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Jonez on Jonez: Backup QB is the best job in the NFL, until you get almost decapitated

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The NFL’s Wild Card weekend featured two backup QBs, a guy with four fingers and Eli Manning. It was as thrilling as it sounds.

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Wild Card Round - Miami Dolphins v Pittsburgh Steelers Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Dragonfly Jonez is a full time tweeter, a part time podcaster and an aficionado of spicy Popeye’s drumsticks who will be offering NFL commentary this season.

Wild Card weekend is done. And well … these wild cards weren’t very wild. There was no figurative reshuffling of the postseason’s deck from these wild cards. What’s the opposite of a wild card? A tame card? A domesticated card? A feral card?

Well, yeah, these wild cards were feral at best. All of the division champs in the Wild Card round dominated on their home fields in a series of lopsided contests where the average margin of victory was 19 points. These were some good old fashioned, passionate, ass whuppings.

This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise however. These teams were a ragtag collection consisting of two teams starting backup quarterbacks, another quarterback with only four working fingers on his throwing hand, and … Eli. They faced teams quarterbacked by Russell Wilson, Roethlisberger, Rodgers and some dude named Brock who’s got that whole best defense in the league thing working in his favor.

Texans 27, Raiders 14

As with fight cards and concerts, wildcard weekend opened with the matchup that we gave the least bit of a shit about. The Raiders vs. Texans didn’t disappoint because we didn’t give a damn about this game to begin with. So I guess we could say that this game lived up to our extremely low expectations.

It was a battle between a backup quarterback and a quarterback who started out as a backup, was a terrible starter, and is probably on his way back to being a backup. All while making at least 37 million dollars in the process.

So in other words, Brock Osweiler is well on his way to living the dream.

Backup NFL quarterback is perhaps the best job on the planet. Matt Flynn started ONE game in 2012 and parlayed it into a career where he made 20 million dollars to basically tour America and eat great food while living in amazing places like the Bay, Seattle, New Orleans and New York City. He’s basically Guy Fieri without those shirts with flames on them that only assholes who watch Bellator wear.

Backup quarterbacks have achieved that perfect balance in their workplace where they are largely invisible and are only given the directive to not fuck up too bad when their services are actually needed. That’s the balance that I strive for.

“Don’t volunteer me for shit but if you really need something done, you can at least trust me to not fuck it up too badly” is the credo of the backup quarterback and I wish it could be my work email signature.

Steelers 30, Dolphins 12

Matt Moore learned quickly what a gilded life he once lived as a backup quarterback after a near death experience on Sunday.

One day Matt is just enjoying a NFL game from the best seat in the house on an 80 degree Sunday afternoon in Miami, then a few weeks later, a 270 pound dude named Bud Jr. decided he wants to try his best to end Matt’s life on a 20 degree day in Pittsburgh.

‘Tis the life of a backup QB. For all the benefits that come with being a backup quarterback, the only drawback is one might have to take the field and actually do some work one day.

Matt Moore almost got decapitated and only missed one play after (air quotes) undergoing concussion protocol. The NFL’s concussion protocol is a joke. It’s a farce where the evaluation is often dependent on how dire of a state a team’s season is in. A Week 3 evaluation will consist of a 736 step two-week process. An evaluation during a wildcard game consists of a speedy diagnosis from Dr. Nick.

Packers 38, Giants 13

We do know that there is one thing the NFL doesn’t take lightly and will crack down on at all costs however: fun. After the drumming that the Giants received at Lambeau, a handful of them were subjected to (air quotes again) random drug testing. Of course we all know this stems from the r&b album cover shoot that Giants wide receivers had on Trey Songz’s boat. And that drug test is about the only outcome here you can blame on that boat trip.

Granted, the Giants’ wide receivers were absolutely abysmal but there is no correlation to that and hanging out on a fucking boat a week prior. We even had Troy Aikman of all people chime in on this and condemn Odell for nothing more than simply hanging with his friends on an off day.

Troy Fucking Aikman.

We remember those Cowboys teams, Troy. We remember the White House your teammates ran. We remember Michael Irvin going to court in a full length mink on an April day in Texas. The cocaine that Irvin was on had to have been absolutely phenomenal for him to pull that shit. Odell just took some pictures on a boat.

This however, was undeniably hilarious.

This season had the feel of one of those Eli postseasons where he goes Sloth from Goonies and summons his Baby Ruth strength all the way to a Lombardi. Luckily, his receivers failed him. All because they were on a boat or something a week earlier. I don’t know. Ask Aikman.

So now we’re on to the divisional round. While the Wild Card round had a bunch of stinkers, these matchups look to be way more competitive.

Pull your full-length minks out. Winter is here.

Oh, and I almost forgot to discuss Detroit-Seattle. Some dude caught a pass with his ass. Nothing else to see there.

Until next week, internet friends.