We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Hey Peyton. Over here.
You finally won a Superbowl. Congrats. That's a pretty big deal for a guy who's not even the best QB in his family. But now its time to prove that your really one of the games elite. And the only way you can do that is by cutting out all this "aw shucks" retirement boloney- grab your sack and defend your title, or else your a chump. Simple as that.
What if the United States military had just rested on its laurels after the treaty of Versailles? We'd have the National Futbol League, but we wouldnt be aloud to use our hands and those captains stars on Peytons chest would take on a whole new meaning entirely. If Peyton quits tomorow, next week, or at any point this offseason, it will be a direct attack on the values that made America Great before it needed to be made great again.
Lets talk about quitters. So its no coincidence that literaly every single defeated Presendental nominee has conceeded victory immediately prior to losing the election. Jesus didnt even quit after he was literally dead. Heck, you can even extend your career as a handoff specalist, or just even become a backup again, again. When you say you might be hanging em up, your throwing Brock Osweiler under the bus, which I guess would have to have commercal grade truck tires and best-in-class ground clearence, but a bus nonetheless.
But Peytons farewell adress in which he said he was more concerned with checking into the barroom than the filmroom was extremely concerning. Winning a Superbowl is not a destination, its a checkpoint and Manning more than anyone else should be well aware of this. I dont want to take anything away from that victory at all, but if he dosen't return to defend his title he will forever be known as a fraud.
So congrats Peyton. You won a superbowl with two different teams which I guess is like getting two women pregnent, but you dont get to retire from being a father right after the second ones born.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Year: Roger Goodell
MIKE LAWRIE/GETTY IMAGES
So this should come as no suprise but Goodell put together a incredible NFL season. And folks talk alot of shit but you know what? He is so good at orchestrating what the NFL is good at- and that is making money. Lets not even talk about ratings which Im sure will be more people then will vote in the next Presidential electon.
But walking around Superbowl city all week your innundated with brands everywhere- skittles, bud light, pepsi, you name it. Everything is sponsored by something and I mean everything. And Goodell is able to orchestrate a orgy of there brands like no one else in the world ever could without pissing off enough people to hate the product. Hes basicaly the old Greek Dionisys except if instead of asking his neighbors to come over and drink sweet wine and eat hummus and bang his wife, he made you pay him to watch Doritos service Microsoft behind the Oikos/Budlight Tentstravaganza.
And yes, the NFL does want to literaly fuck you:
Fan of the Week: Me, no offense
I basicaly spent a week drunk and dressed up like Cleatus the robot which is the first rule of being a journlist. Just like I said at Media day how you can ask a athelte any question you want as long as you say that it's from a child, you can exclusive intervews with just about anyone if your hammered and wearing a $50 robot outfit from Walmart. The fact that Medill school at Northwestern doesnt have a course where they teach students to play dress-up is alarming and probably a big part of why theres so much bad journlism.
So heres me travelling around Radio Row for a day and intervewing Ian Rapoport, Former Washington TE Chris Cooley, and getting lots and lots of hugs from strangers. I know when you see a youtube video in this column and your at work your typically not going to watch it or whatever, but serously watch these it was a absolute blast:
And then SB Naton asked me to run the drills at the combine which was pretty much a disaster & can be viewn here:
Had just a incredible week, and what was realy amazing was getting to get extremely intoxicated and run through the NFL combine and throw up in front of famlies. Now I dont want any individual accolades, so Im immedately refusing my own award to myself because I'm not a "me" guy. Gonna dedicate it to the troops instead.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. I snuck into Guy Feiri's $700 a head tailgate party.
I initialy applied to be a bartender there but the whole operation was so disorganized that i didnt get my confirmaton email untill 4:30 AM on gameday. My bartending experence can be best described as "I go to bars alot" but for some reason they didnt realy care and hired me anyways.
So I showed up about 3 hours late for my shift and the head of securty said I wasnt on the list. The trick to getting aloud into places that your not supposed to be is if you act exasperated enough with anyone they typicaly cave in to your demands. So a big bald head dude with a lipstick tattoo on his neck walked me back to the bar, and as Guy was going around shooting donkey sauce out onto slow roasted chicaronnes I just basicaly told the bartender that I didnt actualy need to work if she didnt need me, and she was more then happy to just get back to work and there I was left, unchaperoned in the middle of Guy Feiris extremely bodacious Super Bowl tailgate.
Heres a nice sampling of the spread they had:
And of course their was the open bar. The entire time I was operating under the assumpton that I might be asked to leave at any given moment so I had to make the most of my trips to the bar. That meant two bud lights and a shot of Jack Danels every time:
But what should of been just a great afternoon of tresspassing and eating Brown Butter Bacon Bourbon Doughnut Bread Pudding almost turned ugly, fast.
I was in line for the Jumbalaya staton when I heard a man behind me ask someone else in line if he could get a selfie with him. The celebrity was Les Gold, star of TruTV's "Pawn Stars." Heres how that conversation went-
PERSON WHO DOESNT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PAWN STARS AND HARCORE PAWN: Hey man can I get a selfie?
LES GOLD, STAR OF TruTV's SMASH HIT SHOW HARDCORE PAWN: Sure why not?
PERSON WHO DOESNT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PAWN STARS AND HARCORE PAWN: Your from that show "Pawn Stars" right?
