The best day of 2016 was when the cast of The Bachelorette was announced in the spring. The second-best day will be on Dec. 31, because that’s the day this terrible year will almost be over. Today is the third-best day, because it’s the day that ABC released the cast bios for the upcoming 21st (!!) season of The Bachelor.
Before we dive in and gleefully dissect the bios of the 30 women who’ve gone through rigorous casting calls and screen tests, quit their jobs, and moved to some dumbass mansion in California just so they can make out in hot tubs and drink copious amounts of alcohol while they vie for the love of “handsome software salesman Nick Viall” on national television (where their own families can see them), there are a few questions you might have that we need to address.
Q: Wait, why are we talking about The Bachelor on a sports website?
A: Because The Bachelor is sports.
Q: How is The Bachelor sports?
A: What are you, nuts? How is The Bachelor not sports? I just Googled “what is sports” and sports is, according to Merriam-Webster, this:
I have highlighted the important part because, oh my god, it says that a sport is not only a source of diversion but also SEXUAL PLAY. Merriam-Webster might as well just say “the definition of sports is The Bachelor.”
Q: Why are you so excited about a reality show that sometimes, when watched, makes the viewer feel like their IQ is plummeting?
A: Because I am SB Nation’s new Bachelor correspondent and I will be writing harebrained recaps when the show begins on Jan. 2. Today is basically draft day for me. This is a big deal. Please let me have this.
Q: Who is the man these women are trying to marry or date or use to launch their own lifestyle blog or spin-off reality show once the actual relationship goes up in flames after the season ends?
A: The dude du jour is a guy named Nick Viall, whose name I will never write down without the phrase “handsome software salesman” preceding it. Here he is with a Smurf:
Nick is basically the cockroach of the Bachelor franchise, because he’s been on The Bachelorette twice already and Bachelor in Paradise once. He has now proposed and gotten rejected on national television at least twice, and I can’t tell whether I think it’s pathetic or impressive that he’s still trying to do this shit. He isn’t really a software salesman at this point. He’s a career Bachelor-goer-oner.
Given that he’s now proposed to two women and seems like kind of a dud, I don’t see how any of this season’s contestants could actually want to end up with him. Which in turn makes me doubt that any of them are on the show for The Right Reasons (aka to find true and everlasting love). And everyone knows that not being there for the Right Reasons is, in Bachelor world, a worse offense than, say, intentionally burning down your parents’ house.
Q: Weird. OK. Can we finally start get to observations about the contestants now?
A: Yes, let’s do this.
1. THE FIRST NINE WOMEN MIGHT JUST BE THE SAME WOMAN OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I spent most of the last season of The Bachelorette making jokes about how all the dudes who made it to Episode 6 looked exactly the same — like a couple of cones of vanilla soft serve. And now, after looking at these first nine bios, I am confident that ABC finds all the clones in America and then convinces a few of them to dye their hair blonde before putting them on television.
2. EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A CUTE DOLPHIN
Exhibit A: Our girl Alexis is not a dolphin trainer nor a dolphin trainer-in-training. She is an aspiring dolphin trainer. This is a nebulous and fishy (sorry) job description, because I could very well say that I am an aspiring left tackle in the NFL and no one could tell me I’m actually not because, for all you know, I am aspiring to be one. The fact that I haven’t ever played professional football before and would be about as effective on the field as if you put a dolphin in a helmet and said, “go get ‘em, Sparky!” doesn’t matter. We’re in a post-truth world.
Exhibit B: If she could be any animal, Angela would be a dolphin. Why? “They are playful and sociable and live in family groups.” Pretty sure that “family group” is just a “family” but hey, I’m not a doctor.
Exhibit C: Astrid says she wants to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid, which is basically just half a dolphin.
Exhibit D: Briana wants to be a dolphin so she “could breathe underwater, do flips, and be cute.” And she also wants to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid.
