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Matt Bonner made a retirement video and it's the most New England thing ever

Is this the best video that’s ever been on the internet?

I’ve been really homesick for New England today in Washington, D.C. The pangs first hit when I walked to work in Boston-levels of cold and I watched a driver flip another driver off, yelling, “fuck you, asshole!” near Logan Circle, which is kind of like a rotary, which there are a lot of in Massachusetts. Then Tom Brady didn’t make the NFL All-Pro team, and I was bummed that I couldn’t go to a Market Basket in Somerville, Mass., to hear people bitch about it. People bitching about Brady not getting respect is like a tape of ocean sounds if you’re from New England: soothing, familiar, a sleep aid.

So when New Hampshire’s prodigal son Matt Bonner, who played for the Raptors and then the Spurs up until last year, released this incredible New England-heavy retirement video on the Players’ Tribune website, it was like he knew I needed him.

I’ve watched this video 30 times since it was released an hour ago and cried twice. It’s become the balm to my wound, the security blanket to my sad inner child, the insulated foam cup to my Dunkin’ Donuts iced regular.

Check it out:

It’s got everything a homesick New Englander could ever want:

  • A New Hampshire accent.
  • A reference to Matt Damon in the first 20 seconds.
  • A flannel shirt.
  • A sub that looks a little stale and reminds me of the ones I used to get at this shitty pizza place in Belmont, Mass.
  • Snow.
  • A lake.
  • Bonner, sleeveless, sitting on a bench overlooking a scenic mountain.
  • The song “Fly Into the Mystery” by The Modern Lovers, which has maybe the greatest lyrics about Boston ever, including a reference to the now-defunct, Boston-based department store Filene’s (do not try to tell me that “Dirty Water” has better lyrics, I will fight you).
  • The gym of Holderness High School, a private school in New Hampshire where Bonner has been working out.
  • Bad graphics that look like a local New England ad.

Speaking of local New England ads, that brings me to this one that Bonner made urging residents of New Hampshire to sign up for the Affordable Care Act. He is apparently not only funny, but also a civically minded, caring individual who wants people to have health care:

Bonner also wrote a blog post to go with his video:

Today, I’m announcing my retirement from the NBA. Thank you to everyone who supported this humble redheaded role player through the years. I loved every team I played for and every city I lived in.

Staying true to myself, I made this mildly humorous video. Unless a professional “spot shooting” league miraculously crops up, I hope you will continue the support for whatever comes for me after basketball.

Yours truly,

Matt Bonner

(aka The Red Rocket, aka The Red Mamba, aka The Sandwich Hunter, aka Coach “B”)

Bonner posted the video to his verified Twitter account so that all of his 342 followers could see it. That’s right — this professional NBA player, whose bio just says “curling enthusiast,” has a mere 342 followers (at the time of this post, that is — hopefully it will skyrocket as soon as you all find it). The low follower count is ostensibly because he only joined in January 2017, so at most, he’s been on Twitter for six days.

TL;DR: Matt Bonner is perfect.

In conclusion: From the depths of my heart, Matt Bonner, I thank you. I thank you for comforting me in my time of need, for the terrible graphics in this video, and for being the best, big ol’ redhead the NBA could have ever asked for.

I’ll miss you more than you know.

P.S. If you have any interest in coming to work for SB Nation, our video team would love to have you! Shoot an email to with the title: “video intern application” and I’ll forward it to the right people :)