On Monday morning, Richie Incognito teased some big news.
Wait for it ...
T - Minus 10 minutes until your lives are changed FOREVER!— Richie Incognito (@68INCOGNITO) June 13, 2016
Wait for it ....
THERE. Incognito entered the Apple iPhone app space and filled the vacant market for All Things Richie Incognito. The description promises “the latest news and information regarding your favorite Pro Bowl offensive linemen from the Buffalo Bills” but also an "interactive community, music, videos, early access to music, tours and events and much more” in case Richie embarks on a solo career.
In its current state, however, the app is pretty much just Richie’s Twitter feed with tabs for “media” and “exclusive,” which I think is also just his Twitter feed but with fewer tweets in it. “Media” contains “phtots.”
I played with the app some more and found the “interactive community” portion. I thought it’d be a place to discuss things about Richie Incognito, like how good he is at blocking and probably not that time he ceaselessly bullied one of his own teammates. Instead I found something even better: A leaderboard where everyone could compete to prove their love for Richie Incognito by earning points. I signed up and immediately vaulted into 10th place.
I downloaded the richie incognito app and am now the 10th biggest richie incognito fan in the world ama pic.twitter.com/psac5fiYoS— Louis Bien (@louisbien) June 13, 2016
I’ll be honest with you: I’m not actually that big a fan of Richie Incognito. To say I’m one of his top 10 fans is laughable, really. There are very real fans of Richie Incognito much more deserving of this honor than I am. But stick a climbable leaderboard in front of me and I will stop at nothing to get to the top. You know the game Centipede? I played it all the time in high school not because I liked it, but because it was in the section of the arcade with all the other old games, and by some combination of my odd facility for the game and the fact that no one played it, I was able to hold the No. 1 spot on Centipede for years.
The first step to becoming the biggest Richie Incognito fan in the world was figuring out the game. I noticed that connecting my Twitter account to the app gave me an easy 100 points, so I connected my Instagram and Facebook accounts, too. Success!
now the No. 6 Richie Incognito fan in the world. I am filled with determination pic.twitter.com/hxtDJiSnNV— Louis Bien (@louisbien) June 13, 2016
I was still well behind the world’s No. 1 Richie Incognito fan, however, so I started experimenting with that app. I noticed that liking Richie’s exclusive content gave me 10 points, but he only had one post so that tab was hardly a wellspring. Then I discovered an untapped font of RichiePoints: His favorite jamz.
I’m showing you this four-song playlist because, as a reader, you may have strong opinions on it. I listened to the first song and, I’ll be honest, didn’t much care for it. But to each his or her own! What was more important to me was the revelation that, if I liked each of these songs, I could earn 10 points a pop for a total of 40 points.
I jumped up to fourth place after liking Richie’s jamz, setting me up for my final move. By connecting my YouTube profile to the app, I earned another 100 points, and cleared the former No. 1 Richie Incognito fan by some distance.
I did it. I'm the biggest Richie Incognito fan in the world. There is no enlightenment. Thank you this was stupid. pic.twitter.com/Jn8rRjXr6s— Louis Bien (@louisbien) June 13, 2016
I played the leaderboard perfectly, assuming I had any opponents at all. If I had connected my YouTube account earlier, I might have been spotted on my climb, just a few points from the top. By waiting, only the most attentive Incognitiacs could possibly notice my movements, and even then they would have had to have knowledge of my tricks to stop me. I was too cunning.
Unlike my bygone Centipede days, I don’t plan on trying to hold on to the top spot. Frankly, I’m anxious to disconnect my social media accounts from the app for the peace of mind that one less thing has access to my life. I may even delete the app — some surely desire up-to-the-second Richie Incognito updates, but not I.
If you love or even just like Richie Incognito, you will probably enjoy this app. Or if you, too, would like to climb the leaderboard and perhaps hold some place in Richie’s heart, if only for a little while, then you too should download this app. For everyone else, the official Richie Incognito app is difficult to recommend, especially with things like typos marring the experience.
FINAL SCORE: 3 *** stars out of 5 *****