Nearly 18 hours ago, a grinning jackass without pants ran onto the field during a Brewers-Giants game, and his reward was to get a knee jammed into the small of his back and road rash on his jumble-giblets. Because 18 hours is a year in internet time, I figured this was not a story that was going to appear on this site.
Also, the pictures we had in our photo tool were naughty:
So it goes. However, after seeing the pictures retweeted again on Friday morning, something kept gnawing at me.
Why keep the socks on?
Hey, buddy, what’s going on with the socks? Got a second to talk about the socks? Listen, I won’t take up too much of your time, but I gotta know about, whoops, there he goes.
I guess we need to retrace his steps.
Step 1: The decision
I think it is a good idea to take my pants off and show the world my grollies. This will bring me fame and fortune, and the endorphins alone will be worth the thousands of dollars in fines.
As of Step 1, our hero still has his socks on.
Step 2: The disrobing
We have to assume that he didn’t go into a bathroom stall and then run down to the field, which means that he stood up and took his pants and underwear off in front of his entire section, exposing at least one young child to his basketwork.
I would imagine that it was in that rushed, ha-ha-hope-no-one-notices way. Except everyone noticed. Do you know how boring baseball games are? You notice when a hot dog wrapper floats by. You definitely notice when there’s a pasty, flat butt in your face.
But before the pants come off, the shoes had to come off.
And after the shoes come off, there’s probably a natural instinct to peel off the socks at the same time.
No. I need to keep these on.
GAAAAHHHHHHH BUT WHY? Retracing his steps doesn’t help.
None of this helps.
Maybe if we rank the possible ideas and search for Occam’s Razor?
- Dirty feet? Yuck.
- Cold toes
- Feet are just gross in general, and nobody wants to see that.
None of these is perfect. But I’m going with “Dunno.” The logic lobe isn’t pulsing with the strength needed to keep him out of jail, so I’m not sure why I’m expecting it to work when it comes to taking socks off.
Before we go, I wanted to share this site, which was obviously created as a condition of this field stormer’s plea deal. The name of the site:
Running the Field
Don't Do It
It includes both the words “Now that my charges have been dropped” and an awesome picture, so maybe it isn’t the best deterrent. But there are words of caution:
In case you ignore my advice above and decide to run the field anyway, PLEASE DO NOT STREAK. DO NOT EXPOSE YOURSELF. They will add on additional charges, and from what I’ve heard, they are not one bit pretty.
No, nothing about this is pretty. And after writing about this for a few minutes, I’m no closer to my initial goal.
Why would you keep your socks on?
Tell me about the socks.
I need to know about the socks.