Bill Belichick would be a horrible doctor

Bill Belichick is a football coach. He’s not a doctor. We know this because Bill Belichick told everyone on Tuesday that he is not one.

With a little practice, a doctor could be halfway decent at calling football plays. It takes a razor-sharp mind with a feeling for timing and calmness under pressure. These are qualities most doctors possess. This is to say that I believe a doctor could become a football coach with training.

Belichick on the other hand, has none of the qualities you would ever want in a doctor. The mere idea of him being a medical professional is terrifying for a few very good reasons.

Belichick enjoys bending the rules.

The Patriots are so good, in part, because Belichick knows the precise lengths he can bend certain rules to his advantage. There’s this term in gaming called “changing the meta,” in which a player or team finds an exploit they can tweak to their advantage. It’s so effective that the game itself changes, or everyone follows suit. That’s Bill Belichick.

Transpose that to the medical profession. Do you really want a doctor with a loose interpretation of the Hippocratic oath? “Do no harm, eh? Well, what if the SCALPEL does the harm?”

Getting a diagnosis from Bill Belichick would be the worst thing ever.

Patient: How bad is it doc?

Belichick: I’m just focused on the next procedure.

Patient: But, my biopsy? What did it show?

Belichick: We learned some things, but I’m just focused on the next procedure.

Patient: Is that MY next procedure? Do I need to have something else done?

Belichick: I know you’re just doing your job. I’m trying to do mine.

Patient: You’re not, though. I just need to know what the scan showed.

Belichick: It’s a short week. I’m just trying to prepare my team for Thursday in Houston. That’s where all my focus is right now. I think you’ll understand that.

Patient: What’s in Houston? Do I need to travel to Houston?

Belichick: Look, I know you want answers, but I’m going to prepare the same way I prepare every week.

Patient: I’m going to die, aren’t I?

Belichick: It’s day-to-day.

A prescription from him would be a nightmare.

All your medical procedures would be filmed without your consent.

You knew this was coming.

Belichick would never wear scrubs.

There’s that fleeting moment where you’re still aware of your surroundings after being given anesthetic before you finally pass out. Imagine that the last thing you see if a surgeon wearing a Patriots’ hoodie scrubbing in.

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Your doctors’ note would be vague and impossible to discern.

Dr. Belichick takes out your appendix. The surgery is successful. You need a note to give to work because Kenneth in HR can be a bit of a dick. Finally it comes through from Dr. Belichick’s office.

The note has no end date and is for an unspecified “toe injury.” You’re “questionable” to return to work for five years.

Thankfully none of this is possible. Bill Belichick is football coach of a darn good football team and has displayed no desires to ever be a doctor.

Pirate on the other hand ...