During the Super Bowl, the nation met this dude:
He's in an ad for some sort of medicine that helps you poop. He's been in ads for a while, but a lot of people watching the Super Bowl claimed they'd never seen him before. I actually know the name of the medicine, but unless they pay our parent company Vox Media $5 million like they paid CBS, I'm not going to mention it in this article.
This guy is, so far as I can tell, a walking intestine. His body is made of intestines, his arms and legs are intestines, his face is the end of an intestine with a hole at the end of it.
This in and of itself is disgusting, but doesn't frighten me a lot. What does frighten me about this anthropomorphic intestine is that he also poops. In fact, he needs to poop really badly.
Humans use our intestines to make poop. They serve as tubes transporting what used to be food from our stomach to our butt, and along the way our intestines absorb all the remaining nutrients from the ex-food until it becomes poop.
But this guy is entirely made of intestines. How is it possible that an organism entirely made of intestines also makes poop?
Here are our best guesses:
1. He is just intestines
My first theory is that he is able to poop because, well, he's an intestine. Intestines create poop.
But I don't think this is the case because he clearly has other organs. He has eyes and functioning arms and legs. Both would imply he has a brain, which means he's not just intestines.
Plus, intestines can't fully digest food. They can only absorb nutrients from the partially digested semifluid left after your stomach gets done with food. So if this guy is all intestines, he needs a stomach somewhere to feed him partially digested food.
2. He has a separate digestive system inside of his body
This guy has a brain, so it's entirely plausible he has a fully functioning body. He passes food through his mouth, it goes into his stomach, goes into his own intestines (which are different from his body, which is made out of intestines) and then he poops it out. Also, he grabs his mid-back when he needs to poop, which is something a human might do. We feel pain in our mid-backs when our colons are stuffed with too much poop.
Just one problem, though.
The guy doesn't appear to have a butt. We poop out of our butts, but there's no place where the poop can come out of this guy. Just a bunch of tubes, none of which have loose ends. If he has a fully functioning digestive system, where's does the poop come out?
3. He poops out of his mouth
So let's assume this guy has a fully functioning digestive system. But there's no place for the poop to come out! Maybe it's his hands, which appear to be loose intestinal tubing?
That's a no.
Maybe it's his feet? It would make gravitational sense for poop just to shoot out the bottoms of his feet.
That's also a nope.
There's only one logical answer: Food goes into his body, it passes around in his intensely knotted body, and then comes out through the same hole it came in. It's entirely possible that he has one gullet for taking in and one pipe for getting rid of fecal matter, both of which use the same orifice.
4. He just seeps poop
With no obvious hole besides his mouth, it's possible that poop just oozes out of his body from between his tubing.
A lot of you probably think this post was pretty disgusting. Sure, I agree. I've spent about an hour straight thinking about poop, and it's totally gross.
But it's not that much more disgusting than putting an intestine with diarrhea on our screens during the biggest television event of the year. The people who made this ad implied that this monster really needed to take a crap. We're just trying to connect point A to its horrible, horrible point B.