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MMBM: Did Bill Belichick email the Peyton Manning story to Shaun King?

The MMBM weighs all the evidence

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

On Saturday, the New York Daily News writer Shaun King published a story about a alleged 1996 incident involving Peyton Manning, a UT athletic traner, and a out-of-court settlement between the two. There were a few new details that King included regarding the incident- court briefs that had been mailed to him from a unnamed source that just happen to have the inside scoop on the Manning affair from the Florida court system.

Its important to note that Belichicks girlfreind Linda Holliday is a Florida native and that the couple met just outside of Polk county several years ago. I just watched Spotlight on Friday and folks I dont have to tell you that the only two people that would of had access to remove and distribute any and all unseemly legal documents are the Catholic Cardinals and Bill Belichick. Many others have speculated that the Patriots tenticles stretch well into the Florida court system- need I remind you about a mysterous attempted murder charge against Aaron Hernandez that was dropped all of the sudden a couple years ago?

Watching Manning beat his Pats and then capture a Superbowl against a Panthers team that would of been smoked into infinity by Belichicks crazy mind games must of driven the New England coach wild with jealousy. We all know how far he's willing to go to gain a advantage, and theres nothing he would like more then for history to look upon his main rival with the same skepticism they use to look at his precous QB Tom Brady.

But just like this years Broncos- Mannings day was saved by a strong defense. Within mere hours of this info being leaked to the press, the news was overshadowed by Surpreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's death. Any time big news breaks right in the middle of a nother developing story, you can generally see that the two are somehow connected. Its like back in 1998 when Monica Lewisnky had just gave testmony about all of the cool sex stuff with the President, Clinton got out in front of the story by blowing  up a aspirin factory. Hard to think about the Presdent, a cigar and a intern when hes clearly busy lobbing cruise missiles at unverfied targets in Sudan. Worked like a charm.

In this case, the 20 year old story broke on Saturday morning and then poof- within a few hours Justice Scala had passed away. The vengence of the Manning family is nortorously swift, so we have to ask ourselves if this was a Wag the Dog situation in order for Manning to throw the spotlight off his trail, and spoiling Belichicks master plan.

Now since Ive got you here lets talk about the actual incident with Peyton Manning and his former trainer at the Universty of Tennessee.

The alleged assault took place on Febuary 29th- a day that dosent even exist 75% of the time- making it 3/4s less likely that the entire day happened much less the incident in question. Even a cursory examination of the documents makes it clear that Manning is definitely innocent.

The next question we need to ask is how come the alleged victim waited so long for us to start to care about this again? Whats her angle? Seems like a cash grab to me.

Like I allways say, the best thing you can do when a scandal happens is to wonder what it would look like if the scandal had happened to someone else, instead of the actual issue that we're dealing with. So in this case, the first thing we should do is wonder how the media would react if Cam Newton had done this instead. If Cam had found himself in this position, it would be important to ask the media how they would be handling this if it had been Peyton Manning who had done it, because you can bet that if Tom Brady had been accused of this the media would be having a field day.

So in conclusion, it looks like Belichick may of leaked this info to the press in order to smear Mannings good name while also forcing America to admit to ourselves that if Cam Newton had been accused of sexual assault, we'd need to ask ourselves what we would do if Manning had been accused of assault and whether or not that would be equal to how we would react if Brady were accused of the same thing. Cunning stuff as allways. HOWEVER, based on the evidence at hand it is more probable then not that Peyton Manning did not have Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia assassinated.

On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week:Cleveland Steamers soccer player Brian Garruto

Ok so I dont think Ive ever had a soccer player win Road Grader of the Week and for good reason, but I feel like I need to make a exception for Brian Garruto, as seen in GQ magazine. Mr. Garruto has put together a impressive resume of all the ways taht he has disrepsected the terrible terrible sport of soccer over the past several months which has culminated with his termination from the North Side Co Ed Soccer League:

Kids creative with all the ways he breaks the rules, a future Belichick in the making theres no doubt about it. And although this list is probably fake given the fact that Diego would of probably had to take 6 hours to format a email like this from a iPhone, you have to repsect the fact that brian has a friend who was willing to write this fake email just to make his buddy look cool online. Great leadership.

