The three biggest events in a season of The Bachelor or Bachelorette are Draft Day, Opening Day, and the Finals. Or, translated out of Sportspeak and into English: The day the bios of the the idiot-bozo-morons looking for
D-list fame love are released, the first episode, and the last episode, when one of the idiot-bozo-morons gets chosen as the future spouse of the person they met 10 weeks ago.
Wednesday was Draft Day: Yesterday, the good people over at ABC introduced us to the men vying for the heart of Bachelorette Rachel Lindsey, an accomplished lawyer who loves Prince, Michael Jackson, basketball, and is probably far too good for any of them.
I know this because Rachel was one of the final three contestants from last season, and she’s funny, smart, interesting, beautiful, and way cooler than most of the people who churn through this franchise’s fame-making gears. She was 100 percent too good for Nick “handsome software salesman” Viall, whose essence was that of a corn muffin that didn’t get baked for quite long enough.
But here we are, and, in an act of selfless service journalism, I read through the bios of the dental hygienists and marketing managers so that you don’t have to. They’re all here for the Right Reasons: a couple hundred thousand new Instagram followers. Sorry, I mean true and everlasting love. Here are 13 takeaways:
1. Of course we have two “Blakes”
Blake K. ...
.... was a marine and Blake E. ...
... is an “aspiring drummer” who says his ex-girlfriend was “crazy.” So right out of the gate I can tell you that Blake E. is the lesser Blake, which is saying something, because they’re both named Blake.
2. Congrats on the sex!
The biggest thing I gleaned from reading the bios of these men — who, though more diverse than past seasons, still manage to look all alike — is that they really want us to know they’ve engaged in sexual intercourse before. Check it out:
- One of the Blakes (I can’t remember which, and let’s be honest, it doesn’t matter) said he wants to watch the new 50 Shades of Grey movie because he loves “taboo sexy stuff.” Newsflash, Blake: 50 Shades wasn’t even that sexy. Dakota Johnson and whats-his-name who played Christian Grey had about as much chemistry as a pair of two-by-fours who happen to be in close proximity. I bet Blake is bad at sex.
- Bryce says he once caught a girl's hair on fire once while having sex with her, and that he’s like a “fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning” in the bedroom. MAYDAY, RACHEL: Don’t have sex with Bryce, because you’ll get electrocuted and die.
- Dean doesn’t want women to bite him in the bedroom. This seems like a risky thing to say off the bat, because what if Rachel’s into that?
- Diggy wants us to know he once went on a trip to Cancun on Spring Break where he participated in a "sexual positions" contest. Sick, dude, nice.
- Jebidiah says he once had sex off the continental divide on a glacier in the mountains, which seems like a sneaky way of telling us he’s rich.
- Jonathan says he “usually lasts a long time (in a good way.)” I just ... these guys are the worst.
- Kyle had an ex who was into “BDSM and introduced me to being a dom. Interesting, but don't like hurting people, so it's weird. Fun with her though.” Stop pretending, Kyle. You loved it.
- Mohit says Tabasco is the wildest thing he’s ever done in the bedroom. I don’t know whether he means he put hot sauce in some places hot sauce shouldn’t go, or that he once ate a burrito in bed. I would respect the latter more.
3. Everyone loves the Rock and Matthew McCoughney and Denzel Washington and Elon Musk
This is the most predictable thing about any season of this goddamn franchise: Dudes love The Rock and Elon Musk. Usually they throw in Mark Cuban, too, but this time the majority went with Denzel or Matthew McConaughey.
Here’s a list of fucked up shit from the bios:
- Alex once ate a live salamander.
- Diggy was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade. This sounds avoidable. Like, just get up.
- Diggy also once spent all day with a girl, had sex with her, then pretended to be asleep when she found out her brother was missing so he wouldn’t have to help her.
FREEZE FRAME, RECORD SCRATCH: WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!? WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU, DIGGY?
