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Derek Jeter's office has two iPads and a lot of hand sanitzer. I have questions.

Here is a thorough and important investigation.

The Marlins tweeted out a picture on Tuesday morning of Derek Jeter, whose ownership group bought the baseball team for $1.2 billion on Monday. The caption reads, “A new era begins.”

This photo raises several questions. The first thing you probably noticed is that while Jeter has zero (0) computers on his desk, he has not one (1), but two (2) iPads.

The best explanation I can come up with is this: Rich people don’t need computers because they don’t actually have to type stuff. All they have to do is swipe around on their iPads and approve billion dollar deals by clicking the huge blinking button that I imagine accompanies any proposal for a billion dollar deal. I bet it looks something like those “YOU’RE THE WINNER!!!!” banners on pop-up ads, except they say “YOU’RE SO WEALTHY THAT NOTHING MATTERS. JUST CLICK HERE TO SPEND A BUNCH OF CASH LOL!!!!”

As for the iPad stands, everyone knows that rich people have to have them. You think millionaires and billionaires have time to hold up their own tablets? No, fuck that. They need to save all their brain power and finger strength for clicking that blinking button to approve all those deals.

Anyway, the second thing you might’ve noticed is the big-ass thing next to Jeter’s desk (if this is indeed his office and not a random room where the Marlins’ social media person staged a photo) that looks like a tiki torch at first glance, or maybe a bird feeder.

I certainly did:

After doing some research, folks, I’m pretty sure that’s a gargantuan hand sanitizer stand. I’ve looked at a lot of hand sanitizer stands this morning since seeing this tweet. I can’t find that exact one that’s in Jeter’s office (which, if you zoom in enough, appears to be Kleenex brand), but I’ve found a few that resemble it enough to make me fairly certain that’s what we’re staring at. This is the closest model I can approximate:

(Thanks to my colleague Matt Ufford for help with the detective work.)

All the others are stupid expensive. Check this out:

The fact that I can’t find Jeter’s exact model online leads me to believe that his is custom-made for him by Kleenex, but the Marlins have yet to respond to my request for comment, so I can’t verify any of this. It is strictly speculation:

I don’t know why anyone would pay close to $500 for one of these ugly stands when you can literally just buy a bottle of Purel at the corner store — or have your assistant buy it for you — for, like, two bucks. I understand that if you have a big shared space, you might want something hefty to stop people from stealing your ‘tizer. But I don’t know why you’d a) need that or b) want that in your own personal office.

I’m all for airing our neuroses, but if you’re that bugged out about germs, it feels like it would be easier for you to just keep a personal bottle in a drawer rather than having to explain to everyone why you have an Olympic torch of a dispenser behind your desk. Maybe Jeter doesn’t know that you can buy smaller models.

On the other sanitized hand, if this is a deliberate choice and it’s some sort of trophy, I’m unimpressed. A sexy hand sanitizer stand is, like, the least cool way to show off how loaded you are.

Especially if you’re Derek Jeter!

He played professional baseball, quite well, for years and years! There is some really dope shit about this guy! He could get his jersey bronzed or his contract framed! Even if he’s feeling more basic, he could just hang a photo of his yacht on his wall. And if he doesn’t have a yacht, he could buy a yacht, take a picture of it, and then frame that.

Or just wallpaper his place with hundos.

Whatever. I don’t know. People are weird, man. I’m all for fresh starts — especially after what previous owner Jeffrey Loria did to the Marlins — but this seems like Jeter’s taking the metaphor a bit too far. Just buy a pump bottle and hide it behind one of your iPads, my dude. Sheesh.