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If you propose at a stadium and get rejected, you deserve to go viral

You did this to yourself.

World Series - St Louis Cardinals v Boston Red Sox - Game One Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images

A man proposed to a woman at Fenway Park on Sunday night and she said no.

A few thoughts:

Of course she said no. The man proposed in public at a sporting event. Here is a list of actions you should propose to your significant other in public at a sporting event:

  1. That you both go get more beer.
  2. That one of you goes and gets more beer.
  3. That you eat hot dogs.
  4. That you play a game of thumb war.
  5. That you take a selfie and send it to your parents.
  6. That you take a selfie and put it on Instagram, heavily filtered.
  7. That you guys eat even more hot dogs.
  8. That one or both of you goes and gets even more beer.

Here is a list of things you should not propose to your significant other in public at a sporting event:

  1. That you take a selfie and send it to your ex.
  2. That you try to start a wave.
  3. That you get guys married.

Pay attention to No. 3, folks, because if you don’t, you might be the dude standing atop the Green Monster, arguing with your girlfriend, whom you hoped would be your fiancée, who will not be your fiancée, and who will also probably not be your girlfriend for much longer. The crowd might start to chant, “SHE SAID NO!” and then someone might take a video of you and then you might go somewhat viral.

You might say, “Wow, that sucks, after the most savage rejection, a man had to deal with the ridicule of not only an entire stadium but also the entire internet.”

To which I say: No. Granted, I don’t know the full story here, and ostensibly there could be some touching reason or heartbreaking details behind it, but if this is just a run-of-the-mill public proposal, then this guy gets no sympathy. He didn’t pay attention to the rules I listed above, rules everyone should know because they are common sense.

I am anti-public proposal because asking someone to marry you seems like a very intimate moment (though I don’t know that for sure, because I have not been formally proposed to) and I can’t understand why you’d want to share that with a whole bunch of strangers.

HOWEVER: If you are into public proposals for some reason, because there are people who are into everything in this strange world of ours, there’s one thing you MUST BE SURE OF:

That she or he will say yes.

Look, proposing in public is one of the most high-risk, low-reward situations in the pantheon of human experiences. What do you get out of it if it goes well? The cheers of a couple thousand people and a video of you and your now-fiancé on a goddamn jumbotron? Crowd approval is ephemeral and stupid, and videos of yourself on a jumbotron are less ephemeral but equally stupid, so you might as well just not do it.

But, if you must, for reasons I will never understand, you should have a pretty good sense that the person you’re asking to tether themselves to you for the rest of your lives wants to be tethered to you. I know, I know, people go rogue; this woman might’ve been like, “yeah, Jerry, I’ll totally marry you,” the day before in casual conversation. And then panicked when the formal offer came through as she thought about how she’d have to deal with Jerry’s snoring, his ugly La-Z-Boy, and his propensity to leave the toilet seat up for all of her days.

Or, counterpoint: Maybe she was like, yeah, I’ll marry you, and then Jerry proposed in public, and she was like, “Wow, you clearly don’t know me at all, because this is my own personal hell, so, no, I won’t marry you.”

Which brings me to my final point:

This man deserves to go viral.

Sometimes virality or memedom happens to you and it’s not fair. Like, I’m pretty sure this kid didn’t ask to be the face of success on the internet:

But you know what? If you’re dumb enough to ignore all of the rules of public proposals that I set out above, you deserve to go viral and I don’t feel bad for you. Call me harsh or cold-blooded, but there is too much stupid in this world. The only people I do feel bad for are those blindsided with proposals from the schmucks who think jumbotron proposals are a good idea.

In conclusion: Don’t propose at stadiums.