So, the most interesting character on The Bachelor got eliminated blah blah blah blah blah yeah we'll talk about that eventually but first and most importantly: THE ATTACK OF THE SWIMMING PIGS
Surprisingly, these women being followed and harassed by pigs are not part of a documentary about Twitter. They're the contestants from The Bachelor, and they went to the pig island!
If y'all don't know about the pig island, you should learn about the pig island. It's one of the two places I want to visit most in the world, right next to the rabbit island. Basically, there's a gorgeous uninhabited island in the Bahamas that's inhabited exclusively by pigs. Nobody is quite sure how they got there -- maybe they were abandoned by one-time inhabitants, maybe they escaped from a ship, maybe they were shipwrecked -- but they're not leaving anytime soon. There are no major land predators on these islands, so these pigs just relax on the beach all day and wait for humans to come on boats and give them food.
This week, those humans were the cast of The Bachelor! Let's see how they enjoyed it!
Let's see how Ben thinks they liked it!
Personally, I don't know why these girls didn't enjoy it -- my dream dates all involve feral animal attacks -- but mysteriously, nobody seems to have had fun on the pig island.
So, anyway, this episode was filmed in the Bahamas. It was filmed right in the middle of Atlantic hurricane season, which isn't exactly ideal Bahamas time. But it makes for DOPE shots of contestants struggling with their heart and emotions and feelings.
"Hey, Ben, we're going to need you to put on a suit and stare dramatically into the ocean for a bit. Cool?"
This comes into play when Ben takes Olivia and Emily on a two-on-one date, FROM WHICH ONLY ONE CAN RETURN.
My personal favorite thing about The Bachelor is that at least once per season, the bachelor or bachelorette will take a contestant to a starkly beautiful location, break up with them and then just LEAVE. In this case, Ben and Emily hop into a boat while Olivia remains stranded on her island.
The producers do a great job ensuring you can't see any camera people on the island or any backup boat or any sign that there is any chance of escape for the person who has just been dumped.
And the camera pulls away ...
And away, until she is but a speck.
In Greek mythology, lore told which mythical women and monsters lived on which islands -- where you could find Circe, where you could find the sirens, where you would have to watch out for Scylla and Charibdis. Similarly, I like to imagine that if you were to travel the world, you would find the abandoned, scorned women of Bachelor seasons past.
The good news is Olivia said she didn't really like talking to the other girls and preferred reading. She'll have plenty of time to do that while stranded on that rock forever and ever and ever and ever.
THE BACHELOR POWER RANKINGS
(Remember, these aren't power rankings of who will win, but rather power rankings of who will actually win by getting invited onto further Bachelor-related TV shows and therefore continue living in a semi-vacation with free booze and appear on TV often enough to get enough Instagram followers that you can make side money hawking beauty products.)
Every episode of this show so far has actually been about Olivia.
She was the show's most gifted schemer, and irritated the hell out of every other contestant. Olivia was naturally great at talking on camera because her job is talking on camera. Her discussions of other women sounded less like your typical reality TV show banter and more like she was cutting a wrestling promo. (She actually said COME AT ME, BRO this week.) And more than any other contestant, she insisted that she was IN LOOOOOOVE with Ben and ready to marry him.
Maybe it was real, but she seems generally smarter and more interesting than Ben. (To quote Olivia last night: "Deep intellectual things are my jam" and "I wanna talk SMART THINGS.") It seems rather plausible somebody who is very good at talking on camera might understand how to use talking on camera for her benefit.
Either way, I'm not really sure what they're going to do now to make this show interesting now that Olivia is gone. Are we going to have to listen to boring-ass Ben say things? Jesus. Anything but that.
This week in FAILED! POWER! MOVES! Leah:
- Tells Ben that Lauren B. acts differently around the girls than she does around him, a classic Bachelor power play, even though Lauren B. seems pretty nondescript around everybody
- Blatantly lies about it to everyone, and such obvious, poor lying that a director would tell an actor to tone it down a bit
- Sneaks off to Ben's hotel room to privately confront him about Lauren B.'s disingenuousness, which so far as we can tell is completely made-up
- Gets told by Ben that she should leave
It's this type of over-the-top unnecessary scheming that earns somebody an invite to another season of The Bachelor. Congrats, Leah, on your trip to the Bahamas and well-executed elimination.
3. Lauren H.
Lauren H. didn't find love with Ben, as she was eliminated Monday night, but who cares. She found a piglet, and honestly, she's better off.
That adorable little piglet will grow up to have a hilarious, rambunctious personality, and, well, Ben is a software salesman. Stick with the piglet.
We started out with 28 women. By my count, 16 of these women were brunettes, 11 were blondes, have dyed blonde hair, or have a blonde ombre, and one was a redhead. Let's take a look at who was eliminated by the start of this week's episode.
Ben eliminated 15 of 16 brunettes and only three of the 11 blondes, and he only eliminated one of those three. That's a brunette elimination rate of 93.75 percent percent, and a blonde success rate of 27.27 percent. And the lone redhead got eliminated on the first night.
So, we watched a bunch of episodes with drama! And scandal! And intrigue! And INFIGHTING!!! but really what we were watching was just a guy who likes blonde women whittling down all the non-blonde women.
Good luck Caila! You're the last remaining brunette. Just know that if you are eliminated, it's not because Ben thinks you're a bad person or whatever -- it's because your stupid hair has too much melanin in it. Should've thought of that before falling in love, I guess.
Turns out this is a real person and not just an identical twin!
6. Lauren B.
Honestly, the plot line of Leah and Lauren's feud was tough to follow because they look more alike than any two contestants that aren't identical twins.
Ben's blonde strategy makes life difficult for the rest of us.
I'm not sleeping on Becca's ability to make it onto a third season of The Bachelor.
Rooting for her to be The Bachelorette just so she can sing "Get Out (Leave)" to every guy she eliminates.
No mention of kids this week. Cannot be sure she still has kids.
Jennifer left this show after saying about 15 words, and none of those words IDENTIFIED WHAT SMALL BUSINESS SHE OWNED. IF YOU'RE LISTED AS A SMALL BUSINESS OWNER, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SORT OF SMALL BUSINESS YOU OWN! IS IT A RESTAURANT? A BARBER SHOP? DO YOU SELL BOUTIQUE DOGS? ARE YOU A KALE FARMER? DO YOU SELL KALE? DO YOU OWN A KALE-CENTRIC BAKERY?
IS IT A WEED DISPENSARY? DO YOU OWN A REGIONAL BANK? THAT WOULD QUALIFY AS A SMALL BUSINESS.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE? ARE YOU DOING SOMETHING ILLEGAL? ARE YOU A HITWOMAN? ARE YOU IN COUNTERFEITING? DO YOU KIDNAP PEOPLE'S CHILDREN AND HOLD THEM FOR RANSOM? THEY'RE NOT LEGAL, BUT THEY'RE BUSINESSES.
Until further notice, I have to assume that Jennifer kidnaps people's children and holds them for ransom. But she's not on the show anymore, so I guess it doesn't matter.