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Trash Or Nawl: Seriously, where are these kids’ parents on ‘Stranger Things?’

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Plus thoughts on Kanye, Jimmer, and more.

Comic-Con International 2017 - Netflix's 'Stranger Things' Press line Photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images

Welcome to Trash Or Nawl, a weekly column to help you weed through the Internet Muck. To do that, I’ll be breaking it down to a helpful binary: Is something trash? Or nawl? Topics here will involve sports and whatever else the hell I say is sports or sports adjacent. I’ll do my best to make sense of what's going on each week, but the thing to remember is no matter what I say, most of these things are still trash.

You might say this is simplistic, and hell yeah it is. This is how I make sense of the chaos. Professional grade hating restores power to my powerless stupid fan hands. I give a middle finger because I've given up clapping.

Trash or Nawl criteria: We will pick a topic. We will breakdown why or why it isn't trash. You can agree, you can comment or tweet your disagreements. Or we can fight. Really, it's up to you.


WTF is going on in Stranger Things?

All right look, I just started watching this dumbass show and it’s a dumbass show. Thing is, I like dumbass shows.

But here’s my question: In what world are four 8-year-olds running around some shitty town in Indiana, BY THEMSELVES, to find their friend who also was running around some shitty town in Indiana, because as a product of running around said shitty Indiana town, he got kidnapped?

AT WHAT POINT IN THIS SHOW ARE THE PARENTS ACTUALLY HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING DUMB AS HELL?

One kid don’t got no teef. Another kid cries for the entire second season because his body is too cold. Another kid misses some girl who don’t eem know how to talk in complete sentences. And the last kid IS MY MANS LUCAS AND HE IS THE SHIT AND HAS NEVER DONE ANY WRONG EVER AND IS HASHTAG MISTAH STEAL YO GURL AND PROBABLY HAS DEEP CUTS ON AN ALBUM SOMEWHERE WITH TREY SONGZ.

SiriusXM's 'Town Hall' With The Cast Of Stranger Things; Town Hall To Air On SiriusXM's Entertainment Weekly Radio Photo by Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images for SiriusXM

Also it seems many of you get down with Steve Harrington. I do not rock with Steve Harrington. He ain’t shit, and he constantly gets his ass beat in a show all about beating up things that aren’t people. However, I do not fault him for getting beat up by the Season 2 Racist because, as we have all read in #books, Racism gives you a strength boost in fictional sci-fi.

Whenever Season 3 of Stranger Things comes out, all I want is for someone’s parents to take responsibility for their shitty kids. Maybe this is what white kids do. I don’t know. I’m not white and have never lived in an ugly ass place like Hawkins, Ind. What I do know, however, is if I wasn’t home before the street lights came on, my mom was coming out swinging. My mom knows how to box, as I’m sure all black mothers do, and I envision coming home after the streetlights came on to be how Sonny Liston felt when he met Muhammad Ali. Not getting my ass beat just to chase some monsters. Fuck that.

This is not to say I don’t like Stranger Things, because I do. This is to say I’d probably enjoy more of the plot if it didn’t involve mostly white children getting out of danger they caused by being mostly white children. Lucas is the only person who does no wrong. I do not care. Swing if you’d like.

Verdict On Running Around The Woods After Dark: Trash

Verdict On Stranger Things: Not Trash

Jimmer Fredette Must Be Touched By An Angel

Because he shoulda got his ass beat.

I don’t blame Steph here because I’m actively not fuckin’ wit Chinese police. There is no second option. I’m not becoming the next LiAngelo.

Jimmer has to be blessed by a higher power to avoid this danger that he caused. Because if we are anywhere else, Jimmer woulda got his ass beat.

Verdict on Jimmer: Trash

Verdict on Chinese Police: VERY VERY GOOD

The New Yeezys Look Like Garbage Juice

Hell is this, ock?

No, All Black Media, I am not feeling the new Yeezy Mud Rat 500s. I also don’t know what the fuck that name even implies. Does it mean that Kanye is knowingly releasing some ugly ass sneakers for the public? Does Kanye not care about us anymore? Was My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy actually the worst tape ever created?

I don’t know what all this means, internet friends. But I do know that sending Kim K out to parade these shoe muffins to the rest of creation does not mean that I will buy them. If them shits were slip resistant, they’d be the New Waitress 5000s. If these came in black, cops would buy them in bulk with their assault rifles.

Yeezy ain’t finna lie to me no more. I rebuke these monstrous creations that’ve surely come straight from the depths of sin. But with all that said, they probably still cost less than whatever Lonzo selling.

Verdict on New Yeezys: Super Trash

Verdict on Lonzo’s early basketball skills: The same level of trash

If you disagree with these verdicts, comment below. As stated earlier, you can agree, comment, tweet through your frustration or fight. Really, it’s up to you.