Sports and food are two of the best things in the world. When you combine the names of NFL players with meals, you have a delicious and well-named masterpiece.
SugarFire Smokehouse in St. Louis recently unveiled a burger called the “Reuben Foster.” It is a house burger, with Swiss cheese, sauerkraut hash, pastrami, caramelized onion, and a special sauce. Sounds good, right?
The burger inspired us to make our own creations, naming them after various NFL players, coaches, and even mascots. We apologize in advance for the appetite you’re about to have after reading this post.
Aaron Rodgers: Dairy-free “Kale Mary” smoothie
A year ago, Rodgers fessed up to the biggest cardinal sin any Wisconsinite can commit: He cut dairy from his diet. At the time, he said he did for his health reasons, and his new diet — "more of a vegan diet with some red meat at times and some chicken" — sounded obnoxiously Tom Brady-esque.
Recently, Rodgers clarified that “irritable bowels” is why he really went dairy-free. And man, that stinks for him, but is also a valid reason. No one wants the constant tummy rumbles or runs to the bathroom (or scatological jokes at your expense).
Rodgers’ commitment to watching what he eats as he enters his mid-30s is admirable, though. So let him have his kale and eat it too: add some almond milk, a couple of fruits and vegetables, NFL-regulated protein powder, and voila, the Hail Mary king has his own belly-friendly smoothie.
Matt Ryan: Matty Ice light beer
It’s safe to assume the Falcons quarterback could use a beer after what was a rough Super Bowl LI loss. So what better than a Matty Ice? It’s cool, crisp, and aged a long and painful 25 weeks to perfection.
Tyrann Mathieu: Honey Badger honey cake
Mathieu got his Honey Badger nickname from the animal. Honey badgers are mean as hell and they’ll eat anything. They’re true omnivores. Its formal name, mellivora capensis, means “honey eater of the Cape,” meaning the Cape of Good Hope in South Africa. We also think that Mathieu wouldn’t mind being the eater of the cake that we’re naming after him.
J.J. Watt: 99-Watt energy drink
Watts are a unit of power, and Watt is an explosive and energetic player out on the football field, whether you find it to be genuine or not.
Watt’s drink would be made out of the most ridiculous and stereotypical ingredients that any meathead would have in his smoothie/drink/shake. Raw eggs (with the shells), any mixture of fruit and vegetables, all while being chugged straight out of the blender.
Ezekiel Elliott: Cinnamon Toast Crunch “Feed me” fried ice cream
Like, probably more than you love your kids:
And we know Cinnamon Toast Crunch has been one of his favorites for years:
Should I eat frosted flakes , fruit loops, or cinnamon toast crunch???— Ezekiel Elliott (@EzekielElliott) February 5, 2014
No one is ever too old to enjoy a lil CT Crunch, but at a certain age, it becomes less acceptable to chow down on it in public. There’s an easy fix for that, and it’s very Texas: fry it, add some ice cream, and sell it at a food truck.
Myles Garrett: “Myles to go before I sheep” taco
Hopefully Garrett gets the opportunity to open his own Fuego Tortilla Grill franchise in Cleveland. Not only would it be the first location in the Midwest, it’d be Fuego’s first location outside of Texas. And such a milestone deserves its own signature dish. The fresh home-made flour tortilla, chipotle cream corn, and pico de gallo can stay, but Garrett earns the right to be the namesake for Fuego’s lamb taco debut.
Alex Mack: Mackaroni and cheese
Much like the Falcons’ center is the best player along Atlanta’s offensive line, macaroni and cheese is a dependable comfort food. Enjoy it with a nice, cold Matty Ice.
Drew Brees: Dink and Dunkin’ Donut
The Saints’ quarterback is a budding restauranteur, and he’s part of an effort to bring 69 Dunkin’ Donuts stores to Louisiana, which is nice. It’s only fitting that one of the donuts they offer would be named after the guy who brought home the Lombardi Trophy after the 2009 season.
Tom Brady: Super Bowl MVPizza
The closest thing Brady has had to an arch-rival in his unparalleled NFL career is Peyton Manning, a man who brought 30 Papa John’s shops to Denver when he left Indianapolis. Based on their final Super Bowl ring counts, Brady is destined to open 75 of his own gross, artisanal, vegan, gluten-free pizza chains throughout New England.
We already know the four-time Super Bowl MVP marks out for avocado ice cream and has never tasted a strawberry in his life. Brady’s pizza would have the kind of health benefits that allows 39-year-old men to post MVP-caliber seasons. It would also taste like lawn clippings sprinkled over Saltines.
Rob Gronkowski: Gronk’s MonsterClear Brotein shake
The perfect way to cool down after a workout and pre-game at the same time is a protein shake mixed with Monster and Everclear.
Glen Coffee: Coffee Americano
His item can’t just be some coffee. And it needs to be stronger than a Caffe Americano. Sure, both will energize you and give you a jumpstart to your day, but Glen’s Coffee Americano would give you more than that, with an extra shot of espresso ... and patriotism.
Coffee retired from the NFL to join the U.S. Army to become a paratrooper. His extra espresso drink will give you the same motivation to do something of greater meaning, as well as the energy to kick some butt while doing it.
Now, he’s making a comeback. Time for some shots!
Andrew Luck: Luck of the Irish oatmeal
It should be no surprise that Andrew Luck is a big fan of oatmeal. Sure, it sounds like it’s the breakfast equivalent of going to the dentist, but that’s only to those too unrefined to realize just how versatile and flavorful oatmeal can be.
But Luck knows. From a 2013 interview with The Indianapolis Star:
Q: You're a sponsor of Quaker Oats. Do you have a favorite oatmeal recipe?
A: "I eat a lot of oatmeal anyway. But every morning, I get an omelet and I get fruit, oatmeal and I put yogurt on my oatmeal, which is sort of weird. But there is this recipe I like with honey roasted maple pecans, bananas (on oatmeal) and that's pretty good. But I don't do that every day. It's too much to do on a daily (basis)."
Now that’s a savory — and healthy — start to the day. Oatmeal will never be the sexiest meal, but whether you use quick, rolled, or steel-cut (aka Irish) oats, it’s always one of the most reliable.
Ben Roethlisberger: Big Bean soup
What, you were thinking a burger? Cliche. Soup isn’t just great, but it also helps you feel better when you’re dealing with the aches and pains of a bad cold. Roethlisberger knows a little bit about aches; he’s missed five starts the past two seasons while playing through injury in the back halves of each year.
Bill O’Brien: Potatoes O’Brien breakfast taco
Breakfast tacos don’t have to be complicated, but the best ones usually offer more than just eggs, cheese, and a tortilla. Bacon, chorizo, brisket, beans if you’re vegetarian, or all of the above if you’re really not; avocado if you don’t want to buy a house one day; and, of course, potatoes.
Throw in some diced peppers and onions, and those potatoes suddenly become Potatoes O’Brien. If that all sounds messy, then it’s perfect for Bill O’Brien. Just look at the quarterback situations he’s had to deal with since becoming the Texans’ head coach.
Vince Wilfork: Wilforkin’ Good Ribs
We’ll let Wilfork explain this one:
Kirk Cousins: “You Like That?” Early Bird Special
It only seems fitting that he’d have an early bird special named after him. Cousins would most certainly like that.
Blue, the Colts mascot: Blue’s berry pie
There’s nothing quite like a wholesome blueberry pie. Blue is arguably the best mascot in the NFL, and might be inclined to throw that pie in your face.