Exhibit E: Lauren says she’d be a dolphin “because they are so cute and smart and they get to live in such a beautiful environment, under the sea!”
Exhibit F: Susannah also wants to be Ariel.
Side note: Did I miss a memo? Are grown women supposed to want to be Ariel these days? I’m a little concerned that I’ve been living under a rock and skipped over a cultural moment in which Ariel is suddenly relevant again. Someone please help me understand what is going on here.
Everyone else pretty much wants to be a bird or an exotic, large cat. Or Olivia Pope, Kerry Washington’s character from Scandal.
3. BASICALLY ALL THE WOMEN SAY THE NOTEBOOK AND TITANIC ARE THEIR FAVORITE MOVIES AND IT’S LIKE, GIVE ME A BREAK
I was hoping someone would get funky with it and say Glengarry Glen Ross, or Schindler’s List, or A Fish Called Wanda, but all these women like the same movies because they are apparently all boring ice cream cones. Here’s how many times a woman said each of these movies was her favorite (please keep in mind that not everyone answered this question):
The Notebook: 4
Step Brothers: 2
4. THERE ARE TWO JASMINES AND TWO DANIELLES
So we’ll all be a little confused for a while until some of them get weeded out.
5. BUT ONE OF THE JASMINES IS A DANCER FOR THE WARRIORS
#SPORTS! Jasmine G. says if she won the lottery she’d buy a sports team. But she doesn’t say which one. I wonder if she remembers that the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals with a unanimous MVP? People forget that.
6. ELIZABETH — “LIZ” — SEEMS FAR OUT AND I'M HERE FOR IT
Most of these women are, like, marketing managers who give answers that are pretty straightforward: They want to be dolphins, usually love Jesus, and many are afraid of dying alone. But Elizabeth — who has the shocking nickname of “Liz” because there is another Elizabeth — is a doula (a person who helps people birth their children) who went somewhat rogue with her answers. She said the thing that would make her happiest is if she never has to kill someone. She also admitted that she picks her nose while she drives her car, which is a thing I also do, so I like Liz a lot.
Calling it now: Liz makes it to the final three.
7. WE’RE IN FOR A LOT OF TEARS
One woman’s fiancé died and another woman’s ex was addicted to pain pills. So we’ll FORE SHORE have some serious drama and probably some trust issues based on past experiences.
8. A FEW MISCELLANEOUS OBSERVATIONS:
- Elizabeth (not “Liz”) has misophonia, which is when you hate the sound of other people chewing. This will be a point of contention in the house when the producers tell Kristina to chew really loudly in Elizabeth’s vicinity to start a fight.
- Ida Marie says her favorite snack is Cheetos eaten with pickles so she’s definitely a serial killer.
- Jaimi is a “pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian,” so she is also definitely a serial killer.
- Alexis said that her most embarrassing moment was when her ex-boyfriend told her she had a mustache at a Giants game. I don’t understand. Did she suddenly grow a mustache? Was it a milk mustache? Was it Eli Manning’s fault? Or was it Madison Bumgarner’s fault? This is sports, but it’s confusing sports. Be better, Alexis.
- Kristina is a dental hygienist which is good because everybody knows it’s not a real season of The Bachelor or Bachelorette if one of the contestants isn’t a dental hygienist.
- Rachel and Lauren both went to law school so hopefully they’ll be good at arguing.
- Rachel is too smart to be on this show. When asked, “Who is your favorite artist and why?” She responded with, “Jean-Michel Basquiat. He was so mysterious and died so young. There is so much we don't know about him and could have received from him in the art world.’”
- Whitney thinks Tom Brady is hot.
9. BLIND AND COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED PREDICTIONS:
I think Whitney, Liz, Danielle M., Rachel, and Jasmine G. (the one from the Warriors) are going to get pretty far. I just really feel like they’re all here for The Right Reasons. But I won’t be able to make a prediction about who wins the whole thing until I see the first episode. I cannot wait.