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Why doesnt the league have a big celebration for the start of the new League year like the Chinese do every Febuary? Seems like it would be a great event to fill the almost month-long gap in between the Combine and the start of free agency. Maybe do a big concert featuring U2 and the Black Eyed Peas, put JPP in charge of the fireworks display and just have some fun with it.

2. Peter King got Von Miller to admit that he intentonally batted the ball towards his own goalline on the late Superbowl fumble by Cam Newton, and if he had been caught the ruling would of been to give the Panthers the ball back. This got me thinking whats the offical statue of limitations on players admitting to infractions on the field. If Tom Brady said "I personally deflated each and every football in the 2015 AFC champonship game with a needle I keep in my sock that I also use to inject steroids with" I bet you Goodell would of had him assassinated within the hour. But Von Miller admitts to cheating and we look the other way, almost like Americans are afraid of acusing folks of illegal swating after seeing what happened to Timothy McVeigh.

3. Lets talk politics since no one else seems like they understand it as much as I do. Judge Antonin Scalia passed away at what seems lke a kick ass resort in west Texas. Call me crazy but the "Marfa Lights" sounds like a brand of cigarette then a  tourist attraction in my opinion. This has left Presdent Barack Obama in a precarous position of whether he should nomnate someone to fill Scalias vacancy or just admit that his pick is going to be too weird and let the next person do it. This whole dilemma underscores what is possbly the best part of our justice system and thats the fact that judges are largely appointed by which political party they're a member of. If your going to be determining whether or not someone shousld be allowed to be fired because of sexual orientation or whether we can send flying kill-robots to murder american citizens and their families overseas, first we need to know who you like better the Koch brothers or George Soros.

This would be like not eating a meal once you get put on death row because your just going to die anyways, which would be a touching tribute to Scalias beliefs regarding treatment of convicted murderers.

So Obama could ether

a) Do the right thing by not nomnating anyone, kind of like if Steve Jobs decided to just kind of quit after his diagnosis and trust Tim Cooke to invent the ipad

b) Nominate Ted Cruz, forcing Ted to supsend his campaign, confirm himself, and then once he's confirmed the entire Senate shows him that the contract he just signed was nothing but "Lorem Ipsum" and it was a big prank since he dosen't have any friends, and then he becomes "Carrie" and swears revenge on every politican for the rest of his life.

c) Nominate Hillary Clinton. Real House of Cards stuff right here. Senate GOP has to deicide if there willing to take the risk of having her on the Supreme Court if it means that they get to run aganst Bernie Sanders. Could be a good strategy by Obama since statisticaly 10-20 senators would have a heart attack trying to figure out what the best strategy is in repsonse, and the Governors who are in charge of appointing there replacements would ethically have to wait until their replacements took over, and the Democrats would take over the Senate. Doubt Obamas smart enough to figure this one out but you have to admit it would be outstanding political theater.

4. Report came out today that TMZ paid over $100,000 for the Ray Rice elevator video, which kind of lets Roger Goodell off the hook because thats a whole lot of money to invest in something that you dont want to see in the first place. Thats like if we called on Adam Silver to resign because he didnt agressively pursue the Donald Sterling/V Stiviano/Matt Barnes "Girth of a Nation" sextape.

5. Lesean McCoy is in hot water again for beating up two police officers in a Buffalo bar fight. Many in the "blame cops first" media are quick to point out that the two Law Enformcement Officers were off-duty as if that were a excuse. Last time I checked Abraham Lincoln wasnt on the clock when he was killed but we still consider John Wilkes booth to be a assassin. Police officers, Jesus, and Momma are allways "on-duty" as far as I'm concerned, and whether or not they happen to be getting paid for there service at the time is irregardless.

6. The Houston Texans have made history by being the first NFL team to hire a female as director of communications*. In her first press conference she was asked how the team planned to address there Quarterback situation and said "Its fine. No seriously its nothing its fine. Its just that... never mind. Its fine."

7. This is is the first full week of the NFL offseason.

8. There is no offseason, that was a trick. If your still reading this column right now and havent skipped to the bottom to comment "there is no offseason in the NFL" after reading number 7, then you dont know anything about professonal football and you've obvously wandered into this article by misstake and I dont want your click.

