Christmas is nearly upon us, and several teams already have their gifts lined up for the weekend. The Steelers can bring home an AFC North title with a win over the Ravens on Sunday. The Chiefs and Giants can each lock down playoff spots with Week 16 wins.
But there’s more to the holiday season than just winning football games. The true meaning of Christmas, as the Bible tells us, is the birth of Santa and the giving/receiving of presents. No professional sports league in the country could use a little Christmas more than the NFL, a penny-pinching miser intent on destroying fun and making its employees work through Christmas.
So, before various ghosts of holidays past and future visit the league, we decided to spread some cheer to the players, coaches, and franchises in need of it the most. Here’s SB Nation’s perfect Christmas wish list for the NFL.
Dak Prescott: Thirty-one gold leaf thank you notes. One for each team that failed to draft him, so he could land in a perfect situation in Dallas.
Thomas Rawls and C.J. Prosise: A dump truck full of Skittles. They worked wonders for Marshawn Lynch.
Antonio Brown: Pole dancing lessons. The logical next step from twerking. Adjusting to the protective foam that covers the goal posts may be a complication, however.
The Indianapolis Colts: Gift cards to Applebee’s. The most mediocre gift for the most mediocre team in the most mediocre city in America. Congratulations on being tremendously average!
Ezekiel Elliott. A T-shirt that finally covers his belly.
Think of others this holiday season, Zeke. Give 1996 Gwen Stefani her style back,
Aaron Rodgers: The complete Batman comic book anthology, living proof you don’t need a family to be a superhero.
Cleveland Browns: A win. An honest-to-goodness win. Just one cooooooommme onnnnnnnnn.
Rex Ryan: A subscription to Adobe’s CreativeCloud. Perfect for creating and polishing resumes!
Odell Beckham Jr.: OBJ probably feels like he can’t do anything right in the eyes of the NFL. While Zeke seems like the favorite son, Beckham is out here getting fined for wearing Craig Sager cleats that were auctioned off for charity.
So, in the spirit of the season, Odell needs a chance to feel both special and appreciated. Time for him to go Home Alone on some bumbling robbers, outwitting them, and setting traps that they somehow, inexplicably survive.
And let’s throw in a large cheese pizza, just for him.
Roger Goodell: A Samsung Gear VR. Maybe if he can give out fines and discredit CTE in a fake world, he’ll start handling it better in the real one.
George McCaskey: A shot of adrenaline. Maybe he’ll use it, maybe he’ll pass it onto the Bears. He should at least have the option.
Michael Bennett: Nothing. Dude is already Black Santa.
Martellus Bennett: Nothing. Dude’s brother is Black Santa.
New York Giants: A running back. Any running back.
Houston Texans: For Brock Osweiler to forget how to use an alarm clock:
An ideal situation for the Texans would be Brock Osweiler doing something so his $16M salary guarantee for 2017 could be voided.— Joel Corry (@corryjoel) December 22, 2016
Any type of team or league suspension or Brock Osweiler handling his demotion like Ryan Mallett did would suffice to void his guarantee. https://t.co/U9IWGFaZHU— Joel Corry (@corryjoel) December 22, 2016
Marcus Mariota: A facial hair grooming kit. BRING BACK THE ‘STACHE, YOU DIRTLIP HEISMAN.
Rob Gronkowski: A signed letter from MillerCoors president Gavin Hattersley, promising to bring back Coors Light Summer Brew and make it a Gronk Party Bus exclusive.
Vontaze Burfict: Macho Man Randy Savage gear. Lean into the crazy, Vontaze. Embrace Ohio’s favorite son (and another famous athlete once affiliated with Cincinnati pro sports). Get a sweet-ass endorsement deal from Slim Jim in the process.
Jared Goff: A quarterback kit. This kit includes: an offensive line, receivers, tight ends, and information on which direction the sun rises.
Jeff Fisher: A job and 7-9 mustache grooming kits.
Marquette King: A brand new green Power Rangers costume. It’s his favorite.
Jacksonville Jaguars: New Color Rush uniforms. The current ones look awful, so we’ll get you some teal ones, or something, anything.
Jeremy Hill: Some scissors, so he can cut that Terrible Towel up.
Cam Newton: A card that’s “guaranteed for one whistle for a helmet-to-helmet hit.”
Jerry Jones: A Netflix subscription so he can get his drama fix without ruining his football team.
San Diego Chargers: A new football stadium (anywhere) with a home crowd that will root for your team instead of booing them.
Jamie Collins: A trade back to the New England Patriots.