VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE (January 4, 2017): It has come to my attention — and by that I mean everyone I know has contacted me to bring this to my attention because they can’t believe I didn’t notice it — that there is an eighth takeaway in this photo. One I am embarrassed to have missed. And that eighth takeaway is what appears to be a joint in Trey Songz’s hand.
I love it. I’m here for Trey Songz’s supposed joint. As a boat expert, I highly recommend smoking weed on boats. In the words of Jeff Spiccoli:
Anyway, here were the seven original takeaways:
Look, I don’t want to do this anymore than you do (hah, that’s the biggest lie I’ve told this year, I live for this), but a bunch of Giants players recently flew to Miami, got on a boat, took their shirts off, kept their boots on, refused to smile, and took a picture. And now, thanks to the internet, that picture is in our lives.
There is a lot to unpack here, and it would be irresponsible not to, so let’s unzip this virtual suitcase of meaning and get into it.
1. Everyone is wearing boots or sneakers on this boat
There are many risks that come with wearing shearling-lined Timbs on a speedboat in Miami. These include, but are not limited to: getting said boots wet and ruining the suede AND the shearling, sweating profusely from the feet, and drowning due to the added weight if you fall overboard.
Also: I used to work on boats. I am therefore a boat expert. So please trust me when I tell you that combining salt water, hot boots, and sweaty feet in such close boat quarters smells like what I imagine came out of that smoldering pit in the third Lord of the Rings movie where everybody almost dies.
2. Seriously, look at all the boots on this boat:
Here is a sneaker:
3. Trey Songz is there
Hahahahahaha here is Trey Songz:
Why is Trey Songz there? Of all the people I could get to go on a boat with me if I were in a gaggle of famous football players, I’m not sure Trey Songz would be my first choice. Like, was this how getting Trey Songz on that boat went down?
Odell Beckham Jr.: “Man, we should get someone who isn’t a football player to come on this boat with us.”
Sterling Shepard: “Totally. Let’s see what Rick Ross is up to, he’s in Miami a lot, right? He likes taking his shirt off.”
Odell Beckham Jr.: “Nah, I was thinking of someone slightly more washed, like, oh, I don’t know, maybe Trey Songz.”
Sterling Shepard: “Great idea. Call him up, and tell him to wear those shorts that are slightly too long to be shorts but slightly too short to be capri pants.”
Odell Beckham Jr.: “On it.”
(According to the New York Daily News they were also hanging with Justin Bieber, though, so ...*shrug emoji*)
4. Why is no one wearing a life jacket?
Hello? Coast guard? At the risk of sounding like your mom, I would like to report dangerous behavior and extreme negligence on the part of the New York Giants because there is NARRY A PERSONAL FLOTATION DEVICE IN SIGHT!!!!
5. What kind of weird-ass boat is this?
The person who took this photograph is ostensibly standing on the bow (front) of the boat (boat), but that would mean that there’s a kind of bowsprit (stick-y out-y thing) on the bow (front), which is a weird thing for a power boat (boat) like this to have (possess).
5. Everyone looks pretty miserable
6. But no one looks as miserable as Trey Songz
7. Although, judging from Trey Songz’s Snapchat, he appeared to have a pretty good time
Trey Songz put up this instructional video where he plugs the services of his “guy” Francesco. It turns out that if you desire strippers, food, or “whatever” when you’re in Miami, just call Francesco, and he will bring them to you by jet ski.