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23 suggested excuses Roger Goodell can use to skip the Patriots Super Bowl

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“I have a ... thing ...”

NFC Championship - Green Bay Packers v Atlanta Falcons Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images

This Patriots-Falcons Super Bowl might end up being the most painful experience of Roger Goodell’s life. Going to Houston to watch the Patriots play after the whole Deflategate disaster is going to be worse for the commissioner than getting dry sockets after your wisdom teeth are yanked. In fact, Goodell, you might not want to check your Twitter mentions for a while — and by a while I mean, oh, maybe, EVER AGAIN — because trust me: I speak from experience when I say hell hath no fury like a Patriots fan scorned.

Given that Goodell didn’t seem super jazzed about the idea of going to Foxborough for the AFC Championship game — and by “not super jazzed” I mean “super didn’t show up” — and went to Atlanta instead, he’s probably dreading the trip to Texas. I have therefore come up with a few excuses the Commish can use to excuse himself:

  1. “Yeah, I have a ... thing ... “
  2. “I mean, Jane got us Hamilton tickets, and they’re super hard to come by. Yeah, I’m aware that Lin-Manuel’s not in it anymore, but still. After the women’s march I’ve just been really trying to put Jane first, you know?”
  3. “My car tires deflated.”
  4. “The Georgia Dome is actually a really great stadium. Have you been? You really should. I think I’ll just live-stream the game from there. In fact, I’m going to talk to Arthur about scrapping plans for the new stadium altogether. This place has character!”
  5. “My house in Maine got egged two weeks ago and I gotta go power wash the yolk off before it stains.”
  6. “I’m more of an NBA fan, to be honest?”
  7. “Russia called, they want to chat about an expansion league.”
  8. “Actually, Tom Brady took out a restraining order against me — not many people know this — and I legally can’t be there.”
  9. “I have to go to the second women’s march I’m planning.”
  10. “Sean Spicer has my statement, he’ll be out in five minutes.”
  11. “I lost my car keys.”
  12. Hamilton is not overrated.”
  13. “What if Seinfeld were still on TV?”
  14. “Don’t you think it’s a little weird that Matt Damon is a white guy starring in a movie about China?”
  15. “Dippin’ Dots is the ice cream of the future.”
  16. “I have to train my dog.”
  17. “I have to train my cat.”
  18. “My dog is dying.”
  19. “My cat is dying.”
  20. “My guinea pig is dying.”
  21. “My komodo dragon is dying.”
  22. “My ant farm spilled all over the floor.”
  23. “My iguana is dying.”
  24. “My iguana’s grandmother is really sick.”
  25. “I’m dead.”