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The Oakland A’s Twitter account told Wendy’s that its hamburgers cause diarrhea

And other sentences that would have totally made sense 10 years ago.

Kickball For A Home - Celebrity Challenge Presented By Dave Thomas Foundation For Adoption Photo by Rachel Murray/Getty Images for Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

If you’re not on Twitter all day, trapped by the constant psyche-chewing hurricane of current events and bad opinions, this might be hard to follow, but I’ll try. On Twitter, there are brands. Some of these brands are cheeky. Of these cheeky brands, the Wendy’s brand is one of the cheekiest.

I’m still paying student loans because I went to college to write about stuff like this.

Anyway, so someone on Twitter who appreciated the cheekiness of the Oakland Athletics official account wanted to know who would win in a Brand War. And the A’s, being cheeky, decided to play along:

Harmless! Get it? Because Wendy’s is food. Which can be eaten for lunch.

But then Wendy’s started swinging a little low:

Going straight to the part where the baseball team is struggling seems like it’s against the unwritten rules of Brand Wars. The A’s decided to stop being polite and start being real.

You might say that things started getting a little .............. frosty:

Wendy’s, glassy-eyed and wobbling, attempted to rescue its brand:

And it looked like the fight was over, and it was just going to be pushing and shoving around the mound:

Back to nice, polite brand-jousting. But Wendy’s couldn’t ... let ... it ... go:

They themselves on a brand tee and handed a brand driver to a brand they were sparring with. Which allowed the A’s to wind up, and ...

RIGHT BACK TO THE DIARRHEA JOKES. This is a lesson for the Wendy’s Twitter account. It’s at a disadvantage when someone starts with the diarrhea jokes. Stay away from the diarrhea jokes. Disengage.

After that there was another missed swing from Wendy’s that the A’s ignored, which forced Wendy’s to come back with an olive branch. The A’s agreed to hug it out:

And that’s the story of the Great Apostrophe Brand War of 2017. You are now dumber, but the headline alone was worth it.

When your business is ground beef produced in mass quantities, there are certain words you should avoid using in your Brand Wars. The A’s taught everyone an important lesson, and Wendy’s should be grateful.