Yo, Tom Brady needs to knock it off with this lifestyle shit. Seriously, the dude needs to stay in his lane: He’s a professional football player. He’s really good at playing quarterback. He might be the best at playing quarterback. And I’m proud of him, I truly am.
He’s done really well for himself, and my New England heart is eternally grateful for the hardware he’s brought home and the inspiration he’s provided to insufferable dudes wearing cargo shorts in Boston bars. I never feel as alive as I do when he runs for a few yards like a baby giraffe just figuring out how to walk. It’s my second-favorite thing he does, after lifting the Lombardi Trophy.
But lately, Brady’s been dabbling in side careers: the businesses of eating and sleeping. And I’m gonna need him to leave the eating and sleeping to the eating and sleeping professionals. People like me.
The reason I’m all in a tizzy about this right now is because last fall, Brady endorsed a line of mattresses, appearing in an ad where he’s meant to look like James Bond but mostly looks like he’s trying to dress like LeBron James and wants to make out with the little old concierge at a hotel:
Before the mattress ad came out, Brady announced he’d be selling TB12 snacks, which, as far as I can tell, are made of tree bark and the ground-up bones of his opponents. Before that, he put out the world’s most pretentious cookbook, which he called a “nutrition manual” and is mostly filled with recipes for shoving wheatgrass up your butt.
And now, my friends, now: He’s released a line of “sleepwear” with Under Armour. Sleepwear, for you plebes, is what rich people call pajamas, and pajamas are what adults call the nicer version of the ripped athletic shorts and sweatshirt you stole from your college boyfriend and still sleep in.
If you thought Brady’s cookbook was pretentious, well HOOO BOY, are you going to have a field day with the descriptions of the
sleepwear fucking pajamas he’s shilling. But first, let’s take a look at them:
These clothes looks like what a Russian aristocrat from the early 1900s would have slept in the night they got murdered. Villains from space movies go to bed wearing these things.
AND HE’S CHARGING $100 EACH FOR THE SHIRT AND THE PANTS!!!!!
(Although you can get the short-sleeve version and the shorts for a cool 80 bucks.)
Apparently, according to the website and the video, which is mostly dramatic shots of Tom Brady pretending to sleep, the
sleepwear fucking pajamas are made to “harness” the “Far Infrared,” which is a “type of energy on the infrared spectrum that has several benefits for the human body.” They have a “soft bioceramic ... print on the inside of the garment” that “absorbs the body’s natural heat and reflects Far Infrared back to the skin.”
Since those are just made-up words mashed together, let me try my hand at rewriting the marketing copy for this:
“The TB12 technology takes the gorkons from your zonkoids and reflects it back to your zyads to imprint the speculative radars into your biodemented spectrum.”
The worst part about these pajamas is that they come with an app to help track your sleep, as well as Tom Brady’s suggestions for how to sleep better, like the Tom Brady School for Kids Who Can't Sleep Good and Want to Do Other Stuff Good, Too:
1. “AIR QUALITY IS KEY: Keep your room clean. Contaminants like animal dander and dust restrict your breathing.”
Translation: Kill your pets before bedtime.
2. “KEEP THE NOISE DOWN: Create a quiet environment or use a sound masking / cancellation aid.”
Translation: Stay tuned for the TB12 sound cancellation aid which will cost 13 gazillion dollars, and will sell out in New England the day it’s released.
3. “WEAR ATHLETE RECOVERY SLEEPWEAR: It helps your body recover faster and promotes better sleep.”
Translation: Buy these wildly expensive
sleepwear fucking pajamas.
Look, I get that eating and sleeping are key parts of being a professional athlete. And all of Brady’s voodoo seems to be working for him. But when the tips he’s giving out are, “only eat avocados and ice cubes” and “a good night’s sleep will cost you at least $200,” it’s just like — no.
You wanna know a good way to sleep better? Drink. Take some melatonin. Buy ZzzQuil or whatever that non-cough syrup cough syrup is. See a therapist. Go to the doctor.
Because by pretending to be an eating and sleeping professional and giving out horrible tips like those above, Brady is doing a disservice to those of us who are actually eating and sleeping professionals. I’m a writer — do you know what that means? It means I spend most of my time eating stuff to procrastinate writing stuff and then going to sleep so I can have nightmares about my Twitter mentions once I finally write stuff.
Brady can put on football clinics. That’s totally fine. But when he starts trying to tell people how to eat and sleep, it’s like, c’mon man. Stick to sports.