LES GOLD, STAR OF TruTV's SMASH HIT SHOW HARDCORE PAWN: No. Thats not me.
ME: Hey Les you want me to get rid of this guy? What a asshole. Who doesnt know the difference. Your shows way better because theres more yelling.
LES GOLD, STAR OF TruTV's SMASH HIT SHOW HARDCORE PAWN: I apprecate that man.
ME: God bless, but if you want me to take care of any one just say the word, Im 8 drinks deep and looking for a excuse.
LES GOLD, STAR OF TruTV's SMASH HIT SHOW HARDCORE PAWN: Thanks, great to meet you.
@PFTCommenter pic.twitter.com/4iECKqhZ77— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) February 7, 2016
The food was overall pretty good I think. There was a line about 15 mins long to get to the lobster,nachos, and mac& cheese which is such a load of bullshit. I didnt not pay $700 to wait in line for food, so instead I had jambalaya,his whole hog throwdown (which was honestley delicous), smores pies, drank 8 budlights and 3 shots of whiskey, charcuterie or whatever you call it, and got a pic with the main dude himself as Im drinking one of his $700 beers:
Shortly after this picture I broke one of the toilets and had to leave this is 100% true.
2. NFL players used to have integrity back in the day, and it was nice to see some of the leagues alltime great players, and human beings honored in Superbowl city.
3. Cant beleve more people aren't talking about this, but Demaryuis Thomas has had a case of the dropsies ever since his mothers been out of jail and able to watch her son play. Its important to note that Mrs. Thomases prison sentence was commuted by Barack Obama as part of his harebrained war on the war on drugs. My hypothesis is that Obama wanted Cam Newton to win the Superbowl so badley that he released DTs mom from jail just to distract him, and it allmost worked.
4. Tweeted this out but it bares repeating-
Aqib Talib is so selfish hes the only person who goes out of his way to put "I" after "q' instead of "U". Absolutely disgusting.
5. I call him Cam Putin because hes a Russian threat that can be nuetralized with a strong defense.
6. Thomas Davis had the by far the worst performance by a linebacker playing in the Super Bowl with a broken forarm in NFL history.
So far the Super Bowl is very boring - not nearly as exciting as politics - MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 8, 2016
7. Evan Matthis gets it:
Incredble double standard by the NFL to implement a Rooney Rule for minority and female hires, but not to put one in place to make sure that every offensive linemen who wears number 69 understands the joke behind the number. Glad to see I have a ally in Evan Mathis.
10. PR 101. Marshawn Lynch took us all to school during the game by alluding to his retirement on twitter during the actual Superbowl. If you want to bury a news story do it during the Superbowl. President Obama could announce that he sold Alabama to Kenya if he did it during the third quarter. Folks would just wake up and start speaking Swahili on Monday, and none would be the wiser.
11. I asked Peyton after the game to describe how he felt getting that hot kiss from Papa John as he walked off the field, and Manning pretended that he didnt recall it. Trouble in paradise maybe for those two? Or perhaps Mannings negging Papa John- keep your teamates in the end zone and your business partners in the friend zone. So intelligent.
12. Newtons recevers get a lot of guff for all there drops, but have we thought more about the fact that maybe its Cams fault for throwing such a tight spiral? You didnt see more then one or two drops from the Broncos depsite the fact that Peyton was throwing passes that looked more like a hornet that you hit with a glancing blow of Raid. Bottom line is Newton throws too tight a spiral which overrotates the ball out of his receivers hands most likeley because his hand is so strong maybe because its so used to throwing gang signs.
12. Just a thought during the game but maybe Cam took so many sacks because he was trying to fill up the stat sheet& get the QB equivlant of a triple double like a Ricky Davis manuver.
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Cam Newton is the worst MVP in the history of the National Football League.
It allmost seems like Cam was thinking about all the questions he wasnt going to answer while he was still on the field, which actually only serves to bring up more doubts in my mind as to his overall character as a human being. Folks I havent seen a press confrence go so poorly since R. Budd Dwyer.
Cams snubbing of the media, and by extention, all the children that he claims to love only when its convenient for him, was incredibly selfish on his part. How are reporters suppose to understand what type of emotions Cams going through after a game and whether or not hes upset if he just storms away angry because hes so emotional and upset without expressing these emotions of how upset he is in a verbal manner?
Kind of ironic that Cam didnt want to stand up and face the music after the game, when coudn't be bothered to leave his feet to cover up a lose ball during it. Last offseason, Cam basically won a huge lawsuit against his owner by extorting him for $103 million dollars in a new 5-year mega-deal. And if Mr. Newton were as quick to jump on a fumble as he were to swan dive onto the signature line of his contract, he'd be worth every penny of it.
But here's a bottom line that Newton should understand- if your going to be paid like a Superbowl winning QB, you better make damn sure you win like one. He's developing a reputation as being a copycat Marshawn Lynch. First he stole Marshawns idea of being rude to NFL reporters all week, and then proceeded to copy Lynch's idea of quitting football during the 3rd quarter of the Superbowl. Guys just unbelevable.
This weeks pay is: REFUND THE FANS (and reporters)
69 of the week: I love it when you call me big Papa
Reader Mailpail: Super Bowl takes texted to readers from their parents: