New Year’s resolutions are exercises in futility. Look, I understand the concept, I’m just wary because my 2013 attempt at self-improvement is the reason a $10-a-month gym in Boston still charges my credit card even though I don’t live there anymore and the gym is now a sushi place.
While I don’t like setting myself up for failure, I do like feeling accomplished. The obvious workaround is therefore to set goals I know I can achieve. Last year, for example, I resolved “to do more stuff.” This resolution worked because all I had to do to keep it was sightly more stuff than the year before, and it’s actually not that hard to find more stuff to do.
This low-stakes version of New Year’s resolutions is a great one for sports fans, because sports fans generally like sitting on couches and not moving for extended periods of time. Luckily for you guys, this is a sports website, so I have provided you with a few suggestions.
1. Work out exactly as much as you already do or don’t work out
Nice, way to go, keep it up.
2. Don’t sit on your nachos
This is the most important New Year’s resolution you can make. It’s actually more of a life credo than it is a resolution. My mother raised me on this one, and it’s easy to abide by: All you have to do in order not to sit on your nachos is either not put your nachos on a chair, or look down before you park yourself somewhere. By not sitting on your nachos, you a) can still eat your nachos, b) don’t get melted cheese all over your butt, c) don’t have to leave the restaurant/party/bar/drive-thru to change your pants, and d) save money because you don’t have to buy more nachos.
3. Try that beer you hate that your friend loves
Would it kill you to reach across the aisle and take a sip of Natty Ice? Or order one of those up-its-own-ass microbrews made with the tears of 49ers fans? No, it wouldn’t. And if we don’t drink drinks that are different from the drinks we normally drink, if we don’t even give them a shot, what hope do we have as a nation?
4. Tweet more*
Just fire ‘em off. Did you just order some nachos? Let us know! Think your team would’ve won the game if the coach hadn’t been such a doofus? Tell the world! Wish you hadn’t sat on your nachos? Get them tweets out! Hate this article? I’m sure you’ll tell me! You can do all of this with two thumbs from the comfort of that leather recliner in your den. What could possibly go wrong?
*I’m being sarcastic. Never tweet.
5. Play more catch, with an actual baseball glove and everything
This is my colleague Seth Rosenthal’s actual New Year’s resolution and it’s a really good one. Catch is, honestly, the best sport, and it’s even better if you use a real baseball glove and a baseball. You know that glorious weight that a game ball has? Like, that perfect heft?
(Alternatively, you can play catch with a tennis ball and put a dog in the middle, super fun).
6. Burn the jerseys of players who’ve disappointed you
I’m kidding. I’m 100 percent kidding. You have to be a total nut job who takes double doses of crazy pills at least three times a day to do this. Don’t ever do this. Come @ me if you’ve got a problem (see Resolution No. 4) and I’ll put you in your place.
7. Bring this checklist with you when you go to a baseball game:
Cotton candy? Check.
Hot dogs? Check.
Nachos? Check (see Resolution No. 2).
Another beer? Check.
What are we thinking, one more? Sure.
Okay I got two just because, you know, the lines are long.
8. Watch The Bachelor
It’s super easy to do, really mindless, a total waste of time, and the best sport (after catch, that is) in America.
9. Switch up your sandwich order once in a while
Everyone’s like, “oh, uh, sure, an Italian sub, uh, why not.” I say: It’s baloney (also a good sandwich) to stick with what’s safe. Tuna fish is underrated — get some cheddar melted on top. People don’t order enough tuna melts these days. Just maybe don’t eat it at the office if you want people to talk to you still.
10. Learn how to dunk
Hahahaha I’m just messing with you, that would be so hard and require so much movement.
11. Leave a group text when the sports takes get too garbage-y
12. Care too much about your fantasy team
In the words of Alfred Lord Tennyson: “Better to have obsessed and lost than to not have obsessed at all.”
13. Pretend you don’t care about your fantasy team at all
“I mean, like, I didn’t even set my lineup once this year and I’m in first place,” he said, after spending every Thursday morning religiously setting his lineup.
14. Eat more nachos
Do not sit on them.
15. Buy your favorite basketball player’s sneakers
As long as they aren’t the Chef Curry Hoo Boy I Love My New Leafblower Dad Lows, this is a great way to look cool and show how sporty you are.
16. Fill your car up with gas when the gas light goes on
Even sports fans need to get places sometimes. People forget this!
17. Google YouTube videos of tennis players throwing tantrums
Fun rabbit hole to go down.
18. Root for the Browns
Speaking of low bars: When you think your team is going to go 0-16, one win feels like a million bucks.
Let’s take it to the people: What are YOUR sports resolution for 2017, sports fans? Tell us in the comments, tweet them at us (see Resolution No. 4), send us a carrier pigeon, write a novel about it and then send us the galley in eight months, etc. Inquiring minds are dying to know.