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Uncle Chaps grades the top prospects in the 2016 NFL Draft

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The ultimate NFL insider offers his take on the eight best players in the draft this year.

One of the biggest problems with Twitter nowadays is that everybody in the world thinks that they can be a scout. That's just not the case.

Just because you have a YouTube account and access to the Internet, you believe that you can do the job of professionals like me. Let me tell you something: you can't.

I have poured literally hours of my professional career into writing Chaps' Draft Guide. I have watched all the cut-ups, read all the news articles about every single player in college football this year, and talked to girlfriends, grandmothers, bros and everybody in between.

When you post your silly little mock draft with your silly little hashtags, you don't know things that I know. You can't be an expert like I'm an expert. If everybody could be an expert, then everybody with a Twitter account would be asked to come testify when there is a murder trial. But that's not what happens is it? There are only a select few of us that have the knowledge to be scouts. They don't just let anybody have the NFL shield behind their avatar. They don't just let anybody put NFL.com in their profile on Twitter.

* * *

OK, let's get on to this year's draft. Those of you who subscribe to my draft guide know that my favorite players to watch are the good ones. Watching bad players is the absolute worst.

For example, in 2014 I watched three plays from Johnny Manziel. Boring stuff. I could tell that he'd be knee-deep in Coachella and job applications instead of his playbook in the summer of 2016.

I even said at the time that Manziel would look like a college freshman who's had diarrhea for six straight weeks. He will dip below 180 el bees and get some weird yogi-style tattoos or something. My final note said, "Manziel is the type of player that I would absolutely pound the table against, but I'd wipe the table off first because getting cocaine out of the carpet is rough."

Who is this year's Manziel? You'll have to get the full draft guide for that one, bubba. I'm not giving away all the milk for free.

Anyway, back to the point. Instead of giving you a bunch of clichés like all the other "scouts," I'm gonna give you some real talk (trademark sign). Oh, and by the way, I don't actually type these articles. I speak them because I'm busier than you can possibly imagine. So sometimes, things like emojis won't actually show up. I don't have the time nor the inclination to go back and add these things. Just trying to keep it one hundred emoji.

TOP PLAYERS {or are they}:

1. Myles Jack, LB, UCLA: Oh, hell yes. Myles is the real deal. Some talent evaluators are saying that he doesn't have any knees left. NEWS FLASH: He does. Myles can fly around like a young Aladdin and teams like Jacksonville are rubbing their little lamps hoping that Jack will fall to pick No. 5.

Myles can play literally any position on the field except for tackle, guard, center, guard, tackle, tight end (maybe), nose tackle, three-technique, five-technique and place kicker. Besides those, he can play literally any position on the field. Myles Jack, so hot right now. Myles Jack.

2. Jalen Ramsey, CB, FSU: Unlike Myles Jack who can play any position on the field, Ramsey is caught between playing corner and safety. The old saying remains true: "If you have two positions, you have none." I'm concerned with Ramsey's inability to find a position and stick to it. You want a player coming in as a top-five pick to have a clearly defined role. Ramsey is not the player people think he is. Sad!

3. Laremy Tunsil, OT, Southern Miss Rebels: Before we really get started, people have been mispronouncing Laremy's name for years. It's a soft "L" at the beginning. It's pronounced like "Jeremy."

Anyway, Tunsil has been called the most complete tackle prospect since Luke Joeckel (who sucks by the way. HUGE compliment there, nerds) and I agree. Unlike Eric Fisher, Luke Joeckel and Greg Robinson, Laremy might not be completely terrible. Congrats, San Diego. A player who might not be awful is going to protect your new quarterback in 2018.

As an aside, it's surprising that the Titans traded out of the first pick. Most (not me) assumed that he'd be a cornerstone for their team, but I guess they developed ...

**sunglasses emoji**

... Tunsillitis.

4. Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State: First of all, let me give a special 4/20 shoutout to Bosa. Enjoy it, bruh! Bosa is going to be a really good player when he's not suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policy. If it weren't for his huge frame (which is surprising given how much Lean he drinks) and unnatural athletic ability, Bosa would be in the Hills of West Virginia on his way to being the next Popcorn Sutton.

Good lord. How many prospects are there? This is taking forever. Babe, get me another coffee, please. SB Nation said that they wanted to have all of this done before Wednesday, but I told them "not without my coffee."

Thanks, honey.

5. Carson Wentz, Quarterback (lol), North Dakota: No small-school quarterback has ever been good in the NFL, and it's not going to change now. I mean, North Dakota? Come on. This is a joke right? Look, it's been since 1997 that a non-Power 5 quarterback has started a game in the NFL and now people expect a guy from North Dakota to go No. 1 overall? THREE crying emojis

6. Ezekiel Elliott, RB, Ohio State: Anyone who calls out Urban Meyer for being a loser is okay in my book. The Ohio State player, who won a championship in high school by the way, knew what he was doing when he called out completely unproven coach Urban Meyer after a terrible loss earlier this season. Urban Meyer has the name of a preschooler and should be treated as such. I'm surprised that Elliott was able to hold his tongue for as long as he did. I have a lot of respect for a young man who has that much self-control. Sure, Urban has coached several national championship teams, but he was never a first-round pick. Ezekiel will be. Advantage, Elliott.

7. Cardale Jones, QB, Ohio State: LOLOLOL just kidding. Cardale sucks, but he did get this tattoo of my friend Cecil the Lion so he has my respect off the field.

cecil

8. Jared Goff, QB, University of California: Look. I didn't want to put any quarterbacks on this list because this class of quarterbacks is straight-up terrible. One of the rules of NFL media is that we are contractually obligated to write about quarterbacks, even when the quarterbacks are awful. No one in the media likes it, but rules are rules.

If Goff were a Little League pitcher in my day (three-time All-City Player in Green Cove Springs, Florida), I would have taken his noodle arm stuff deep into the right field seats. That's right. His stuff is so subpar that I would have taken that trash oppo. Bat Flip City.

Philadelphia better hope that the Rams take Goff with the first overall pick. Wentz might actually work out in Philadelphia because, for the first time in recorded history, moving to Philly might be an upgrade for a person. It's going to seem like a vacation for the two years that Carson Wentz is in the NFL. LOL, owned.

That's it, y'all. Gonna keep this Top Player thing very MySpace and just do a top 8.