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If you have to propose on a jumbotron, at least do it at a Dolphins preseason game

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Way to lean in, buddy.

Matthew Coca

I once wrote that under no circumstances should a human ever propose marriage to another human at a sporting event. I probably didn’t go far enough. I don’t think dogs should propose to other dogs at stadiums either, nor should fish propose to fish, bears to bears, robots to robots, or any other thing that could possibly become sentient enough to tether itself to any other thing ’til death do it part.

Here’s my official stance on marriage proposals, as previously stated:

I am anti-public proposal because asking someone to marry you seems like a very intimate moment (though I don’t know that for sure, because I have not been formally proposed to) and I can’t understand why you’d want to share that with a whole bunch of strangers.

Pretty simple stuff, right? Doesn’t leave a whole lot of wiggle room. The only caveats I granted were that if you must propose at a sporting event — like, if it’s written in your dead grandmother’s will that if you don’t, your entire family will get boils, or you’ll have to Instagram your smoothie for a week — that you have to be sure the person you’re proposing to will say yes. Because if you think there’s even a chance they’ll swat the ring out of your hand and sprint away, you shouldn’t ask to tether yourself to them forever on a jumbotron.

[*Extremely Stephen A. Smith voice*] HOWEVER. Something happened a few days ago that made me reconsider my stance. And you know what that was?

SOMEONE PROPOSED TO SOMEONE ELSE AT A DOLPHIN’S PRESEASON GAME.

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT:

Ahahahahaha. I can’t stop laughing about this. I think it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen (if it turns out to be fake I’ll be devastated). I don’t know who these people are, but it doesn’t really matter. It’s the concept and execution that really gets me.

Because think about the things that had to happen for this thing to happen: Not only did two people have to go to a preseason NFL game, the most meaningless sporting events our country boasts (besides episodes of The Bachelor), they had to go to a Dolphins game. And then not only did they have to go to a Dolphins game, they had to go to a Dolphins game after the team signed Jay Cutler, the man with the saddest face in America. And not only did they have to go to a Dolphins game when Jay Cutler was in the building, they had to stay long enough for the man to get down on one knee and ask the woman, who was still at the Jay Cutler-laden Dolphins preseason game, to marry him.

No part of this thought process makes any sense to me. If you were going to propose to someone at a sports game, wouldn’t you think to do it at a real sports game? And if so, don’t make it a Dolphins game! And if you do do it at a Dolphins game, make sure Jay Cutler isn’t there, because he’ll look super sad when he finds out about it even if he’s happy!

It’s my complete inability to comprehend this proposal that makes me love it so much. Proposing at stadiums is so stupid that if you have to do it, at least do it in the most endearingly dumb way possible.

Also, she said YES! Look how thrilled they are! Pure joy!

You know what? I’d go so far as to assert that I’d 100 percent say yes if someone proposed to me at a Dolphins preseason game. I don’t know how they’d get me there in the first place (eh, I do: Lure me with the promise of enough hot dogs and I’ll go anywhere), but if they did ... I mean, even if the person were a total stranger and presented me with a ring I’d probably find it so funny that I’d say yes.

Anyway, congrats to the happy couple. The world feels pretty bleak these days, and this was a delightful ray of sunshine cutting through the stormy clouds.

Which is why I have a plea to the rest of you in serious relationships: Please, for the love of god, will you propose at NFL preseason games? Ideally it should be a matchup between shitty teams, but at this point, I’ll take anything. We need more of this. I want to laugh and be happy for people who think they’ve found their everlasting love.

#PreseasonProposals2017, get it trending.

Post script: If anyone wants to propose at the Vikings-Browns Thursday Color Rush game this year that’d be good, too.