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11 reasons why someone would take 11 different PEDs

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An Italian Rugby player by the name of Davide Vasta recently tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. Eleven different types of them. It's an incredible feat, considering that he somehow managed to survive having almost a dozen different types of powerful and contrasting agents in this body. This list is as follows:

  • Testosterone
  • Boldenone
  • Drostanolone
  • Mesterolone
  • Methandienone
  • Methasterone
  • Methyldienolone
  • Stenbolone
  • Metabolite
  • Clomiphene metabolite
  • 19-noretiocholanolone
  • 19-norandrosterone

I'll admit that I have no idea what most of these, beyond testosterone, really are. But it prompted me into asking some serious questions: like, why exactly would someone be taking 11 different types of PEDs? What could they be preparing for? Given the nature of rugby, a few PEDs and painkillers are understandable but almost a dozen of them seems like he's building up for something much more epic. So, here's 11 things I think are events for which such a high amount of drugs might be reasonable preparation.

1. He's about to fight God. In which case I don't think he's taking enough drugs but 11 seems like a good starting point.

2. He's trying to win an argument with his significant other. This I can actually understand: one needs all the stamina and power in the world when engaged in a such a taxing fight. He will surely lose, but with all of those drugs in him, he has the chance to at least extend the exchange into the later rounds and make it competitive, at which point he'll be asked whether he wants to be right or he wants to sleep in the bed tonight. Then he will accept defeat graciously.

3. He's trying to fight Jesus on Easter. Have you seen some of the ways Jesus is depicted on the cross? Looks like he's been doing bicep curls with stone tablets and sit-ups while suspended from the gates of heaven. And if he's anything like a Saiyan -- which we can only rightfully assume that he is -- he'll be much stronger now that he's coming back from the dead.

4. He's left the League of Shadows and is headed to Gotham to defeat Batman and burn the city. Fair enough. Just watch out for Catwoman.

5. He's preparing to fight Superman. Ben Affleck had to sacrifice his career (again) and wear a special suit with glowing eyes for this. But my only suggestion here is that the focus is off. It's not Superman who is the enemy, but Zack Snyder. So, rather than fight the Man of Steel, Davide here needs to use all the power afforded to him by all 11 drugs to stop Snyder from ruining another movie.

6. He just heard Ultralight Beam for the first time. That song gives you the inspiration and belief that you could lift mountains. I can't fault a man for seeking the strength to accomplish that feat. I'll shield your name, Davide.

7. He's trying to turn into a Kaiju. Pacific Rim 2 is still slated to be released in Aug. 2017 and while that's still a while away, I'd assume the process to become a Kaiju takes time and he's starting now, so he can be ready. Taking the initiative: admirable, to say the least.

8. He's running for President of the United States. Who among us wouldn't vote for a president who looks like the Incredible Hulk? Right? Exactly.

9. He's fighting Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania. This speaks for itself. Brock Lesnar looks like a bunch of gym equipment that's fused together and learned human speech.

10. He's meeting up with an Internet troll. You can only tell a man to go fuck himself from the safety of an egg avi for so long before he descends to madness and pumps himself full of PEDs in preparation to break you in half.

11. He REALLY wants to be great at Rugby. Which sucks because he doesn't seem to even have a Wikipedia page. So, he's taking all of these drugs to be average. If you're flirting with death like this, at least be good enough to have your own Wikipedia page.

That's all I have. I can't fathom any other reason why someone would treat their body as if they're Deadpool in the basement lab. But it is a testament to human physiology that he didn't spontaneously combust. That much I'll give him. Taking 11 PEDs and surviving? Impressive.