So it’s 3:50 on Friday, right? I’m walking down the street in New York City’s Financial District, on my way to the Duane Read around the corner from the SB Nation offices. There was no real reason for me to be going to a drug store, other than the fact that I needed an excuse to walk outside, I didn’t really want a coffee, and it was the first place I could think of to go.
I walked through the entrance, and the first thing I saw was a wall of Peeps. I love Peeps. I know there are Peeps haters out there, but I am not one of them. I think Peeps are grossly sweet to the point of enjoyment, and I firmly believe that putting them in microwaves and watching them explode is sports. I also felt like I couldn’t go into Duane Read and leave without buying anything, so I grabbed two packs — one in the standard yellow flavor, one in the PARTY CAKE flavor — and headed to the cashier.
I bought the Peeps.
When I returned to the office, there was enough pizza in the kitchen to feed a small army of youth soccer players. I wasn’t sure why it was there, but I don’t really bother to ask, because suddenly I realized that I had one option: I had to put the Peeps on the pizza.
Hear me out: The internet went nuts this week because some idiots somewhere in America decided that Peepza was a thing. It went viral on social media because we’re all morons who click on absolutely anything that is weird and gross.
There’s no reason you should put Peeps on anything besides your hand before you put Peeps in your mouth, but I’m a sucker for a challenge, and my coworker, Jessica Smetana, egged me on (this is — you heard it here first — all her fault). So we stood in the kitchen, furtively took a slice, put two Peeps on it, and stuck it in the toaster oven.
It only took, like, 45 seconds for the Peeps to start to burn. I quickly removed the Peepza from the oven so that I didn’t light our brand new offices on fire and then get fired myself. Peeps melt fairly quickly, it turns out, so Jess and I were able to smush them onto the pizza so that they looked somewhat baked on.
I took a bite of the Peepza, and let me tell you, this is the grossest shit I’ve ever eaten. And I tried chocolate chip cookies made with cricket flour this week (don’t ask). It tasted exactly like you think it would: A Peep on top of pizza, which is disgusting.
I’m honestly alarmed by how bad this was. Like, I knew it was going to be foul, but it was even worse than I could’ve imagined. It tasted like Chuckee Cheese and Dairy Queen got together and had really, really, really bad sex. It tasted like a stale birthday party that you put into a trash can. It tasted like dashed dreams and broken futures. It’s what all the terrible opinions on the internet would taste like if you printed out the tweets and ate them.
I ate three Peeps on their own after I ate the Peepza to try to cancel out the taste of the tomato flavored marshmallows that lingered in my mouth, but even that didn’t totally work. So, now I just feel super sick, I still kind of have the taste of Peepza in my mouth, and all I have to show for it is this lousy blog.
The internet sucks.