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We need to talk about Cam Newton’s fancy hat and Sisqo-like goatee

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Some days I wake up and thank the good Lord above for a few things. Most days the list is composed of: Popeyes, the good city of Philadelphia, Joe Budden rap beefs and brown liquor. But on this day, my praise goes back to one of the greatest humans that has ever graced this earth: Cameron Newton. Observe.

That’s right, fam. Mean muggs all day. That’s the hell right.

Lemme get that front angle.

Cam don’t give a damn about what you have to say about how fly his hat is. Cam don’t give a damn that he’s wearing an Urban Outfitters brand tank top that I may also own in my closet in several varieties. And Cameron Newton surely does not give one damn that you think he isn’t fly as hell because he dyed the bottom of his goatee.

Matter fact, he Sisqo’d it. He Sisqo’d it so hard it could be on the 1999 "Unleash The Dragon" album cover.


Cam basically took Kung Lao’s hat from Mortal Kombat II and replaced the razor sharp edges with frills. He’s our modern day Prince and you won’t tell me otherwise. All shade to Russell Westbrook and his brand.

You might be thinking "oh Cam looks like a clown for doing that. I hate Cam Newton. I’m going to send mean, lowkey racist letters about him to my local newspaper." Oh yeah? Well first of all you suck. Secondly, Thomas Davis thought that same thing and then caught a world of hurt.


Don’t come for Cam. Omar told you fools in The Wire way back in Season 1: "come for the King, you best not miss." And here we are. Cam Newton, wunderkind supergod with a Dragon Ball Z Krillin destructo disk on his head that he’s passing for a hat and vanilla ice cream goatee, is here.

And if you try him, he will show up at your local Walgreens and beat your ass until you apologize. This is not the year of the Monkey according to the Chinese Zodiac. This is the year of the Cam.

This is the reason why the Carolina Panthers didn’t go 16-0 last year. But all that is over now. Patron Saint Cam Newton is here to stay and y’all better start praying and counting your blessings.