Welcome to Gramatica Errors, SB Nation’s weekly kicking and punting column. As always, we will do our best to avoid any and all-foot puns. Now let’s kick things off ...
Chandler Catanzaro wanted more
The Jets’ Chandler Catanzaro earned a Toe Boy Salute this week when he made the longest field goal in team history. After he did so, he told reporters that he was disappointed ... because he wanted it to be longer.
“To be honest, I told [special teams coach Brant] Boyer to let me let it rip from where it was,” Catanzaro said after the Jets’ 17-14 win. “I figured we needed some points. In pregame, I hit it from 60, 62, something like that. The ball was flying really good in that direction. I think the ball was on the 47. So, that’s obviously a really long kick. I told coach Boyer I’ll give it a shot. They did a great job on the next play, setting me up.”
The Jets were at the 47-yard line with seconds left in the first half — if Catanzaro had been called in, he would have been tasked with hitting a 65-yard kick. They called one more play, however, and earned 8 yards on a pass. This resulted in a 57-yard kick for Catanzaro, which he nailed, and was still good enough for the longest field goal in Jets’ history.
For those of us who reside on Cleat Street, this is the type of attitude that brings a tear to our eye. It’s glorious. It’s a man looking at a big ole kick, and saying, “You know what? I want KICKIER.”
It’s a Mericle
Kick clique: Gather ’round. It’s time for a round of a-clogs for a living hero, Lima Senior kicker Cole Mericle. Look at this play.
Lima Senior kicker hits a FG to give his team a 1-point lead with three seconds to play. And then... pic.twitter.com/LeKacEOXxh— Tony Gerdeman (@TonyGerdeman) October 7, 2017
Five laterals, a full run back, the game about to end, and Cole Mericle — whose name is an anagram for L’creme E Coli — decides he’s just going to go and do this shit himself. I hope when the play was over he turned to his teammates and said “Thanks for nothing, idiots.” Kickers need NOBODY else.
Toe Boys touch the other side
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have struggled to find a kicker this season, so they turned to Pat Murray — again — to make the field goals. Murray was the Bucs’ kicker in 2014 and made 20 of 24 field goals as a rookie, though he then tore his ACL on his non-kicking leg.
He’s back now, and he’s done so with a little help ... from the beyond.
True story: PK Pat Murray says he's been consulting with a medium. "She's helped me tremendously with a lot of different things...''— Rick Stroud (@NFLSTROUD) October 10, 2017
Murray: "And she's helped me tremendously with a lot of different things and maybe it's just getting me to talk has helped me.— Rick Stroud (@NFLSTROUD) October 10, 2017
Murray: 'Getting stuff off my chest and being able to really feel that positive energy.'— Rick Stroud (@NFLSTROUD) October 10, 2017
We may laugh at this whole thing, but everyone knows that kicking field goals is as much mental as anything else. And if talking to the ghost of Garo Yepremian makes it so Murray can put it through the uprights, I say go on and do your thing man. To nail a kick in crunch time, you need big (crystal) balls.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers kickers are cursed
Ah Giorgio, we meet again
It’s been a solid season for Tavecchio, who, despite what his name sounds like, is definitely an NFL kicker and not an international jewel thief.
So yeah, that’s the end of the column. Now, please, if you aren’t Giorgio Tavecchio, please look away from this right now. Close your browser. Thank you.
Ah, Giorgio, you again. It’s funny how the sands of time always seem to get in our collective swimsuit, isn’t it, you card?
Now, about the emeralds. They’re in the haberdasher’s courtyard. Look at the cobblestones when the crow’s song turns sad in the evening; the shadow of the obelisk will tell you all you need to know. If anyone gives you trouble, tell them you’re an old friend of Lorimer Tangiers. If anyone gives you trouble after that, you still know your way around garrote wire, I imagine.
If you’re looking to move the stones, fine, but don’t bring them to the market in Fuerteventura. Consuela is still queen there, and she would only need a passing thought to put a dagger in your calf. The rest is up to you, old man. And give Mercedes a kiss for me, eh? If one of those emeralds were to fall in her lap, a wink will do just fine. Also, good luck this weekend against the Chargers.