Welcome to Trash Or Nawl, a weekly column to help you weed through the Internet Muck. To do that, I’ll be breaking it down to a helpful binary: Is something trash? Or nawl? Topics here will involve sports and whatever else the hell I say is sports or sports adjacent. I’ll do my best to make sense of what's going on each week, but the thing to remember is no matter what I say, most of these things are still trash.
You might say this is simplistic, and hell yeah it is. This is how I make sense of the chaos. Professional grade hating restores power to my powerless stupid fan hands. I give a middle finger because I've given up clapping.
Trash or Nawl criteria: We will pick a topic. We will breakdown why or why it isn't trash. You can agree, you can comment or tweet your disagreements. Or we can fight. Really, it's up to you.
Mike Ditka says there has been no oppression in 100 years
Ya mans Mike Ditka is out here lettin the choppa spray on you assholes who swear black people are out here still oppressed in this country. No, wait. Wait. No, hold on. Forreal, y’all. He really was out here with the fire quotes. Shit was so hot a tiki torch in Charlottesville got its embers. (It’s like an angel getting its wings. But, you know, racist.)
“All of a sudden, it’s become a big deal now, about oppression,” Ditka told Jim Gray on Westwood One’s pregame show ahead of the Bears’ “Monday Night Football” loss to the Vikings. “There has been no oppression in the last 100 years that I know of. Now maybe I’m not watching it as carefully as other people.”
NAHHHHHHHHH IT GETS BETTER
“If you don’t respect our country, then you shouldn’t be in this country playing football,” he said. “Go to another country and play football. If you had to go somewhere else to try to play the sport, you wouldn’t have a job. So that would be my take. If you can’t respect the flag and the country, then you don’t respect what this is all about. So I would say, adios.”
Abernathy, please check the “You blacks go back to where you came from” box on “White America Rides Again” bingo card.
Of course there ain’t been no oppression, my guy. Our country was found by Notable White Man Christopher Columbus. And made great by Notable White Man George Washington and Notable White Man Robert E. Lee and Notable White Man Ronald Reagan. And now is in a harmonious time period under president, and Notable White Man, Donald Trump.
Oh, huh? That’s all bullshit? The country was built by kidnapped black folk turned slaves and that’s a Great White Lie underpaid history teachers give to third graders? Right. Forgot. Anyway.
OF COURSE Mike Ditka ain’t seen no racisms, dummy. Ditka is a dude who puffed cheap-ass cigars and became the White Patron Saint of Football in the ‘80s because he embodied the core principles of any white dude playing a sport that is not golf: #Grit, #Passion, #Desire, #ALoveForTheGameYouBlacksCan’tPossiblyHave.
This is the allure of Ditka to the union workers on the North Side of Chicago who just found out the Cubbies no longer have a completely white squad anymore: He won a Super Bowl for a currently trash football team and then got a steakhouse named after him.
Goddamn, it’s Good To Be White...I hear.
The only time Ditka has seen oppression is when he went to his fave Polish sausage house and they were outta brats. He ain’t get to eat no brats. He wanted to stuff, like, seven brats into that sweet potato head of his. And you know how many he got to eat? Zero. Zero brats. This why we had to have slaves. Oppression musta been crazy for ya mans.
Verdict: 1980s brand trash
Joel Embiid Is The Greatest Center Alive
I AM GOOD FOR NOTHING IF I CANNOT BLESS YOU WITH SOME PRO-SIXERS PROPAGANDA.
Joel Embiid is better than that current bald dude you call a center on your team. Unless your team is the mighty flock of bandits in the beloved super-city of Philadelphia. Dark Skin Dirk is out here clownin’ these D-League rejects and getting paid $30 million in 2022. Your fave could never.
Hell you supposed to do with this, dog pic.twitter.com/g9OeTD85yK— Tyler R. Tynes (@TylerRickyTynes) October 12, 2017
And to the 37 assholes who responded to this tweet with “call the offensive foul,” it was a real funny joke the first 36 times.
Look man, JoJo is the shit. If you hatin, it’s because you root for the Pelicans and one of your big men don’t got no space between his brows and the other one...all right, I ain’t saying shit about Boogie because I ain’t trine fight him.
If you don’t play in Philly, you not from Philly or you don’t embrace our bullshit customs and tribalism, I don’t wanna hear from you. Aye, Bron, we coming for what’s left of ya hairline, beloved.
Verdict: Extremely Not Trash
Whoever In That BYU Mascot, We Gotta Talk
I know y’all seen this
Aye, this ain’t about the fact that Cosmo the Cougar and Cougarettes have moves. This is about the fact that someone has tapped into Black America’s secret supply of rhythm and has been selling it for cheap on the Black Market to soccer moms in the Midwest in knockoff lululemon.
An SB Nation investigation (or me spending five minutes on Google) shows that the last 20 BYU mascots have been random, white dudes. The ‘50s allowed for, at least, one woman (Peggy Heron Mortensen) to share the role with another man.
So although Cosmo got it lit one time for the homies on the Mormon missions in Utah, y’all ain’t finna lie to me and tell me that ain’t a white man in that costume. I ain’t never seen a white man in my life hit a seamless transition from an arms out shuffle to a Milly Rock to a front flip. Nah, b. That’s Hood Gymnastics. This must be where all the blackness gets syphoned when they remodel our shit during gentrification. Whatever molded Marshawn Lynch is being fed to blonde Beckys in Salt Lake City.
All I’m asking, magical human in the Cosmo costume, is to reveal yourself so you can get a personal invite to the cookout. But if you white, nah, you can’t come in them light-up Sketchers in ya closet. Sorry, G. You gotta come dressed as the cat.
Verdict: Not Trash...Yet
If you disagree with these verdicts, comment below. As stated earlier, you can agree, comment, tweet through your frustration or fight. Really, it’s up to you.