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Hire me to delete NFL draft prospects' old and bad tweets

Seriously, how do people not do this before they become professional athletes?

2017 NFL Draft Photo by Jeff Zelevansky/Getty Images

There are three things in life you can be sure of: Death, taxes, and old tweets from NFL prospects resurfacing the moment they’re drafted.

Let’s take quarterback Mitchell “Not Mitch” Trubisky, the Bears’ first-round pick and also the cause of at least 13,000 heart attacks in the greater Chicago area last Thursday night. As soon as the news broke, one of his old tweets popped up at the top of Twitter’s garbage sea, the place where stained opinions and smushed takes float around like rogue plastic bags. It said, “Hell yeah, Go Packers.” Another tweet in which Trubisky said he liked to kiss women’s breasts (albeit in less formal language) also started recirculating.

First of all, I would like to commend Trubisky for his usage of “hell yeah.” It is one of my favorite sayings and, in my humble opinion, a fantastic way to convey enthusiasm. As for his tweet about boobs, I offer no comment.

Secondly, I would like to ask a question: How can agents, upon signing a yet-to-be-drafted player, NOT go through their client’s tweets?

Seriously — this isn’t rocket science, folks. We all know how the internet works: nothing you say in cyberspace ever goes away unless you pour industrial strength bleach on it in the form of deleting anything even remotely damning (even then, there are way-back machines that use sorcery to screw you over and surface your removed and bad posts). I can’t understand how adults whose literal job it is to make sure these kids don’t shoot themselves in their own feet wouldn’t think to do a quick check of the old timeline.

Mitch — sorry, Mitchell — isn’t the first guy to have his forgotten tweets haunt him. My favorite old tweet-haver is Jimmy Garoppolo, who once laughed at a dude who fell off his longboard. Besides the Liquid Swords tweet, it remains the only good thing ever been posted to Twitter.

I can’t stop thinking about how negligent it is to let a guy go to the draft without combing his internet history first. Trubisky’s were fairly tame in the scheme of things. The Eagles’ Wendell Smallwood, for example, saw one of his old and bad tweets about Philly resurface after he was drafted last year. It’s reappearance actually caused him to delete his entire account (which isn’t a bad idea for anyone, but isn’t always an option in this day and self-promoting age).

That people don’t think to go through their history before entering the draft has been bothering me to the point that I feel like I personally have to do something about it.

I’m therefore thrilled to announce Wilder, Wilder, & Wilder: Tweet Liquidators at Large, a firm that will ensure potential athletes don’t have to take their feet out of their mouths before they even lace up their first pair of professional cleats (lot of foot sayings in this post, but feet help you play sports, so I’m gonna roll with it).

Here’s how my business works: For a flat rate of $1 million — and then a 5 percent cut of whatever the player goes on to make for the rest of their athletic career — I’ll go through a draft prospect’s Twitter and search a series of words. Those words will include: every other team in the league that said athlete is attempting to enter, the names of the major players in that league, all the bad words that could ruin a career, and any sex stuff.

In fact, to show you how this would work, let’s pretend for a moment I was just hired by an anti-cheese lobbying firm. If I were to hire Wilder, Wilder, & Wilder, here’s what we would do to ensure nothing embarrassing surfaces on my first day at work: we’d search “cheese.”

Here’s what we’d find:


Wow, thank god I hired myself in this hypothetical situation so I could delete these cheese tweets, because otherwise my new anti-cheese employers would be like, “Holy shit, she’s been in the pocket of Big Cheese this whole damn time!”

Speaking of cheese:

My services extend to Instagram, Facebook, MySnap, FruitLoop, and FartButt, too, but it’s my experience that Twitter is the platform most likely to come back and bite you.

As for Trubisky, he’s since deleted his Packers tweet, but not before I and my coworkers could make fun of him for it on Facebook Live. He’s also gotten rid of his tweet about what he likes to do to women’s breasts. But I took a gander at some of his remaining tweets and found these, simply by searching “Aaron Rodgers.”

Could be worse! But the fact remains that Rodgers is now his sworn and mortal enemy by nature of being a Bears quarterback. Had someone just gone through and cleaned these out, we wouldn’t have even an ounce of ammunition against Trubisky in the event that he someday starts beefing with Rodgers.

If you find some really bad stuff, that’s obviously cause for concern and something to be dealt with. But for the most part, cleaning out athletes’ past thoughts from when they were, like, two years old in 2012 is only a way to save them some minor embarrassment. And seems like the most obvious thing in the world. Would doing so be a loss for those of us who enjoy laughing at guys who laughed at guys falling off longboards? Yeah, it would. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make sense.

Anyway, this blog post is now too long so I’m going to stop writing. But the moral of the story is: Never tweet. But when you do, delete them.