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The Dave Bracket, explained

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Need a guide to The Dave Bracket? Well you're in luck.


DAVID ARQUETTE
is perhaps the only world champion of any sport who didn't want to be champion. As the sun was setting on the now-defunct WCW, Arquette found his way into storylines to promote his wrestling film, Ready 2 Rumble. A wrestling fan himself, Arquette correctly guessed that fans would hate a non-wrestler champion of wrestling, but was talked into a storyline that led him to take the belt in a fluke series of events. He held the belt for two shows after that; during one of them, he hid backstage and tried to give the belt away. David Arquette was also in some films, pro wrestling is a sport, and "kayfabe" is a special move where you don't actually hit the guy but make the hitting noise.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH's voice is one of the least mistakable of all time, due in large part to chuckleheaded attempts to parody him by trotting out any roughly British-sounding guy. Such pale attempts only underscore how irreplaceable Attenborough actually is. Here's three minutes of him clowning on a sloth.

DAVID BOWIE is on this bracket.

DAVID CARR v. DAVID CHANG is among the most compelling first-round tilts. David Carr is a lesson in self-sacrifice. He was sacked 249 times over his first five seasons in Houston. Over the course of his career, he was sacked for about 11 percent as many yards as he passed for, which might make you sad if you think about it for too long. Instead, think of David Chang, the populist superstar and culinary genius. One of the most satisfying meals of my life was a bowl of ramen at his noodle bar. Wasn't that good? I mean, I was the one to eat it and not you, but still, wasn't it good?

DAVE CHAPPELLE provided some of the sharpest, most unsparing comedy of our generation, and it was lost on legions of dummies who laughed for the wrong reasons and missed the point entirely.

I will certainly not endorse DAVID CROSS unconditionally, but he is responsible for the "104 blaglock" stand-up bit and co-responsible for Mr. Show, and no amount of "there's some real oddballs in religion!" can take that away from him.

LARRY DAVID co-created a sitcom that can be watched and cackled at 25 years later, a near-impossible feat. He also found the inspiration for Curb Your Enthusiasm's score from a dang bank commercial, thereby finding perfection where he absolutely should never have found it.

DAVID FINCHER directed The Game, and that's a real neat movie!

DAVID "DEACON" JONES tackled the quarterback so hard and so many times that his word for it became the legal word for it.

There is far more to say about DAVID LETTERMAN than this arbitrary story: the first time I remember ever seeing his show, he was scooting through the NBC lobby in a rolling desk chair. As he's rolling by, he yells over his shoulder to the desk man, "it's okay, I'm Bob Barker!" I was eight or nine and had no idea who Bob Barker was, and I giggled my ass off.

DAVID LYNCH.

DAVID ROBINSON is reminisced upon less often than his fellow '90s NBA greats, which I guess is what you get for being amazing as shit forever. It's not all that appropriate to regard Tim Duncan as David Robinson 2.0, but the Spurs were Robinson's team and then they were Duncan's, and the two of them have led a dynasty that has missed the playoffs just once since 1989. Twenty-seven years. Sometimes I go to the Spurs' franchise page on Basketball-Reference just to stare at it.

DAVID SCHWIMMER. nyaw maan. aw commooonnnnnn. rachawl! rachawl i lohhve you! comoowwwwwn

DAVE THOMAS. Architect of a corporation that made a truly good identical food more times than any other entity in history. Of course Wendy's isn't the best fast food in the game, of course it isn't, but they make a legitimately good burger, and they've made ...

... uh, 50 million customers a month, some folks don't buy a burger but some buy two, let's say they make an average of a burger per person, times 12, that's 600 million a year, times 16, that's 9.6 billion, there's been a few months in 2016 so far, let's kick it up to 10 billion ... that's 10 billion Wendy's burgers sold this century, and let's say they're an average of two inches tall ... If you stacked up all those burgers on top of one another, they would be as tall as a three-story building!

DAVE WINFIELD was drafted by Major League Baseball, the NFL, the NBA and the ABA. He skipped the minor leagues entirely and ended up in the Hall of Fame. Late in his career, he was traded for dinner. Has said on the record that he has "no problem with Bruce Springsteen," which is precisely the appropriate amount of enthusiasm to express toward Bruce Springsteen.