9. I appeard on the It Me podcast with Martin Rickman and Robbie Kalland last week which can be found here. Martin also did the very important work of watching the Superbowl in a strip club which should be a bucket list thing for everyone.

10. The Westminster Kennel Club dog show is this week and I am MANcotting it due to its bias against all the best breeds of dogs. The fact is that no dog from the Working group has won Best in Show since Obama has been President folks. Heres my prediction:

Working group: Portoguese Water Dog

Obamas breed so of course the deck is rigged and the water dog is going to win this group. Its hypoallergenic which is a embodiment of the wussification of America- hell folks if Trump was President those sissy daughters would spend more time worrying about the woodshed than the dog shed. Plus, since Obamas a lame duck he shouldnt of be aloud to decide what kind of dog to get his family until the next president is elected so he or she can decide what type of dog Obama should get.

Non-working group: GSP

You know who else was a German shorthaired pointer?

Non-Sporting group: Poodle

Its allways the poodle. If it has a dumb haircut it wins the group, just look at Donald Trump.

Hound group: Basset Hound

I call this breed Barko Rubio since there ears drag along the ground and just allways look hilarious when they have a drink of water.

Toy Group: Who cares

Terrier Group: Skye Terrier

Its name literaly means "Heaven and Earth" and you have to apprecate that kind of versatility. Cue all the Pit Bulls apologists who so depserately want to see their breed win so it can gain some legitimacy instead of being acknowledged as the murderous, blood-thirsty, warpig animal that they are, no offense to pitbull owners.

Herding Group: Puli

The Vontaze Burfict of dogs, the Puli will resort to all the nasty tricks of intimdation. Thats why its this years favorite as far as Im concerned. The type dog that will pee on the award podium before the game even starts and slip laxatives in the Corgis food 30 mins prior to the second when the judge gets to touch its butthole. By the way,Its very interesting how a collie hasnt won this group since 2005 but hey until we build a wall we wont have a border.

11. JJ Watt is a guy who stays true to his roots. Thats why he has a yearly traditon of posting all over social media about his yearly tradition of taking his 10 friends from high school on a vacation somewhere cool.

This year JJs crew went to Ireland and took a tour of the Guiness brewey in St. James Gate and its genuineley fascinating how each one of these guys looks like a composite character of the cast from Entourage if you drew them up under the influents of a different drug each time.

He even had a special 12 pack of beers brewed to give to his friends just in case they forgot who paid for them all to go on this vacation to the Guiness brewery together. The name of that beer- you guessed it- 
Guiness drauHGHt".

How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?

I'd like to point out that we dont know how Cam Newton is going to react to his first full offseason under his new contract. Its like how the US military handled our first war after developing a nucular bomb. That was a pretty out of control summer. Same thing with Cam now that he's got a few bucks in his pocket and 6 months before he has to return to work- could really do some damage. And now that all this Peyton Manning stuff is out, you allmost have to wonder if Newtons going to start going down that path now that he has enough money to settle out of court with thousand's of alleged potential future victims.

More importantly, we need to ask how come Cam hasnt publically come out and condemned Peyton Mannings alleged indiscretons? Cams supposed to be the face of the league right? All he did last week was post pics to his Instagram account talking about how whether or not he won or lost, he was going to do it his way and didnt care what anyone else thought. Well folks I know someone else who lost their way- Lucifer.

This weeks rating: Couple bucks to get him through the week

Internet Comment of the Week: Katrina Pierson, Donald Trumps national spokesperson:

I beleve I was the first one to explore the fact that Donald Trump is the most internet commenter Presdential Candidate since Barry Goldwater. And his spokesperson Katrina Pierson seems to embody that trait as well:

Reader Mailpail:

I produce the Toucher & Rich Morning Show and was wondering if you might have a few minutes tomorrow morning @ 9:00am eastern to come on with us?

We’d be done by 9:15 at the latest

Let me know when you get a free moment


Hope you are well

No thanks. First've all I dont like to get out of bed before noon, and secondly "Toucher and Rich" literaly translates to "Tiger & Elin." Hard pass.