ESPN’s Darren Rovell tweeted that, for six days on this beautiful Earth of ours, Wrigley Field will be selling a new food item courtesy of two Chicago food staples, Vienna Beef and Giordano’s. For some reason, they both agreed to make this "deep dish Chicago-style dog pizza:
Vienna Beef & Giordano's have teamed up to make a Deep Dish Chicago Style Dog Pizza. Sold at Wrigley from July 15-20 pic.twitter.com/0kNtJQMuHs— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) July 14, 2016
Let me start by saying I love Chicago. I was born and raised here, and am proud the teams that play here, even though a few of them make questionable decisions that leave me in despair. The food here is excellent. Vienna Beef’s Chicago-style hot dogs are delicious, and the same goes for Giordano’s (and really, any place that makes deep dish pizzas like Lou Malnati’s and Pequods). I’ve defended deep dish pizza after former-Bull-now-Spur Pau Gasol insulted it last December, saying it’s just a "cake of melted cheese," like that’s a bad thing, who the hell wouldn’t eat a cake of melted mozzarella cheese, you monster? I’m glad you’re off the Bulls, you don’t deserve this pizza, etc.
But then this happens, and I start questioning whether my city has gone too far. And the answer is yeah, we’ve gone too far. This pizza looks miserable. It looks like the aftermath of a Giordano’s delivery person running into a Vienna Beef hot dog cart, and the condiments of the cart landed on the pizza, and the person panicked because they were so close to their destination, and they didn’t feel like going back and getting a new pizza that was paid from their own pockets as an apology, so they said "fuck it" and gave the hot dog pizza mess to the customer, and that person was also like "fuck it" and ate the pizza anyway, and then the customer contacted both Vienna Beef and Giordano’s and said, "Hey, your employees had an accident with my pizza, but I kinda liked it, so why don’t you both team up and appease me?" And they both said, "Sure!" and somehow tricked the Chicago Cubs into running with this idea that food mashups are always good, and they’re wrong because look at this cavalcade of unhappy food from the Braves.
What are we even doing anymore?