LaCroix is like the NFL of beverages—addicting and possibly overrated. Recently, America’s most-hyped carbonated drink also became our most customizable. Nelson Cash, a Chicago-based creative studio, created an online LaCroix can generator that allows LaCroix diehards to create original models and flavors that can be downloaded in gif form. With the NFL season now underway, it seemed a timely fit to see what flavors fit for each of the league’s 32 teams.
New England Patriots
DeflateGrape - DeflateGrape actually uses raisins because we like our grapes with a little less air and a little more shrivel.
New York Jets
Fitzmagic - Strong enough to wash away any Buttfumble aftertaste. Cans are made from eco-friendly, biodegradable Fitzpatrick beard hairs.
Wide Right Sprite - Made from artisanal Scott Norwood tears, Wide Right Sprite is best consumed by drinking four cans in a row and then throwing up.
UnSuhweetened - A flavor as straight-forward and blunt as an Ndamukong cleat spike to the temple.
Sweet QB Elite - It tastes just like your feelings for Beltway Joe. That is, outside of Baltimore, it tastes like sweet, unadulterated adequacy.
Antonio Brown Ale- Catch this fine ale while you can and start twerkin’ through the steel curtain!
QB Medley - One ingredient for every QB in Cleveland history … We are chuckling at Dr. Pepper’s 23 flavor brag.
Perfect Burfict - It’s quite flavorful, but you won’t taste anything until a late hit to the taste buds at the end.
Peyton’s Sunday - The perfect companion to your chicken parm, kick back with Peyton’s Sunday and the 18 flavors that go into every can.
Maurice Jones Dew - As plump and robust as UCLA’s most prized bowling ball.
Wattermelon - Hard-hitting, Madison-imported melon.
Bunch of Mularkey - It’s what’s in Joe Biden’s cup at any debate. 15 percent alcohol by volume.
San Diego Chargers
Rivers of Sorrow - It tastes like Philip’s throwing motion. Gross.
Kansas City Chiefs
Tamba Jamba - A Liberian import, Tamba Jamba looks like a sea of red and will help you forget about having a game manager as your quarterback.
Jamarcus Juice - “I just sip the sizzurp/that right there can drive a No. 1 draft pick out of the league” - Kanye West
Vonilla Miller Lite - It takes two to tango, so let the flavor duet of “Vonilla” and light beer dance along your taste buds.
New York Giants
Manning Face - It tastes great in January and February. At any other time of the year, it tastes bad enough to leave you looking like sideline Eli.
Christmas in Philly - Something new to throw at Santa.
Coca-Cole Beasley - A real throwback but with a Texas twist. Comes in a smaller can than most other drinks.
Washington NFL Team
Hard Snyder Cider - Drink in moderation or you’ll turn into a real asshat.
Green Bay Packers
Discount Double Berry - The discount is because it tastes like moldy, rotten cheese.
Mega Gone - Detroit’s finest comes in a 15-ounce can, but the rest disappears after you drink the first nine ounces.
Ditkastache - Comes with a horrible tobacco aftertaste that’s BEAR-ly tolerable.
Bridge Water - Self-explanatory. Now with 50 percent less cartilage!
Matty Ice - This one’s a classic, but crack open a can and relive both your college days and the inevitable Falcons disappointment.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Muscle Hamster Milk - Power up just like the “Muscle Hamster” Doug Martin after your workout. Also how the movie G-Force came to be, so kind of a mixed bag here.
Panther Pop - Caffeine-packed and more jolting than Cam’s first week. You’ll be dabbing all day.
New Orleans Saints
Bounty-ful Harvest - Jonathan Vilma filed a lawsuit after seeing a dozen of these on a shelf at a grocery store.
CenturyPink Lemonade - We just made this so we wouldn’t get fined.
San Francisco 49ers
Cherry Jeff Garcia - San Jose Strong. This pun is already a pun that is being re-packaged as a new pun.
Los Angeles Rams
7-9 Up - Familiarize yourself with the taste of mediocrity. Product will be in circulation until Jeff Fisher shaves his mustache, gets fired, or both.
Carson Palmer - Arnold been trash!
(All images via Make My LaCroix)