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‘The Bachelor’ Fantasy League is a real thing. Here are team name ideas

America’s favorite sport got its own fantasy league.

When ABC released the bios of all the women who will be competing for Nick Viall’s “handsome software salesman” heart a few weeks ago, I went on a lengthy tirade about how The Bachelor is sports. In short: The Bachelor is sports because it’s a competition, millions of people watch it, and because Merriam-Webster defines a sport as sexual play, so, I mean, case closed.

But, in the event that you still weren’t sold, ESPN and ABC have teamed up to create a fantasy league for America’s favorite reality television show where people try to find true love and — more importantly — gain more Instagram followers for when they start their lifestyle brand once the show is over.

Given that I am SB Nation’s foremost Bachelor expert, many people sent me this news. And many of them were euphoric: Look what we get to do, they cried! Our prayers have been answered! From everyone’s reaction, I got the sense that I’m supposed to be excited about a Bachelor fantasy league.

But I’m not. I’m actually pretty annoyed.

Hear me out: I don’t play fantasy football because if I draft a team, then realize I actually hate that team, I don’t want to be stuck with that team. I prefer to live a fluid life where I can change my mind about who I want to root for whenever I want. But what I want doesn’t matter: I have to play in this fantasy league. It will undoubtedly become an integral part of the Bachelor viewing experience, and how can I expect to still be an expert if I don’t partake?

I can’t. Which is why I’m reluctantly clicking the link and going down a Bachelor fantasy rabbit hole. Give me your virtual hand and we’ll do this together.

[Cracks knuckles]

HERE WE GO!

We are greeted by the smirking face of “handsome software salesman” Nick Viall, the Bachelor of season 21. He is adjusting his tie. Let’s click PLAY NOW!

We have to log in. I just logged in using my Facebook account, so ABC now knows everything about me, is probably tracking my movements, and will most likely send a drone to kill me if I write something they aren’t pleased with during this season. Maybe you should just enter your email address. Maybe that’s safer. I don’t know. I’m out of my cyber-security element, here (shit, getting weird messages on my phone ... Russia? Is that you?).

Now a screen branded with ABC and ESPN’s logos is prompting us to “stay in touch,” asking us if we want to receive updates, special offers, and other information from ABC. We definitely don’t. If I receive one more junk email I will light my computer on fire and drop kick it out the window (this is an empty threat I have made before and on which I will not follow through, so for all you jokesters getting ready to send me an email with the subject line “junk,” don’t).

We are now told that we are “Almost Ready To Play!” First, however, we have to choose a team name. Which brings us to the purpose of this post: I have come up with several that you guys can use. Snatch ’em up before someone else does:

1. TheRightReasons, with a number tacked on at the end

(I went with TheRightReasons69)

2. ChrisHarrisdaughter

3. RoseColoredGlasses

4. AceVenturaDolphinTrainer

5. WineWhiskeyBeerShotsMargaritasDrunksdhfhdhfsdkfj

6. HotTubbies

7. RyanLochteShouldveBeenTheBachelor

8. HandsomeSoftwareSalesmen

9. HandsomeSoftwareSaleswomen

10. TrueLoveIsALie

11. TheBachelorIsSuperSports

12. NotHereToMakeFriends

13. BringBackJoeMillionaire

14. AndTemptationIslandIMO

15. WhyNotDoubleDareWhileWereAtIt

Now we are being prompted to choose which four of these lucky ladies will get to go on Hometown Dates (if you’ve been living under a rock, Hometown Dates are when contestants get to take “handsome software salesman” Nick Viall home to meet their families) and who will get the Final Rose.

I know I said I’d hold your hand, but you might have to hold my hand, because I am starting to panic. HOW CAN I POSSIBLY PICK FOUR WOMEN WHEN ALL I’VE DONE IS READ THEIR BIOS!?

I can’t even tell them apart! They all look the same in their headshots! Whoever photoshops these things is bad at letting people look like themselves! Plus, I need to see these women interact with Nick. I need to observe their body language. I need to know what they’re about before I make a decisions as important as WHO WILL WIN THE FINAL ROSE!!!!!

But wait. I am reading the fine print now and it turns out that we can edit our picks until 7:59 p.m. ET on Jan. 16. This means we will have at least two episodes before we have to set our opinions in stone.

I feel a little bit better now.

Here are my picks based on what I know from memorizing reading the cast bios:

Liz: She is the doula (a person who helps women birth children, but somehow isn’t the same thing as a midwife) who would be happiest if she never had to kill someone. She also picks her nose while she drives her car. I think the producers will keep her around for entertainment value and potential drama.

Hailey: This 23-year-old wedding photographer (FORESHADOWING?!) looks conventionally pretty enough to make it far just because she’s conventionally pretty. Maybe she’s cool and smart, too, but I can’t tell yet. She also didn’t write anything super weird in her bio, which bodes well for her, because the weird and wonderful ones usually get weeded out pretty quickly.

Whitney: She’s a pilates instructor. Why not.

Brittany: I’m running out of steam, here. Brittany sounds good. Sure, let’s go with Brittany.

(The Bachelor is a pretty predictable show. There is very rarely a person who is not white in the final four. So.)

I chose Hailey to win the whole thing and snag the Final Rose. I just have a good feeling about Hailey. I will obviously update you as the show begins. Knowing my luck, all four of these women are gone by the time the second episode rolls around.