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I regret to inform you that Tim Tebow played a very bad baseball game

It is me, a professional baseball writer, writing about Tim Tebow for page views.

MLB: Spring Training-Boston Red Sox at New York Mets Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports

Tim Tebow should not be in the Mets’ spring training camp. It’s not fair to him, who has almost zero baseball experience and should be playing against teenagers until he proves he can play well against teenagers. It’s not fair to the fans, who have very high expectations of the quality of spring baseball and always will. It’s not fair to his teammates, who have to answer dumb Tim Tebow questions.

It’s not fair to baseball writers.

Why doesn’t anyone ever think of the baseball writers?

It is here, friends, that I must inform you that Tim Tebow’s first spring training game did not go well. A recap:

He walked to the wrong on-deck circle

This is why all on-deck circles should have a trap door. Because Tim Tebow falling through a trap door in the wrong on-deck circle would do more to grow the sport of baseball than Mike Trout hitting 60 home runs in the same week.

He struck out in his first at-bat and jawed with the ump

You have seen 43 pitches in the last 20 years, calm down, friend.

He grounded into a double play

Got a standing ovation for it, which indirectly describes why I’m writing this.

He was hit by a pitch

Brian Johnson also went to Florida or Florida State or wherever Tebow went, which is interesting to some people. I’m just here for the Brian Johnson puns.

  • For Those About to Plunk, We Salute You
  • Evil Intentionally Walks
  • Night of the Long Swings
  • Breaking the Unwritten Rules
  • Fly Off The Wall
  • Flick of the Switch-hitter

He was doubled off first base on a line-drive double

That is not how you are supposed to baseball, Tim Tebow.

He was accidentally demolished in these postgame quotes from Rick Porcello

“I would have noticed Tebow more if he were successful in his first profession, which he was not.”

Those are five baseball-related events that happened to Tebow, and none of them were very good. Stay tuned for future developments.