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Jonez on Jonez: Cowboys did everything to make loss to Packers as painful as possible

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The four QBs remaining are proof that natural selection is real in the NFL playoffs.

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Divisional Round - Green Bay Packers v Dallas Cowboys Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images

Dragonfly Jonez is a full-time tweeter, a part-time podcaster and an aficionado of spicy Popeye’s drumsticks who will be offering NFL commentary this season.

And then there were four. Championship Sunday’s slate is set, and we’ve got a damn good final four lineup of Rodgers, Ryan, Brady, and Ben.

As is often the case with NFL playoffs, natural selection is only leaving the strongest, healthiest, and most well-rounded teams to advance while the banged-up teams and the teams with glaring weaknesses are cast to the wayside.

The team with the dinker and dunker quarterback is done. The team with perhaps the worst starting quarterback in the league never stood a chance. The team with the sidelined starting free safety and terrible O-line has been sent packing as well.

By this measure, the Packers with their injured No. 1 wideout, shaky O-line, and wide receiver who they moved to running back midseason should have fallen victim to gridiron Darwinism as well. But this did not happen because Aaron Rodgers does not adhere to the laws of nature. Those laws only apply to lifeforms that are of our planet.

Packers 34, Cowboys 31

Since Week 12, Rodgers has proven to us that even though he was born on our planet, he is not of this world. He is football’s Dr. Manhattan, a human who we thought had suffered his demise only to return as an omnipotent force capable of bending and shaping our reality in a way that is unfathomable to us and beyond our comprehension.

While Rodgers continues to defy the laws of probability, the Cowboys stuck to the script and saw their season ended in the typical Cowboys fashion that we have all grown accustomed to.

I tweeted that long before the game was over. The pain was coming. All of us knew the pain was coming. Except for Dallas fans.

And of course in true Dallas tradition, the Cowboys did everything in their power to make it as painful as possible. And I enjoyed every second of it.

I’m not sure what I enjoyed more: The Cowboys interception on Rodgers that was waved off due to pass interference and put Green Bay in field goal range? That was good.

The Cowboys icing Mason Crosby’s kick that looked good the whole time only for him to kick the game winner that looked off at first and gave Cowboys fans hope before ripping their hearts out and squeaking in between the uprights? That was delicious.

Rodgers combining with Jared Cook for one of the most phenomenal game-clinching completions in postseason history? Yeah. That might be the one.

Rodgers drew up Cook’s route on the fly in the huddle. The Cowboys have spent years building in the draft to get to where they are right now and Rodgers ended their season like an 11-year-old playing backyard ball. Rodgers took Dallas’ five-year plan and wiped his ass with it. At their place.

Over the past few years, there has been a calculated, gradual usurping of Jerry by his son, Stephen, that has reduced Jerry to virtually nothing more than a figurehead (Jerry wanted Manziel! Over All-Pro Zack Martin!). This looked to be the season when the fruits of Stephen’s arduous labor paid off. But nope! All of this was offset by Rodgers deciding to go Little Giants in the huddle when he drew up the play to end Dallas’ season. My heart is overflowing with joy at the thought of this.

Things get interesting now for Dallas moving forward. Dak and Zeke are nothing short of amazing and Dallas fans have good reason to be optimistic. As a Redacteds fan I remember how optimistic about the future I was after RG3’s and Alfred Morris’ rookie seasons. Then the 2013 season happened and NFL defensive coordinators showed me how little of a fuck they gave about my happiness.

Revisionist history leads plenty to view that 2012 Washington season as a one-man show jut starring Griffin. Washington was a team that leaned on the run in 2012 in the same capacity the 2016 Cowboys did. They were the both No. 1 rushing teams in the league in their respective seasons. Alfred Morris had 1,613 rushing yards. Zeke had 1,631. RG3 averaged 26 pass attempts a game. Dak averaged 29. Granted, RG3 was a zone-read quarterback and Washington’s O-line was nowhere near Dallas’.

This is about NFL defensive coordinators, however. NFL defensive coordinators figure players and schemes out quickly. Pocket quarterbacks aren’t an exception either. Nick Foles went from a 27:2 TD:INT season to Uncle Rico overnight. Defensive coordinators are going to be daring Dak to beat them with his arm next season. They didn’t know what throws Dak liked or what throws Dak could make this season. They know now.

Dak better be ready. A bunch of fat dudes in their 50s are going to be spending months in the dark eating Papa John’s pizza and watching film. And they’re coming.

Patriots 34, Texans 16

While I’m a bit unsure of what the future holds for Dak, the Texans proved to be predictable as ever. I tweeted this in September. We see this movie every year it seems.

Steelers 18, Chiefs 16

On to Arrowhead. The Chiefs had their season ended at home versus a team that didn’t even score a touchdown. With the season on the line, the Chiefs drew up a zone that had their best pass rusher matched up one-on-one with Antonio Brown.

The Chiefs won’t ever be shit and quite frankly I’m tired of them wasting our time. Even when they participate in a “good” game, it’s still pretty damn bad.

Falcons 36, Seahawks 20

The Falcons made light work of the Seahawks. The Falcons will now host the Packers because a dominating win obviously isn’t the fitting sendoff for the Georgia Dome. We need to send that place off right with the Falcons blowing a big lead in humiliating fashion. And with Rodgers being notoriously terrible while playing from behind, this would be a fitting demon for him to exorcise.

The stars are aligning for Dr. Manhattan.

Until next week, internet friends.