Jonez on Jonez: Jeff Fisher always comes out on top, even when he loses

Dragonfly Jonez is a full time tweeter, a part time podcaster and an aficionado of spicy Popeye’s drumsticks who will be offering NFL commentary this season.

With Week 13 wrapping up—Monday night’s Jets-Colts matchup has nothing on the line except draft position—we are now in the fourth quarter of the NFL’s regular season. And none of us have any idea what the hell is exactly going on.

Tampa Bay and Detroit are in first place. A Romo backup has the Cowboys at 11-1. The Raiders are 10-2 and would be the #1 seed in the AFC if the playoffs started today. There’s also a chance the NFC East can send three teams to the playoffs. Just like we all predicted.

While this season has proven to be wildly unpredictable, some things still remain the same. Like the job security of the man who will soon go down as the coach with the most losses in NFL history.

Patriots 26, Rams 10

Once again, Mr. Mediocrity comes out on top. Only Jeff Fisher could manage to get an extension in the midst of losing seven of his last eight games and game planning for a running back who hasn’t even been on the team that he was scheduled to play since 2012.

Fisher might not know his x’s and o’s from his p’s and q’s. However, the way he has managed to maximize his ineptitude is so inexplicable that it has transcended into being admirable.

Fisher has a reputation of coddling up to ownership. That has always been his saving grace. He’s not good enough of a coach to be an asshole like Belichick is. He had a great relationship with Bud Adams until it soured over Vince Young. That rift cost Jeff Fisher his job of 16 years and he seems to have learned a valuable lesson from it, a lesson that all of us working stiffs begrudgingly accepted long ago: never get on your boss’ bad side.

Fisher has made this his mantra and has formed an alliance rooted in the fellowship of pornstaches with Stan Kroenke and has even hired the father of Kevin Demoff (the Rams’ COO and vice president of football operations) as his agent. Jeff Fisher has finessed this whole situation into making a termination of his employment a situation that will fuck up the money of the father of the guy who signs off on it. I have written before about how a lot of us are Jay Cutler but you’ve got to be a real special motherfucker to be a Jeff Fisher. He’s a rare breed.

Going back to Kroenke: when all hell broke loose when he decided to move the Rams, I had no idea who this guy was so I googled him and saw a picture and wondered how was anyone surprised here. That dude looks like a villain from a Mr. Bean movie. I remember thinking “I bet this guy wears a shit ton of trench coats” and lo and behold, I did a google image search and he in fact does. Hella trench coats.

While Jeff Fisher remains mired in mediocrity, Tom Brady continues his ascension into greatness.

Brady won his 201st game, becoming the most winningest quarterback of all time. He got this win against the soon-to-be biggest loser ever amongst NFL coaches. Shit just aligns like that sometimes.

Chiefs 29, Falcons 28

And things always seem to align against the Falcons.

After scoring a touchdown to go up 28-27, the Falcons went for two in an attempt to make it a three point game. Matt Ryan then threw a pick that Eric Berry returned to Atlanta’s end zone. Final score: Kansas City 29, Atlanta 28.

We have witnessed a lot of Falcony Falcons losses but this is one of the Falconiest. The Falcons are the worst type of team. Whereas fans of teams like the Browns know their season is over before it even starts, Falcons fans fool themselves every season into thinking this year will be different. Their reward for this foolhardy optimism is the same end result as teams like the Browns, but with worse draft position.

In the Matt Ryan era, the Falcons have won 81 games. They have one playoff victory to show for it. Fans of disappointing teams are usually either despondent or delusional. Despondency often stems from realizing harsh truths. Delusion is rooted in insanity. Falcons fans suffer from the latter.

Seahawks 40, Panthers 7

While the Falcons are still in the hunt for a playoff spot and even a division title, the Panthers saw whatever remnants of hope for a wild card mercilessly snuffed out in Seattle in a 40-7 drumming.

However, the real story of this game is Cam being benched for the first series for a rather tame dress code violation. Cam has drawn inspiration from Mr. Peanut, the Riddler and 1920s street popcorn vendors for his outfits, but Rivera reached his boiling point when Cam wore a turtleneck instead of a tie.

I get that rules are rules. And you can’t wear a tie over a turtleneck. However if there’s anybody who would wear a tie over a turtleneck it’s that accessorizing-ass dude Cam. I’m disappointed in all parties here. More so in Cam for not wearing a lemur tail tie over his turtleneck tho. I know he has about three of those.

These violent delights have violent ends.

And if I was Luke Kuechly my season would have violently ended weeks ago.

A wise man once said “You tried your best. And you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.” People like Jeff Fisher have figured this out. Falcons fans haven’t. We’ll see if Luke Kuechly has.

Until next week, internet friends.