- Grant says his favorite magazine is Playboy, and he added a “;)”.
- Why is Jack Stone’s name Jack Stone? Is he the only one who gets to have a last name? Or is his first name two names, and those names are Jack and Stone? I’m confused.
- Jebediah says he likes South Africa because of its “great coffee, tea, wine, fruit, food, beautiful animals and landscapes, amazing people and very real problems like HIV and violence.”
- Kenny once gave a woman different Edible Arrangements every day for a week.
- Lucas says his least ideal date would be going to a funeral.
- Milton isn’t here for the Right Reasons: He says he wants to be on the show because “everyone tells me I'm made for TV/movies. Doesn't mean I'm out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.”
Calling it now: Milton is going to be the first person other contestants turn on.
5. Adam deserves a swirlie
Adam says his favorite actor is Jennifer Lawrence “because she is every girl's goal,” which is patently untrue and makes me want to punch a wall. The most romantic gift he ever received was a threesome because it was his birthday.
6. I don’t know what any of these guys’ jobs mean
The contestants’ jobs all sound like ones you’d give yourself on a fake LinkedIn account to convince your parents you actually have a career and aren’t just smoking weed in the basement all day long. The exceptions here are Jonathan, who is a Tickle Monster, which is a noble profession, and Kenny, a professional wrestler.
We have: an Information Systems Supervisor, an Aspiring Drummer, an Education Software Manager, a Startup Recruiter, an Executive Recruiter, a Consulting Firm CEO, and a Whaboom (I don’t think it’s a thing).
Michael was a professional basketball player, but apparently he just played in Bulgaria for a few years. This reminds me of when Jordan Rodgers said he was a pro football player because he got cut from three NFL teams and played for a year in Canada.
Peter is a moron. He says he wants to be professional football player for a day since “it is my favorite sport with an awesome paycheck. They're superstars for playing a sport, a game. It just seems so easy.” NARRATOR: It wasn’t.
7. Everyone loves their mom
This does not mean they’re feminists, but I guarantee some will try to tell you it does.
8. These asshats need to relax
- Bryan wants to be Bill Gates just because he's so selfless and charitable.
- Bryce feels like handwritten letters “are one of the purest forms of materialized emotion.”
- Demario says he’s perfect.
- Iggy’s favorite magazine is The Harvard Business Review.
- Jamey would be someone less fortunate for a day so he could “appreciate his life more.”
- Jebediah’s past dogs were all half wolf, so you know he’s tough.
9. Future storylines
Blake E. was engaged for 48 hours, so he’s probably capital D damaged with plenty of trust issues. Blake K. hates sharks, so the producers will make him swim with them. Dean doesn’t believe in marriage — thinks it’s an “institutionalized sham” — so that’ll definitely be a point of tension. Demario loves Prince, too, so he and Rachel will go on a Prince-themed date and everything will be purple. This is going to sound callous, but several of these guys have mothers who’ve died, so that’ll be A Thing.
10. There are some weird clothes opinions
Brady likes Lululemon, so I’m going to call him Lululemon Brady for the entire show. One of the guys — I can’t remember who and there’s no way I’m going back through all of the bios to find out — says he used to wear JNCOs.
Here’s a picture of JNCOs:
11. Today, in low-key sexism
Bryan thinks sisters need brothers to protect them.
Calling it now: Anthony wins. He taught in Indonesia and we know he knows how to read, because he’s says a Haruki Murakami book is his favorite. I also know someone he used to work with, and she says he’s a good guy, so it’s Anthony’s basket into which I’m putting all my eggs.
13. One last thing
One of my coworkers has a theory that being the Bachelorette isn’t about looking for love, it’s about figuring out which of the contestants won’t murder you. And when you look at it that way, the show makes a whole lot more sense.
Correction: This article originally stated that Mohit isn’t here for the Right Reasons. It is in fact Milton who is not here for the Right Reasons. Jury’s still out on Mohit.