the little shit that really matters — like how awesome squirrels are.
This squirrel popped up and for a brief moment nothing mattered except this squirrel — not even Aaron Rodgers doing a Dan Orlovsky impersonation for most of the game. The Lambeau squirrel served as somewhat of a reminder that no matter what’s going on in your world, there’s still a whole world out there that’s always moving. And if you take some time to acknowledge and appreciate that, you just might see something awesome like a cute squirrel doing some cute squirrel shit.
Because if you don’t, you just might find yourself wearing a fedora, some velvet loafers and singing Mr. Bojangles by yourself in the dark.
Stress got Marcus Mariota looking like a Rat Pack era Sammy Davis Jr.— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) November 7, 2016
I’ll catch you next week, internet friends. Take some time to find your own personal Lambeau squirrel in the meantime.